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I've been exiled.

So, I've been with my H for about 2 years (married 3 months) and I've just been sent to sleep in the spare bedroom for the first time ever. We've had major arguments and huge things to deal with in our relationship before, and we've always dealt with them and 9 times out of 10 we never go to bed angry.

I don't even know how to fix this because there is nothing to fix. When we first got together I had issues with being straight forward and telling the full truth about things right off the bat and that was a big deal to him due to past relationship. Now I came to him today about something that isn't even a big deal. (and btw there's never been any infidelity or anything. ever.) and he's flipping out because it took a little bit of coaxing to get me to be 100% straight forward and not sugar coat anything. He told me I obviously want to play games and he's gonna break me of the "game playing" but I'm not playing any games. I apologized for not coming right out and just being blunt and that I didn't want to play games and wasn't trying to. He says I've had plenty of opportunities and obviously can't learn the easy way, so now I have to learn the hard way.

 So now, I'm in the spare bedroom. I've never been exiled to the spare bedroom and we've been through some serious stuff before. I don't have any idea what to do and don't have anyone to really talk to. So I'm venting.

Re: I've been exiled.

  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    imageS&KSmith:

    So, I've been with my H for about 2 years (married 3 months) and I've just been sent to sleep in the spare bedroom for the first time ever. We've had major arguments and huge things to deal with in our relationship before, and we've always dealt with them and 9 times out of 10 we never go to bed angry.

    I don't even know how to fix this because there is nothing to fix. When we first got together I had issues with being straight forward and telling the full truth about things right off the bat and that was a big deal to him due to past relationship. Now I came to him today about something that isn't even a big deal. (and btw there's never been any infidelity or anything. ever.) and he's flipping out because it took a little bit of coaxing to get me to be 100% straight forward and not sugar coat anything. He told me I obviously want to play games and he's gonna break me of the "game playing" but I'm not playing any games. I apologized for not coming right out and just being blunt and that I didn't want to play games and wasn't trying to. He says I've had plenty of opportunities and obviously can't learn the easy way, so now I have to learn the hard way.

     So now, I'm in the spare bedroom. I've never been exiled to the spare bedroom and we've been through some serious stuff before. I don't have any idea what to do and don't have anyone to really talk to. So I'm venting.

    The bolded parts trip me out. He's acting like your dad, not your H and partner. Counseling for both of you to work on communication asap.

  • imagesrgw:
    imageS&KSmith:

    So, I've been with my H for about 2 years (married 3 months) and I've just been sent to sleep in the spare bedroom for the first time ever. We've had major arguments and huge things to deal with in our relationship before, and we've always dealt with them and 9 times out of 10 we never go to bed angry.

    I don't even know how to fix this because there is nothing to fix. When we first got together I had issues with being straight forward and telling the full truth about things right off the bat and that was a big deal to him due to past relationship. Now I came to him today about something that isn't even a big deal. (and btw there's never been any infidelity or anything. ever.) and he's flipping out because it took a little bit of coaxing to get me to be 100% straight forward and not sugar coat anything. He told me I obviously want to play games and he's gonna break me of the "game playing" but I'm not playing any games. I apologized for not coming right out and just being blunt and that I didn't want to play games and wasn't trying to. He says I've had plenty of opportunities and obviously can't learn the easy way, so now I have to learn the hard way.

     So now, I'm in the spare bedroom. I've never been exiled to the spare bedroom and we've been through some serious stuff before. I don't have any idea what to do and don't have anyone to really talk to. So I'm venting.

    The bolded parts trip me out. He's acting like your dad, not your H and partner. Counseling for both of you to work on communication asap.

    I second srgw. The language you are using and the way you say he is "talking/treating" you is quite concerning. Srgw is right, he is not your father, nor does he own you. You definitely should look into counseling, both for yourself and as a couple.

  • that.

    Go reclaim what is yours. 

    YOU take the main bedroom. HE can go sleep wherever the he wants to. 

    Tonight will set a precedent for all future arguments in your marriage. Take charge.

    I'll need more specifics about what you did to piss him off so badly in the first place, though.

    image

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • Also, how old are you? And how old is he? Your profile said that people have told you that you are too young to get married.
  • Oh hell no. I would never in a million years put up with being talked to like a child. In a calm manner tell him that the way he talked to you made you feel childish and you would appreciate being treated like an equal in this marriage. 

     

    Does he have control issues? 

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  • So is he your dad?  Because the only man that "taught me a lesson" was my father.  I'm guessing you two are very young.
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  • umm WOW. I don't care what the fight was about but that is a very unhealthy way of handeling an argument. This is not ok. From the way you described it its sounds like its leading towards and abusive type relationship (if not already there) Get a counselor please
    image
    DD born 1.25.15

  • Yes, to everything everyone else already said. Why would you think it is ok for him to talk to you like that? Better yet, why does he think he has the right to talk down to you like that? You are married, you're supposed to be equals here. Maybe we could offer more insight if we knew more details, but from what you gave us, this doesn't sound healthy.
  • I'm surprised no one has called abuse yet, because it seems to me like this is edging into that territory. Counseling, for both of you. It does sound like he has a side to this story if you can't be open and honest with him (doesn't matter what it's about; you do need to tell your spouse the truth from the beginning regardless). I think you're probably both poor communicators, perhaps because you're young, as another poster pointed out.
  • SKP82SKP82 member
    Second Anniversary

    imageartbyallie:
    I'm surprised no one has called abuse yet, because it seems to me like this is edging into that territory. Counseling, for both of you. It does sound like he has a side to this story if you can't be open and honest with him (doesn't matter what it's about; you do need to tell your spouse the truth from the beginning regardless). I think you're probably both poor communicators, perhaps because you're young, as another poster pointed out.

    I agree that the words are pretty abusive!  For him to say he's going to "break you" and "teach you a lesson" is absolutely ridiculous!  If he wants to sleep alone, HE should move himself to the guest room.  I agree that you should work on your communication issues in counseling as well.

    Off topic - Aggie - is that a Springer in your siggy pic?  We have a Springer.  :)  She is an amazing dog

     

    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • Can you provide some more details about this thing you had to tell him?  I can understand frustration with a spouse not being straighforward and honest.  BUT, that does excuse him treating you like a child.  Teaching you a lesson by kicking you out of your own bedroom.... HUH?  Aside from him being a total prick, does he really think that's going to do any good?  You guys are married.  WTF?  I don't get why people get married when you can't do the simplest thing, a STAPLE in a healthy relationship - COMMUNICATE.  Clearly you have some problems with communicating in that you can't just come out and say it.  And he can't communicate with you how it makes him feel so instead he "exiles" you.  This is a total disaster.  If you want to save your marriage, get yourselves into counseling immediately and fix this nonsense.
  • Thanks for your responses everyone.

    We've worked through everything. The issue wasn't even what I told him. What I told him about was stupid and we both know it. What he gets upset about is that I always feel like things are a bigger deal than what they actually are and that gives me anxiety and he can feel that anxiety from me. So when I blow things out of proportion he thinks there's more to the story because he can tell I'm anxious and from what I tell him, there is no reason to be.

    That being said, I probably even blew the argument out of proportion when posting on here, which was mostly just to vent.

    He apologized for how he spoke to me and told me he'd just had a very rough day (and we had extra stress from training a new puppy who howls all night) and he was sorry that he spoke to me out of anger and frustration in a way that he shouldn't have. We both realize where we were each at fault and apologized to each other and had a great day yesterday.

  • Also, I want to make it very clear there is no abuse in this relationship. I've had a lot of women abused in my family and I would never put up with it. Even when he spoke to me the way he did the other night, I let him have it for that and we both ended up just saying things out of anger and frustration to eachother.

    He's never laid a finger on me, and he isn't controlling or mentally abusive either. Those comments he made were out of line and he knows it and apologized yesterday (a million times).

  • imageS&KSmith:

    Also, I want to make it very clear there is no abuse in this relationship. I've had a lot of women abused in my family and I would never put up with it. Even when he spoke to me the way he did the other night, I let him have it for that and we both ended up just saying things out of anger and frustration to eachother.

    He's never laid a finger on me, and he isn't controlling or mentally abusive either. Those comments he made were out of line and he knows it and apologized yesterday (a million times).

    Abuse is not always physical. More often than not it is emotional and verbal. It happens in the form of controlling, belittling and demeaning/lessening one's partner. Also, abusers are the most notorious individuals for profusely apologizing, buying flowers, being incredibly nice and swearing it will never happen again.

    Obviously, we cannot be 100% certain if it is or is not abuse based on your post. However, I can say that from all the healthy, positive and non-abusive relationships I know of (and I am currently in a healthy one as well), I know that none of the men would "exile" their significant other or say any of the things that you mentioned in your post. I would just suggest that you be attentive to the way he treats you/talks to you and be on alert for signs of being controlling or demeaning.

     Also, I do not believe you ever answered how old you are. I only ask because being younger can and does put blinders on our emotions and reactions. We are all guilty of it and as we get older, we realize more and more what is acceptable and what is not.

    For the sake of your well-being, I hope this is not an abusive relationship. If it is, please seek counseling or at least support from your family and friends.

  • Whatever you say OP.  Whether or not it's abuse could be up for debate, I'm not going down that road.  But it's still quite apparent that it's abnormal and unhealthy.  I agree with PP about getting married too young and having "blinders" on - it's very true.  You may think this is normal, just a fight that will blow over, but take it from the many women in healthy relationships/marriages who responded to you - it is not normal, it is not ok.  I think this warrants more than just an apology on his part.  It's clear both your and your husband have some kinks you have to work out.  Don't turn a blind eye to this.  You are married and have committed your lives to each other - do the right thing and cultivate the aspects of your relationship that are lacking.  Good luck.
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