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Division of chores
This is becoming a major issue and I just need some perspective. My husband works long hours, usually around 60-70 per week and makes a good amount of money. I have a 40 hour per week job and I make half what he does. we dont have kids. The fact I make so much less money and work less hours is always held above my head, and lately he's constantly comparing me to his mom. "my mom does this, does this that way, why dont you" etc.
I do all the grocery shopping, utility bills, and am constantly cleaning and organizing the house, I even clean up if I'm the one that made dinner. He does a lot too in terms of outside yard / house things, but he's constantly leaving messes everywhere he goes, from the clothes, to his mail, to his dishes. I clean up after him bc he works so much, but its been starting to feel like he's my child. I tried asking him just to put his dishes away when he's done, and he got irate that he shouldnt have to do anything when he gets hime bc he works so much, that he doesnt think I do anything, and that his mom helps his dad out all the time.
My question is, am I in the wrong? How do you all divide your chores, and deal with it if you make less money? Do you have any suggestions how to handle it when he's comparing me to his mom? I dont mind doing the extra work, I just want him to put his dishes away when he's done and he insists thats my job. I just worry we need to fix this before kids, and I'm not sure how to handle that he holds the money thing over my head.
Re: Division of chores
This is our life. But I can't draw anymore comparisons beyond that. I take care of about 85% of the housework and I don't mind doing it because my FI shows his appreciate for it, daily. Past that, if I have a "lazy" day - sandwiches for dinner, I skipped emptying the dishwasher, etc - no problem. This arrangement works for us, but clearly it isn't working for you.
At minimum, I would demand respect and appreciation for the work you put in. "Mr. Bubbles - your attitude is chauvinistic and frankly, it's downright disrespectful. I expect appreciation for the work I put in to maintain this household and lifestyle." And it's not too much to ask that he clean up after himself - "Mr. Bubbles, the hamper is 3 ft away from you. Is it really too challenging for you to walk that short distance to put your dirty clothes away? Mr. Bubbles - it takes about 3 seconds to rinse off your plate... do you think you can manange that?" I don't know how well this will go over here but I find that knocking a man's ego down a bit helps - "I thought that I married an able-bodied MAN, not a little boy. Can you please act like a responsible adult and clean up after yourself?" And next time he plays the Mommy card (which makes him a 10 on the prick scale) tell him "Then you should have married your mother." Finally, regarding money - it's the family's income. Not just his, not just yours. That's a given when you marry.
I imagine that this issue will intensify if you bring kids into the mix. Get this straightened out NOW. If you need it, seek counseling.
It shouldn't be a money thing.
If your husband works 20 to 30 more hours per week than you do, it is not unreasonable for you to be expected to do the majority of the housework. That being said, however, it is also not unreasonable for him to pick up after himself, put his dishes in the sink and his clothes in the hamper etc.
You are not his mom and he is not a child.
In my household if the dirty laundry doesn't get put in the hamper by the washing machine it doesn't get washed and the same with dishes in the sink. It is not the responsibility of the person doing the chore to run around and gather up the things that need washing. You use it, you put it where it needs to be to get cleaned afterward or you suffer the consequences of not having clean laundry or dishes.
This is becoming a major issue and I just need some perspective. My husband works long hours, usually around 60-70 per week and makes a good amount of money. I have a 40 hour per week job and I make half what he does. we dont have kids. The fact I make so much less money and work less hours is always held above my head, and lately he's constantly comparing me to his mom. "my mom does this, does this that way, why dont you" etc.
He's got to understand it that when you get married, the wife's money and the husband's money is now an "OUR MONEY" situation. Therefore, it's negated "how much" each spouse earns, more or less.
I would get him to a counselor, just for this. And he's also belittling you and making you feel bad -- what kind of a man does this to a wife? Where's the respect for you, regardless of what you do for a living and what your salary is???
It's also pretty babyish for him to pull that "my mom this and my mom that" routine. How old is this guy? about 8? Because he sure sounds like he is that young!
He needs to do the right thing without being asked: clear the table after dinner, set the table, help out with the dishes and this is for starters. This is what full grown considerate adults do.
I don't think that how much money each of you makes should factor into this, but I do think the amount of hours you each work is relevant.
I think the general division of labor could be fair, since he works so many more hours, plus he does do the outside work.
That being said, however, his attitude is not okay. You are already doing more than him. He should just be thanking you. It almost seems passive-aggressive, as though he resents working so many hours.
My DH and I have the same type of work hours you and your DH do. I have way more time to pick up the slack at home and I do it. Because I have the extra time, I am able to get most stuff done while he is still at work and that gives us more time to be together having fun.
My dh totally appreciates that I do this.
I think it's time to tell your husband that you are not, and never will be, his mother. I will sometimes pick up after DH, but I do this as a favor to him and it is not an expectation. If you don't put your foot down now, you will be a door mat in a couple years.
P.S. next time he brings up money, remind him that the ring on your finger says you helped him make that money. It's a team. If he insists on acting like a child he ought to be put in timeout for his disrespectful behavior.
This is your problem, not the division of labor. Why did you marry a man who has such little regard for you as a woman?
While this is the way my H and I operate, and the way my parents did... that's not the case for everyone. For a lot of people it is.. but for many .. there is still his and her money. When it comes to money in a relationship you really just need to find a system that works for you.
I do a lot of the chores around our house... but again, H is VERY appreciative because he hates doing them. So I vacuum and clean bathrooms etc. However, he does help me with dishes on a nightly basis... and he does a lot of the stuff that I can't/don't like to do in the yard and those sorts of things.
What it really comes down to is finding a system that works for you, and having a mutual respect for what you do and what he does. It needs to come down to talking about what you each want and expect from the other one and trying to compromise.
Ooh I like that-
"next time he brings up money, remind him that the ring on your finger says you helped him make that money. It's a team."
I totally agree. Right now, I'm not working (we don't have kids), and I'm taking care of the housework, getting insurance figured out, mending clothes, cooking, cleaning, and finding places for everything in our new home... it's a big job. (Click on my blog for more details... http://alittlewifeshappylife.blogspot.com)
Sometimes I feel like he's not appreciative of what I do around the house, but just reminding him that he wouldn't be able to do all the things he does without me here at home seems to help. If he had to do his own laundry or cook for himself, he wouldn't be able to do the side jobs that he's doing.
It's a team effort.
The next time he compares you to his mom I would say "Then why don't you go f*ck your mom then, because I am not and will never be her. I am your wife and not your mother and will never treat you like a son. SO get over it. We can be two grown adults and discuss ways to compromise but will not be talked down to."
Good luck