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Can't keep holding it in
Hi, I've been reading these boards for a little bit, but have not posted yet. Some background info first: I've been with FI for 2 1/2 years. The wedding is in 3 weeks. We were both previously married and are in our mid 30's. I'm a FT student and work about 25 hrs a week, plus I have my 12 yr old DD full time during the summer, and it's a pretty unforgiving schedule. He works FT.
A few weeks ago we were in bed but not asleep yet, just talking. I mentioned that it had been a long time since we'd been intimate, and that I wasn't blaming him because it's not like I had tried initiating either, but I was wondering if there was any reason for it on his end. He said he wasn't sure but he just really doesn't like himself at all, and often feels like we would all be better off without him. I was just gutted to hear that. I lost a friend to suicide 15 years ago, and while I do not think FI would do that, hearing those words come out of his mouth sent chills down my spine.
We talked a lot about where this was coming from. He is type II diabetic. He lost 120 lbs over about a 2 year period, and spends tons of time at the gym, but he still hates how his body looks because of some loose skin (it's honestly not that bad) and because he doesn't put muscle on easily. He's legally blind from the diabetes, and despite the fact that his blood sugar levels are really good he still has a lot of complications from it. His doctors think it's just due to irreparable vascular and nerve damage. He continuously gets ulcers on his feet that take months to heal, and he also had erectile dysfunction that has not responded to any kind of treatment. We have never been able to have intercourse and that upsets and bothers him a lot. He is also estranged from his bio family and the people who raised him are deceased, and that is hard for him at times.
He has said many times before that I deserve someone better than him. He only sees what he perceives to be his flaws. He thinks he's really unattractive, uninteresting, and unsuccessful. It doesn't matter how many times I tell him otherwise. He doesn't believe me. He thinks I have low standards, which is frankly kind of insulting. I'm not with him for his looks, but I happen to be very attracted to him. He's funny, smart, and takes pride in his work, which to me is a great quality to have. He treats me with respect, and I have a huge amount of respect for him. He supports me and is always there for me. I'm so crazy in love with him and I tell him so all the time. Honestly I feel like it's kind of ridiculous that I even have to defend my choice to be with my FI to my own g-d FI sometimes.
He's obviously depressed, even though he doesn't really show it unless I drag it out of him. He has seen a therapist before and taken antidepressants before, but he doesn't like the antidepressants as they mess with his sexual desires and function even more than the depression and diabetes do. I don't blame him for that, and I don't know that there is a good answer here. I understand how sick to death he is of Dr. appointments and putting so much money into medical bills, but I really think he needs to go back to his therapist. I can't make him though.
I'm scared and frustrated. He is the most wonderful, amazing man, and the only one who can't see it is him.
Re: Can't keep holding it in
Are you in therapy? I wonder why you are attracted to someone that has such low self esteem. Are you a fixer? What is your confidence level like? The deal is that he is the only one in control of himself and there are things he can do for himself to gain confidence.
I have to say that I think you should be realistic here. Do you want to marry someone who feels down about himself all the time? It adds stress to your relationship and leaves the focus of the two of you getting closer out and puts a focus on you spending your time building up his confidence (which doesne't work). That can be an exhausting effort. I'd seriously think about this before you walk down the aisle with this man.
Things were different when we met. He wasn't exactly where he wanted to be, but he was optimistic. He was in therapy and on medication. He was still in the process of losing weight, so he still believed that once he got to his goal weight he would have the body he wanted. He didn't start having ED problems until right before he met me, so we both believed that it was just a matter of time before we found a treatment that worked. He wasn't able to have an orgasm with me at all until he went off the meds, so going back on them has negative consequences as well and I thoroughly understand his hesitation to do so.
I don't know if it's worth mentioning, but when we met we were both in therapy and on medication. I had survived a suicide attempt about six months before meeting him. I'm not in therapy anymore, as things got much better and I no longer needed it. I would have to miss work or school to do it again, and that just isn't realistic right now. I also made the choice to stop medication as the side effects were really hard for me to live with. If I needed to go back on it, I would, but I don't want to.
You sound very sweet and accepting of him.
I don't have much advice, but wanted to say that many SSRI types of antidepressants (Prozac, Lexapro, Celexa) also had sexual side effects similar to your H's for me.
I went on a new one that came out about a year ago and it was designed to try to minimize sexual side effects. It works for me! It's called Viibryd. Only thing is there is no generic yet so it's pricey. For me, though, it's worth it. So if he's considering going back on an anti-depressant ask about that one.
I have a neighbor who is sight impaired. When she got a seeing eye dog, it changed her entire life -- a whole new world opened to her.
She works, she moderates a sight impaired support group, she gives lectures, she travels with the dog to raise funds for her cause, she even bikes in races (along with her H, who rides a tandem bike with her).
Maybe your H can investigate the possibility of a seeing eye dog -- and dogs are great for everybody; they lower blood pressure, they're great for morale and tons of other good things.:)
There's also surgery for the loose skin; I don't think it would be of any cost to him, since it would be health-related.
His also sounds like a great big self confidence and body image issue. He should see a therapist just for that alone.
I also suggest he write a brag book.
He should include EVERYTHING he's done in his life --- from the time he was a little kid up until now -- no accomplishment should be omitted. When he's done, he shuld have pages and pages of accolades; that's bound to boost his confidence.
You and he do know there are other things you can do that do not involve penetration.;)
I urge him to try another therapist --- perhaps he can forgo the antidepressants. Joint counseling for the both of you will help.
Good luck and keep well. Wishing you guys many happy years together.