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Advice needed please... meddlesome, manipulative grandma-in-law
So I know the dilemma of having a manipulative MIL is pretty common, but how about a manipulative... grandmother-in-law?
My husband's grandmother, from what I have heard (and experienced) has always been quite meddlesome and a very cunning manipulator, and seems to crave being the center of attention. She is young and computer-savvy enough to have a Facebook page and "friended" me on it when my husband and I got married. She also friended my husband's mother (her former daughter in law) and baited her into created enormous amounts of drama around our wedding. My husband slowly stopped speaking to his grandmother after that, ignoring her calls, emails and fb messages. When she complains to my husband's father about this, or when we have to be around her during the holidays, he offers up a lame excuse about "being busy." When she messages ME on Facebook passive-aggressively commenting about it, or remarking about how surprised she is that my husband's dad hasn't received a call from us in X weeks, or any number of meddling things she says... I really don't know what to say. I've already all but stopped posting anything on my facbeook because of the comments she would leave on photos of our child, or on my status updates, sharing her "advice" on child rearing (and I got a message along the lines of "just happened to notice you don't update much anymore." !!)
My husband tells me to just ignore her. The rest of his family tends to cater to her, and we do have to see her during the holidays, and she does seem to genuinely love our daughter... so ignoring her just seems like it will exacerbate the problem. I would happily set some firm boundaries but I'm not even sure how to define them... does that make sense? I don't know what I specifically need to say to her. Any advice would be great.
Re: Advice needed please... meddlesome, manipulative grandma-in-law
Block her completely. change your phone numbers, your email addresses and everything else where she will be privvy to contacting you.
If you get any mail from her, mark it "RETURN TO SENDER" and drop it back into the mail, unopened.
And you and he need to tell her "We do not wish to be in contact with you anymore. Cease and desist."
you and he are the ones being passive aggressive: it's one way or the other: you are either in contact with her or you are not. The choice is yours and his, jointly.
Sounds like my grandmom minus the fb account. Guilt tripping everyone and passive aggressive. I'm over it. Grandmoms are allowed to have their feelings hurt so stand your ground. Maybe a passive aggressive "I wish I was retired so I could stalk family on fb all day but I'm not so don't expect me to reply all the time." my grandmom was sending me all these religious chain emails (she spends a lot of time lecturing about going to church). I told her to stop or I'm getting a new email and not giving it to her.
Block her or just out and out "unfriend" her on FB.
And ditto the PP - she complains about DH not calling? "Talk to him about it" and walk away.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You can set your FB settings so that GMIL doesn't see your posts, and you can't read hers. It's a bit less confrontational than blocking / unfriending. Especially since I'm sure she will figure out that she was dropped if you unfriend/block her.
If she does see a post / photo of yours and leaves a nasty comment - delete! And tell her you will block her if she keeps making rude comments (but also, I wonder if you are thin-skinned. For example, if you post a photo with your baby with chocolate all over her face, and GMIL posts "babies shouldn't eat chocolate!" - you really don't need to get up in arms).
As for her relationship with your H, just tell her "that's between you and H. You'll need to speak to him." Ditto anything about whether or not FIL has phone you. Ignore her comments, or write "that's between H and his Dad. I am too busy to insert myself into everyone's relationship."
I experienced something similar with my own MIL- eventually I decided to take a stand, and since I didn't want to get rid of my Facebook, I limited what she was able to see/comment on. She no longer can see any of my wall posts or pictures, which has definitely helped (she still comments sometimes about seeing something on my FB via a friend's page, but whatever).
I would recommend doing the same, or eliminating her from your FB entirely. If she asks why, it sounds like you have plenty of reason. Just be honest and tactful.
Just filter her out. Post some pictures of your DD or other neutral updates that she can see. Anything you feel like she would offer her unsolicited input on, put on filter.