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Mental breakdown or existential crisis?
I don't know why I'm writing this. I never do this kind of thing. But here it goes...
My husband and I met just after high school. We've been together for eight years and have been married for three. (These symptoms have lasted for most of those three years.)
His good qualities? He's sweet. He's kind. He's patient and well tempered, and he'll make a great dad one day.
The problem? He relocated when we got married and hasn't been able to get a job. I've been the sole income, supporting us for THREE YEARS. And I'm tired of it. My clothes have holes in them. I'm sick of eating ramen noodles for lunch every day. I get my hair done once a year. I'm supposed to look like a professional when I head to work and meet with clients, but I feel like a hobo instead.We also have to downsize our apartment because I can't afford the rent anymore. I did the math, and the extra cost of living to support him each month is at least $600. To his credit, he is going back to school. I just don't know if I can last a whole other year of this.
But it's not just the money. There's no passion or fire anymore. And I'm not just talking about in the bedroom... although that's another sticking point. We can sometimes go without sex for months! Once, I counted and it was 4.5 months between flings. He just doesn't seem to care. I thought guys were supposed to care about sex. I thought they were supposed to think about it like 100 times a day!
The lack of passion seems to permeate through everything. He's going through the motions of school, but I see no fire in him to succeed. No ambition in life. No goals. There's no drive to succeed in the workplace or financially or anything.
We never go out anymore either. He'd rather watch TV than go out on weekends. So we sit at home every Fri & Sat. We live in the suburbs away from the nightlife of the city and the other young people that I've met though work, networking,school, etc. I feel isolated and very much alone.
No kids. (We've been putting them off until we were more financially secure.)
I feel like I can hardly look at him without resenting him now. Do I care about him? Yes. Do I Love him? Not right now. Part of me wonders if I just got serious with him too young. Maybe I was supposed to experiencing other things in life first and now I'm just letting life just pass by.
I guess my question is, is this normal? Is it just me? Should I just be chugging along, working my rear-end off with the hope that it will eventually get better? I think I'm really just looking for piece of mind right now.
(I've tried broaching the subject with him. He just goes sullen, and I end up feeling guilty.)
Re: Mental breakdown or existential crisis?
As far as the money goes, I have no real advice. Money sucks - help him try to get a job, whatever.. not really sure.
Maybe suggest he goes for part-time work? Everyone can get hired at McDonalds or Subway or Pizza Hut. The work sucks. It's not glamorous, it's terrible money, but everyone can do it. Maybe you BOTH get part-time jobs, to help take away the money stress.
But about your general malaise toward your relationship? That's your fault, not his. YOU want more sex? Seduce him! Initiate it! Try for it! YOU want more passion, more of the excitement? Add it it! Talk to him! TRY. This is your responsibility as much as it is his. It takes two people to keep a relationship fresh and alive. YOU want to go out? Make a date night plan! Invite another couple to do things, something. YOU are in charge of your life -- go out and MAKE it what you want it to be. These are not his problems.
I've gone through some similar episodes.
I stopped counting what dear boyfriend owed me for rent and food. I figured he'd return the favor if it came down to it.
From my experience. He's probably depressed. He feels awful that he isnt able to completely support you, and so there goes the sex drive. At least thats what happened with my now DH. He doesnt feel like a man if he can't support you. He can probably tell that you arent happy right now and that kills him.
Talk to him about it away from the bedroom. Tell him that you still love him and that you appreciate that he is trying to further his education right now. Suggest that as a couple you are having some financial troubles and talk together about how to solve them. Maybe thats school and work both part time for him ( although in my experience that is really hard, but maybe not for him) maybe thats cutting back on some expenses.
Make a budget together and figure out the bare minimum you need to survive. Plus some fun money. Work together to figure out how you can do that.
Try not to resent him for not wanting sex. It is really frustrating....trust me I know. But sounds like he's feeling like a failure, so try to boost his self esteem. I tried the initating thing and it didnt work. Encouraging him and talking about our finances and how important it is for us to have a liveable income made a WORLD of difference. Now he has a job, and wants sex more than me again.
Good luck.
PS. I have very little experience with men. My DH is my first actual boyfriend. The others were stupid crushes. Never really went anywhere and I hadnt done much sexual with any of them. So my DH is all I know. He worried that I'd wonder what else was out there. And maybe sometimes I wonder a little, and I think thats ok. Im happy with him and dont plan on looking elsewhere. So if you are happy with your DH that you met in highschool, dont let feelings or pressures from outside tell you that you should have experienced more. If you are happy, you are happy, and nobody else (besides your DH) matters in that decision.
Yes, I think he could somehow get employment in three years. I don't see how he was willing to let your standard of living deteriorate so far without wanting to do something about it.
But this kind of laziness just doesn't appear out of nowhere. You say that you dated for 5 years before getting married, but he didn't relocate until you got married. How did that work? Why didn't he line up work before he relocated? What kind of profession did he have that he hasn't been able to find work in your town?
And could he find work elsewhere? Could you relocate and find a job where he can get a job? There have to be some different solutions to this problem.
I do think that lot of your sexual issues have to do with the unemployment. No one feels good when they don't have a job. You can't possibly generate any heat with someone you feel is a slacker and a leech in your life...who would want to have sex with someone they do not respect?
I also think that if you want your life to be different, you have to make the changes - you can't expect anyone else to do it for you and especially not your husband who obviously suffers from a distinct lack of motivation.
Only you can decide if you want to cut bait. I might talk to a lawyer and figure out if you will have to pay him spousal support. You might be surprised to see how fast he gets employed once his sugar momma is gone.
He sounds depressed.
Depressed people are a real drag for others- no interest, zest or passion for anything. It sucks to be married to such a person. It sucks more to be that person. Insist he gets help before he drags you down any further.
If he won't get help, move on. You don't really have a marriage at this point. And yeah, if you married someone who wasn't finished school, you got married too young.
If I were in your position I would be very frustrated. It sounds like niether of you are happy.
Money- He might not be able to get the job of his dreams at the moment, but I'm sure he could find something that will help. About 4 years ago my husbands company closed and he was out of work for about 3 months. He hated it. He took a job that he was way overqualified for and over the past 4 years he has been promoted. He now runs the entire division. YOu never know what will happen.
Sex.....is important! You two need to get the fire back! I could never be happy in a sexless relationship.
About that guilt- You shouldn't feel guilty about expressing your feelings and concerns. You are part of this relationship to and you deserve to be happy. Does he feel guilty for not contributing anything?!
If I were you- I would lay it all out on the table. Things need to change or you will both be miserable.
Thanks for all the advice. It?s definitely given me some things to think about. And most of all, I appreciate the support. This whole situation can feel very isolating, so it?s nice to know that 1) I?m not the only person who?s gone through things like this and 2) I?m not crazy.
It is normal. It is not just you.
I am is his position, except I can't go to school. No money, and no brain. (sorry didn't get a gift from a wizard when I was born. =D) Annnnyyyway, I assume hes likely a little depressed, which is normal...
The best advice I've heard in the last few days has hit home, "you teach people how to treat you" You need to relearn your husband how to treat you.
I'm not sure how, but first I'd suggest that you both get into some couples counseling. You need to communicate properly.
He needs to NOT shut you out when you talk.
I suggest that you possibly seperate, TEACH him how to support himself again, and then consider your relationship after hes shown that he can treat you appropriately. I have been trying for the last 7 months to find work, but I'm nor very marketable, and find it increasingly hard to find work. With his schooling he shouldn't have a problem covering that 600$ that hes costing.
""When a man fails to act like a man, his wife will act like his mother""
Start asking to see the applications for jobs hes applied for, and give him bills to cover, don't take on any new bills. Make it useless and uncomfortable for him to be home not doing anything all day. Shut off the cable, turn off the internet, shut of the phones, don't pay his cell (he doesn't need one if he isn't doing anything) , don't give him cash, and only have 1/2 tank or less in his car at all times. You make the money, so you call the shots. Don't allow "comfort" in the house, and he won't have any problem leaving to do something.
Good luck !!!