Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Jitters?
I have begun handing out/mailing out my invitations. People have asked me if I'm excited....actually, no. Just yesterday it really hit me that I'M GETTTING MARRIED. My stomach is in knots (ha!), and not the kind of nervous feeling. But more scared/women's intuition. Is it jitters or re-thinking it? I don't know what to do or what to say....I told myself that 'there's always an annulment or divorce.' I don't know why I'm thinking these things but I am! I'm scared that I won't measure up, that something will happen between now and the wedding (9-22), or that he will be the one to break it off. Help, please!
Re: Jitters?
It is normal to get pre wedding day jitters like super turbo driven butterflies. I personally felt so nervous/excited before walking down the aisle that my palms were sweaty and I wanted to puke. But, it was all nerves. I knew in my MIND and HEART that he was the right man for me. Not perfect, but perfect for me. I had no doubts.
The bolded is concerning. You are entering this marriage with low expectations, which if you really think this, is a dead give away that this isn't a good road to be on. Stop now!
If you truly think this, you are already looking for a way out - an exit strategy. Save yourself time, money, and heartache and re-evaluate.
I know...it's just when I was handing them out and people were constantly asking me "aren't you excited??' that I realized that I wasn't. It's like I'm more in love with the feeling of being in love, and the feeling of getting married. I don't know how I would tell him any of this, either.
If you think this, even a little bit, than YOU ARE making the biggest mistake of your life. Happy people in happy, healthy relationships do NOT think this.
You say:
1. I have passed out the invites. But I am not excited about our wedding or about marriage.
2. I do not want to proceed and I would to break up.
3. Please respect my decision.
Then, you move on and break contact with him.
This sucks. I mean, his mom even asked me 'are you sure you want to marry him?', but his mom hasn't asked him (as far as I know) if he's sure he wants to marry me. I've had some private talks with his mom, and she and I 'vent' our frustrations with him. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have opened my mouth about anything, but her saying what I'm feeling and thinking is like a reality check. He can mean well sometimes, but there are times when I question myself, and heck, even question if I should wash his clothes!
It's like I constantly have to be on 'my best behavior' with him, not try to make him angry or upset, that kind of thing.
Eeyow! So you cannot be you or he gets angry or upset??? You cannot relax??? Are you really prepared to live that way for the rest of your life, afraid to let down your guard? I honestly think you need to analyze your relationship very carefully and figure out if you are marrying him to make yourself happy or to make him and others happy. As it reads right now, this sounds like a very unequal relationship. It's possible he might be a controller, although I hate to judge anyone on such slight information. At the very least he sounds immature and unable to be part of a partnership.
One last question: Do you breathe a sigh of relief when he leaves or if he's going to be away for a few days?
Please dear, run, run, run, away from this person. Been there.
Go to www.theregoesthebride.com
You will see that you are not the only woman who called off her wedding.
Are you a recent college grad? Does getting married feel like the Next Step that everyone tells you that you are supposed to be doing?
They are wrong.
Better to walk away single and lose those deposits than wake up five years from now, with a child (tethering you to him FOREVER) and hating your life, him and yourself for not listening to your inner voice.
YOU are responsible for your happiness as well and there are plenty of men who treat woman well. That is not a factor for deciding to marry or not
my opinion on this is that if you are not 100% sure you want to marry him, DONT!
You should be wanting to run up that aisle to get married. Any hesitation at all and you should put the brakes on.
It wouldnt be fair to either of you to go thru with something you are not sure about.
I told myself that 'there's always an annulment or divorce'
This statement really, really bothers me! It's crazy how people think of marriage these days...like it's no big deal! I realize that I am divorced but trust me, it was not an easy decision and something I really didn't believe in but I had a cheating husband who changed into a different person overnight and I had to get out for myself. NO ONE should EVER go into a marriage with this idea in their mind. You are just setting yourself up for divorce right away...no commitment...such a shame.
Oh honey, no. That is someone who is borderline emotionally abusive at the least. The person you want to marry is the one who makes you feel like you're awesome all the time, not that you have to earn his approval.
Going through with the wedding sounds like its prolonging the inevitable. It is so, so much harder and more painful to get a divorce and separate your lives than to just call off the wedding. Not that this is easy, but divorce will NOT be easier.
My husband could be FURIOUS with me and would still never treat me poorly. It's one thing to try not to do something that you know will make him mad (for example I try to remember to soak my pots and pans because its harder for him to wash them if I don't) but it is entirely another thing to feel like you have to be on your best behavior around your own husband. This should be the person that loves you at your absolute worst - otherwise he doesn't deserve you at your best. As PPs suggested, it seems like this could quickly devolve into an abusive relationship, either emotional or physical.
It doesn't sound like this is just nerves. When I was nervous, thinking about life after the wedding would always calm me down - it seems like it will make you more scared! Please please don't marry him on the off chance that he might be in a good mood & treat you nicely. If his own mother thinks hes bad news, you know what you need to do - RUN!