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I know I am pathetic (Long)
Hi. I'm not new here, but I made a new user name to save myself from some embarrassment. I guess I should also give you a little bit of insight on myself. I am very hard on myself. I am a perfectionist that feels like everyone is always watching and judging each other. Also, I am very sensitive and I will take your word to heart, so please try to be kind. If this is not eloquently written, I apologize because my head is a hodgepodge of thoughts right now. A key element of my life is that I got married a little over a year ago.
Well, my problem is that my husband and I always seem to fight and he NEVER seems to be in the wrong. He will never apologize, unless I show to him that I am completely upset and falling a part. I am normally the one trying to work things out. If he feels that he isn't "winning" the argument/disagreement, he will just up and leave. What I mean is that he will drive away, go for a walk, etc. That is fine if he wants to cool off, but this is where it is just ridiculous. I have realized that he will just go somewhere and stay in his car or what-not until I call him and ask him to come home. If I don't do this, he will just stay out and come home pissed at me even more for not begging him to come back.
Also, my husband has this new thing were he will make accusations about my work ethic. I am a full-time med. student and I decided to start substitute teaching again to earn a little extra cash to make it easier on him with bills. I complained a couple times about having to go back to this, but I know I don't have very many options. He came home today telling me that I am selfish for not wanting to go back to doing this. However, I already have jobs lined up this week and I am going. We all have to do things that we don't want to and sometimes even complain. If I do it, though, I am apparently being selfish just by having a simple wish that a different part-time, laid-back job will come around.
Also, he will come home and complain that I hadn't done anything around the house. He does this without even fully getting through the doorway. I will have to go around and point out the things that I have done so that he will stop B*tching. By this time, I am POed and getting snippy. The fact that I am mad at him for being pissy makes him mad at me. I feel like I just can't do anything right.
There are times where I feel like I can't tell him my worries or my opinion in matters, such as where we will live when I am done with school. He will get upset if my opinion is different from his and it all seems to blowup in my face. Sometimes I believe he plays with my emotions.
Now, I know I am no angel and am not perfect in this relationship. I know that I have done things to tick him off, but I always apologize for it and try to work it out with him. With him, sometimes I wonder if he really cares if our relationship crumbles. He has already told me that he will never go to marriage counselling, but he will read a self-help book (I find this odd). He is really beginning to wear me thin, but I am afraid to leave. Yes, this is how I know I am pathetic. I am afraid of leaving him and having no place to turn to and how I would support myself until I am done with school in 2014. The thought of just waiting it out makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to feel like I am just using him or anything, but I don't know if I really want to leave him. (As you can tell, I am very conflicted.)
He isn't a bad person, but I feel like he doesn't know how to work through our relationship. He cares about me and tells me we will never leave me or do me wrong. Also, he makes me laugh and we always manage to have a good time.
Now, knowing only this much, what do you think? Sorry this is so long.
Re: I know I am pathetic (Long)
Has he always been this confrontational and downright puerile?
Was he like this before you got married? If he was, you can see he did not change.
(and you should have rethought marrying a guy who is downright childish about the way he handles a conflict, if he was like this before you got married)
You and he need to see a marriage counselor, stat. He can't go around freezing you out and he can't treat you like he's a little kid throwing a tantrum. Grown adults do not handle issues the way he is handling them.
If he values you and he cares about his marriage to you -- and if he cares about making sure you and he are happy -- he will go to counseling. I'd make this a must if I were you.
Don't stand for this one moment longer; as you can see, it's already putting a rift in your relationship with him.
This weekend, I'd sit down with him -- make sure there are no interruptions and that you and he have no plans for the rest of the day -- and tell him point blank he needs to start learning how to handle his anger and arguments like a full grown man. Don't sugar coat it; let him know in no short terms his behavior is unacceptable and that if he doesn't want to go to counseling, there's no hope for the marriage and that you don't see the point in staying with him at all.
I'm serious about this -- and you should be too.,
He hasn't always been like this. I thought maybe he was under a lot of stress, but once all of the stress factors diminished he was still doing this.
I have told him that I want to go to counselling, but he can't stand the thought of bringing someone we don't know into our issues. I, of course, feel that we seriously need it.
I really wish I had more of a backbone. It is easy to type it out than to carry through, you know? I have tried to put my foot down and be more assertive, but to no avail. I love him unconditionally, but he isn't making this easy.
Do you think a self-help book would even be beneficial? I thought maybe taking baby steps up to counselling would work.
I pinkpuffyheart the fact that you used my favorite SAT word "puerile".
I don't really feel able to comment on whether a self-help book will help or not, but if you want to give it a go, you might try The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. I really liked it, and even H, who was highly skeptical about the whole thing, now regularly makes references to it. It's got a lot of good discussion of the ways you communicate with your spouse, which it seems like might be helpful for you guys.
He isn't a bad person,
Well, I have news for you he isnt a good person either!
but I feel like he doesn't know how to work through our relationship.
Nor does he care to figure out how to do so. He doesnt want to bring another person into the marriage because he knows what he will hear,
He cares about me and tells me we will never leave me or do me wrong.
Well, obvisouly that is a lie from what youve told us. He is doing you wrong.
Also, he makes me laugh and we always manage to have a good time.
Is that before during or after he makes you fell like shiot?
Go to counseling yourself. Maybe a therapist can teach you to stand up for yourself and learn how not to tke his crap and ty he is.hen tell people what a good gu
So your H is a terrible communicator, fights/argues with you in a very immature way, complains you are bad at keeping the house clean and lets you know he thinks you have horrible work ethic. And he refuses to go to counseling. Sounds like a keeper.
Go to counseling on your own asap. Have a sit down chat with him about how bad things really are. GL.
Okay, just playing devil's advocate here:
The fighting thing is childish, but I feel that this can be worked on if you learn how to fight fairly and communicate with each other better. We used to do this, he used to leave when we fought (granted, we were younger and have gotten much wiser with age!), I'd panic and blow up his phone with messages (I have abandonment issues and always thought that a fight meant that it was over, he wasn't ever coming back, etc. It was stupid). I found that once I gave him his space, stopped panicking and learned to appreciate my own space in these situations that things got better. He comes home and is pissed that you didn't beg him to come back? So what? Tell him that he left because he obviously needed some space and you gave that to him, and left it up to him to come back when he was ready.
The working while in school - yes, med school is demanding, but it is possible to work through school. If I was carrying the full financial weight of the household for my SO to go to school full time I wouldn't want to hear them complain about having to do some part time work to help out either, sorry. Yes, this may have been an arrangement that you two agreed on, but it doesn't sound like he's thrilled with it and I think that could be fair.
The house - are you getting home much earlier than he does? Is your house such a mess that it's really that noticeable as soon as he walks in the door? Do you both have household tasks that you are each responsible for, and if not, would this maybe help that? It's nice to come home to a tidy house - both of you could work on either keeping it tidy regularly so when you come home neither of you is facing a disaster to clean - that might help take off some tension. You didn't say too much about the state of the actual home - but again, him working full time while you're in school - he already seems to resent that, so if he's coming home from work and you've been home for a couple of hours already and the house is still a disaster when he walks in, yeah... I can see where he might be getting upset.
As for sharing things with him, you guys seriously need to work on your communication together. He's said that he won't do marriage counseling, so don't push him into that right now. He's offered to try a self help book - why don't you find some kind of book on communication that you two can do together?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
You couldn't have said it better!!!!!!!! I so agree with everything you said! Go to counseling yourself since he won't go.
Stop calling him when he pouts and runs off like the jerk he is to you. Go to counseling and get out before you graduate and have to pay him spousal support.
Let's say you're 26.
Ask yourself this:
Do I want to live this way for the next 60 years of my life?
Do you?