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neurotic FI driving me insane!
CN My FI is very neurotic about getting old (wrinkles, going bald, getting false teeth) and his health in general, takes everything to the extreme, and if he has an issue, he has to talk about it 24/7. I try and be nice, make him feel better, come up with a plan/solution/google things with him. I try and tell him he is a fine, fit perfectly healthy and attractive person, and I don't care about him getting old, it is a privilege! When he is on to his second or third hour of whinging about something, how can I tell him to get over it, with out being accused of not caring?
Hi, I need some advice on my neurotic FI. He is driving me crazy. This is very very very long, and below is just a snippet of the last year.
I am a beauty therapist, and he mentioned something about wrinkles, so I brought home some nice man face cream. This lead to him wanting glycolic cream, vitamin c, a dermal roller, and he has had botox (he is 26). All he talked about was wrinkles, googled other men getting botox, became obsessed. Now he is accusing me of not finding him attractive, because I hate wrinkles! I don't really care if he gets them or not, it's just my job to help people with them. That was week 1.
Week 2, he had to get some dental work. 2 new, very small fillings, 2 replacement fillings. He then moped around for the week, because he thinks he needs full false teeth (he doesn't) and he was actually getting really angry about it. I spent 2 hours trying to make him feel better, and trying to assure him that he doesn't need false teeth. Imagine a talking to a kid, who keeps saying "But why? But why? But why?". Talking to him when he is acting like that is like talking to a kid.
But I always run out of energy, after working 12 hour days trying to make other people feel awesome, I don't have the energy for it, and after a time a end up snapping a little and telling him to get over it! You don't need false teeth! You are fine! It's not that I don't care, I do a pretty good job of trying to talk to him about it at the start, but he just doesn't drop it. It can go on for days and days.
Week 3, random stomach pain, I believe it was indigestion, he had a scan at the Dr.s, he is fine, that wasn't so bad, and I think it was a genuine concern to get checked out, but it was very hard to be sympathetic. He then spent a long time googling what it could be, and just making an overall big deal about everything, about having to ring insurance, and having to get the GP to sign the insurance form blah blah blah, I just wanting to tell him to shut up! (I didn't, just smiled and yes dear'd him, and tried to let him know it really wasn't a big deal, I'm sure the Dr's see these forms all day)
Week 4, he was noticing some thinning on top of his head. I had a quick look, and it looked like little shaved patches, and looked to be growing back, so I didn't think he was going bald, but if he wanted we could pop down to the hair salon and get someone to look. He didn't want to go, but made me look at it repeatedly throughout the night. I was accused of lying to him, and why didn't I just admit that he was going bald. When I snapped, and again told him to stop acting like a baby, you are not going bald! After a time I said I can buy you some anti-balding stuff just in case, just to shut him up. He then saw 3 different hair stylists, who all confirmed he was NOT going bald. He then accused everyone of lying to him, and why couldn't we just admit it?
It turns out he was burning his hair off, he is a welder, and started wearing a hat, and now it's fine. But he shaved his head number 1, and wont go out for fun, he leaves the house if he can wear a hat, to work, food shopping etc, until it has grown back.
And now, it is 9:30pm, and he just got back from an after-hours dentist appointment because of a sore tooth. Since the last dentist appointment 6 weeks ago, he spend 30 mins on his teeth every night. Different products, floss, mouthwash. I bought him a good electric tooth brush, some $30 special tooth mousse that helps my sensitive teeth. He has cut out all soda, even diet, all juice, all fruit, all sweets, any thing with sugar, or anything he thinks is "acidic". He won't drink beer, eat chocolate, or enjoy going out for dinner. I get a little frustrated because it is starting to effect our lives. I think he gets jealous or me because I have no fillings too.
Anyway, tonight, $200 later, it was just sensitive, he has bought another armload of products to help. The dentist nicked himself, and had a dot of blood on his palm. He has advised my partner to get a blood test, that is policy when that happens. The dentist assured my partner that he wasn't allowed to work as a dentist if he had hep/HIV etc. My partner is in a BAD mood about it. I know in his mind he wants to book an appointment at the GP for first thing in the morning, but he already threw a sicki today, and I really don't think if it's a big deal to wait till after work, it's not like he actually got blood on him or in his mouth or anything. Both my parents have hep C my whole life, so maybe I don't think it's urgent. He has stormed off, "to google it himself" and accused me, again of not caring.
I know by writing this, and reading it, he obviously has some weird issues going on, self esteem and looks, but it's weird because other than wrinkles and teeth and hair (ageing things) he doesn't really care what he looks like, will dress in ripped trackies to do groceries, old stained shoes, wears dirty overalls to work. It is my job to make people look good, and I have all the "normal" girl self esteem issues, eg. which my tummy was flatter, boobs perkier etc. but it doesn't control my life. But if I ever mention anything, I will then get accused of not liking him because he doesn't have a six pack.
Does anyone have any advice to try and get him to feel a little happier? He doesn't believe in depression, counselling, would never talk about his feelings. I do have a low sex drive (sorry if TMI) and I am not a touchy, feely person, and I know that gets to him sometimes, but I have been like that for the 10 years we have been together, and this seems to be a new problem for him. I feel bad but I do get really frustrated, he finds the bad in EVERYTHING! Yet will be happy and normal 85% of the time.
Re: neurotic FI driving me insane!
I got tired of him just reading your post. I give you credit for putting up with it all!
I think he needs professional help as in a therapist. Something is wrong especially if this is a newer development or a quirk that has suddenly become exacerbated. You may want to see someone too just so you can deal with him better.
It's fine if he wanted to get checked out for hep & HIV and would help him put his mind at ease. His stomach issues could be due to his stress and craziness over his health/looks.
This!
His neuroses are exhausting just to read. I can't imagine living with it. You both need some professional help to figure out 1.) why his concerns about health and aging are so dramatically elevated and 2.) what he could do to calm those fears and deal with those insecurities more productively.