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Need Advice!
H and I are currently building a home. I work 8-5 monday through friday and he works from 6:30-5 monday through friday but also works on building our house every night (not getting home until 9) and also works on it every weekend. Last night, we got into this huge argument, because he feels I don't put in as many hours of work that he does. Well, no I don't. I am the one making phone calls to various people that are working on the house during the day, I balance both of our checking accounts, pay all of our bills, send out lien waivers and send out invoices for the bank and help clean up (sweep and pick up wood pieces) at the construction site and on top of all that-I am the one doing the housework. I feel that I am putting in as much as I can, but still trying to keep sane through all of this, because building this house is just mentally draining. He does not see it that way at all. He feels that when he is working-so should I. I really don't think it is "fair". We are two totally different people and just because he is able to do all of this work, does not mean I can also...
I want to know if any of you have any advice for me/us. I am really trying to get my point across...because it's not like I don't do a thing-I do a lot! So when he says he thinks I am doing nothing, it really hurts.
Re: Need Advice!
List out everything that needs to be done at both houses - just like you did here.
Show it to him and ask him if you both spend ALL your time at the new house, when does he see the other stuff getting done? Don't be combative about it. Make it a discussion. Tell him that you hear him, you want to work with him, but there is all this other stuff that need to be done too - how does he see it being done, what is HE willing to do, etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
How long have you all been married? Is his personality like this in other ways or is it just the stress of building this house? It sounds to me like he's taking out his stress on you. I would bring that up with him. He is basically spending 75 hours per week (not including weekends) on work and building this house. That is two full time jobs!
Do you all make any time for yourselves and your relationship?
Renovations are a bvtch and building a house has to be twice as bad.
Everyone's tired and stressed and no one is getting enough time for each other or themselves.
What exactly is it he wants you to be doing extra? Can you go to the house site a few nights a week after work and bring him some food, give him some support and suggestions and just spend some time with him? I can see how his resentment is brewing, working his tired butt off alone on a house for the both of you after a long day at work and coming home and finding you watching tv. Its not a full picture of things but its his picture and I think you might need to put in some face time to change it.
Um.... hold up. He's holding how much he makes over your head? Not cool. He might work longer hours, but how much he makes is actually immaterial to all of this.
And "you should feel guilty"???? Really?
Sorry, but those two statements make your DH sound like an a$$.
And seriously- life isn't about everything being perfectly equal. And he needs to own responsibility for wanting to build the house himself. HIS choice doesn't now relegate you to having to do everything exactly equal to him.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yep. I have my WTF face on while I read your follow up.
I have a question: What would you be doing if you were at the house?
I just finished renovating a family cabin three states away. This project involved weekly 5 hour drives, dealing with contractors and 13 gallons of paint. I wanted to do the project, but when it is 10pm and I am tired and dirty, I started to feel put upon. The thoughts that would run through my head were along the lines of: "Why am I the only one who cares about this? Why is no one else helping out?"
Also, four hands are frequently more efficient than 2. Sometimes you just need another person there to lift or hold something or give another opinion.
Chances are, even if your husband was a saint, he would still feel cranky about being the only person there. He has worked a full day and then is looking at more heavy labor until sun down. He may rationally understand that you are carrying your end of the work, but when he is tired and hot and looking at a project that seems so overwhelming, he may just get irritable and stupid.
My advice... hire a contractor.
It'll cost you up-front, but the work will get done faster and you'll save both your marriage and your sanity.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Building a house is as stressful as all hell. Your DH sounds like he is the GC on the job and frankly, that is a full time job.
I'd let a lot of things go. Seriously for now, just let the snippy comments and tired arguments go. I'd suggest making your H take at least an evening a week off to go out with the boys, hit the gym, whatever it is he needs to recharge. No pressure from you, this is "his" time.
This is going to sound dreadfully June Cleaver of me but for the short term, part of your job is to support his emotional and physical needs. Take the brunt of some of his stress. I'm not suggesting letting him walk all over you (and it is a given that abuse is out of the question) but if he blows some steam your way, let it roll off your back. (puts on flame retardant suit) Give him a BJ one morning just to start his day off with a smile. Just for now.
You're in a measureable time when marriage can be hard work. But the house will be done sooner or later and you might look back on this time and marvel what you accomplished together.