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Won't Consider Marriage Counseling? Need advice! (Long)
Husband and I have been married barely over a year. We are fighting like crazy and have been for the last 2 1/2 years. I have suggested counseling numerous times. He says he'll go but it won't help because they can't teach us anything that we can't figure out ourselves.
If he isn't open-minded about it, he won't get anything out of it. I don't want to waste money on counseling if that's the case.
Here are our issues (in no particular order) and what I think about them:
He keeps the house so cold (a chilling 68 degrees) I am miserable - all year round! I think this is selfish. Asking to meet at 71 (which is still really cold for me) is like trying to pull teeth.
He won't do anything with me. I know he is tired after a long day's work. But I can't even get him to go on a 10 minute walk with me. I've even suggested biking, running, basketball - anything but sitting on my butt watching tv!
He makes last minute plans with his best bud even though I had already suggested a date night and asked him what he would like to do - two days prior!
He completely ignores me when we are hanging out with his best friend and his wife. Uh, hello!
I am not allowed to sing to songs in the car - or anywhere near him. There is no being goofy or silly.
He doesn't ever tell me about his day. Even when I ask, I get half-assed answers. He tells me he doesn't like to talk to me cuz I'm grumpy ALL the time. In fact, everytime we fight, he tells me that I am always grumpy, bitchy, etc. so he doesn't want to talk to me or be around me. I know that I am not always grumpy. Im generally in a chipper mood and always give him a heads up if I'm not for some reason and explain why.
He won't maintain his appearance at all. He hasn't had a haircut in 9 months, rarely shaves, and has gotten quite chubby. I won't lie, he is not very attractive in this state.
He is terrible about not being willing to compromise. We live about 30 minutes from where we work and we work in different towns. I want to move closer to save money on fuel, but he refuses simply because he doesn't want to move. Also, reference here the thermostat issue mentioned earlier. Also, the counseling thing. These are just a few of the many.
Then of course, there are intimacy issues in addition to all of that.
I am at my wit's end with this. We used to be so happy together and he was sweet, respectful and laid back. Is it awful that I'm pondering divorce because he refuses to see a counselor to help us work through these issues? Need advice!
Re: Won't Consider Marriage Counseling? Need advice! (Long)
Sorry to hear about all the unhappiness! Maybe you should try the counseling anyways, and maybe he will open up once you get there, he did say he'd go. You should try talking to him though, when you are both calm, and ask him if something is bothering him, maybe there is more to this, he could be depressed especially since you say he isn't taking care of his appearance. Not a good sign. Also, the thermostat thing, while he should try to compromise, this may just be one of those things you two always fight about.
Anyways, best of luck, and I do hope you two work on things! GL!
I think you need to ask yourself why you married him and REALLY think about it. You've only been married a year but you've been "fighting like crazy" for 2 1/2 years??
And I think you also realize this- it's takes 2 to make a marriage work. He doesn't seem to be very interested in doing his part. with counseling and just evreything else in general. It's his way or nothing? Um.... that's not how a relationship works.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto all this. And really - if you are miserable and can't be yourself around this man, why bother? That coupled with the fact that he doesn't care how you feel or want to work on things doesn't make him a great life partner.
From what you listed, I'm wondering what ever brought the two of you together in the first place. It doesn't sound like you have anything in common, or even really like each other that much.
Ditto individual counseling. It will help you sort out what you want.
So you were fighting like crazy for a year and a half before you got married? I'm not sure why you would want to stay with him at this point if things have been bad for that long.
I agree that individual counseling might help you figure out what you want/need.
"We are fighting like crazy and have been during the last 21/2 years... and then you segue into "we used to be so happy together"??? When was this 'relationship" ever happy???
Why did you marry this guy is right.
Why did you marry him? How about telling us what made this relationship such a wonder and treasure, what with the continual fighting long before you got married.
I see a lot of immaturity here on his part: he lets you sit home? he ignores you when you're out with other people? How old is he, about 8?
This entire relationship sounds shot to hell. I think you are better off without him, for the sheer fact of the matter that all you and he do is fight.
It takes 2 people to make a marriage work....you are in this alone.
That should answer your question.
I wont even get into wtf did you marry him if it was like this a year before the wedding!
Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
I totally agree with you on this. I don't have anything else to add other than I wish you the best as you figure all this out.
Well he has said he is willing to go, so set up the appointment! Then if he doesn't participate you can contemplate divorce.
I would feel differently if he blatantly refused, he's just left it up to you. Give it a chance, maybe he will learn something from it.
SURE he was sweet and thoughtful!
This is all part of the dating phase!
It takes 2 to make a marriage work. Not just one.
The horse has been out of th barn on this one for years. When the fighting began and it just wasn't about wedding stuff, you should have called it a day then.
That's a long list. I don't mean to be harsh but he doesn't sound too into you anymore. You don't have children with him, will be a clean break. I think marriages are worth fighting for but only if both people want to make it work and still care to be together.
I think divorce should be pondered not because he won't go to counseling but because you're no longer attracted to him, have intimacy issues, he isn't considerate or attentive, those are big reasons in my opinion. You can't be silly or goofy? Which means he's not letting you be yourself, find someone that does. Good luck to you.
1. Buy a sweater.
2. Go to counseling on your own and find out why you are willing to stay in this relationship.
An update:
I started looking into plans in case the counseling doesn't help. He noticed my distanced behavior. I finally admitted that I was having a really hard time dealing with our relationship, that I wasn't happy anymore and that I needed more from him. He agreed to counseling and things were pretty good for a couple of days. But as I suspected it didn't last long. This last weekend he got mad at me and told me to get my sh*t out of HIS house and then he locked me out (he even remembered to take the spare key and mine were inside). I stayed the night at a friend's house. I had him come pick me up the next day and he is being super sweet. I know it's because he feels bad for his actions, but I'm not buying it. (He does this every time.) Things just don't feel right. What kind of husband kicks his wife out and locks her out of her own house?! Anyway, I hope we can make it one more week. That's when our counseling appointment is. But if he ever kicks me out like that again, I'm gone.
Yep Time to make the appointment. He may be depressed- sitting on the sofa, neglecting his appearance.