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Need more advise
I've posted before about my sister and I and some of the problems I've had with her in the past. We are still not on speaking terms because she doesn't want to speak to me. The responses I got were helpful but right now I'm torn and confused. Some people suggested I keep on trying with her while others advised to stop communicating with her. Just to make a long story short she and the rest of my family didn't tell me she had had a baby and I eventually found out through a posting I saw on facebook. I was extremely shocked and hurt. I haven't spoken to anyone since I found out in June. However, I went ahead and sent my sister a gift for the baby and a letter telling her how much I love and care for her. She didn't respond. I apologized for what I had said to her and asked her to forgive me. I also told her how much my son misses her and is constantly asking about her. Since there was no response I feel I am ready to move on with my life....well almost.
My nieces (her daughter) 5th birthday is just around the corner and I'd like to send her a gift. I did this last year and my sister did the same for my son even though we weren't speaking. Well, part of me wants to go ahead and send her the gift I bought her but the other part does not. The main reason I'd rather not is because I was not informed about the other baby that I'm technically not even suppossed to know exists...it just so happens I found out but it was not by seeing a picture or reading anything that specifically said my sister had a baby. I just read something about baby's being beautiful and somehow I knew it had to be refferring to my sister. I feel that it was no coincidence I found out this way. If my family wasn't going to tell me then maybe God wanted me to know....this is the only explanation I have for finding out the way I did.
So, since I'm not suppossed to know my younger niece exists and my sister refuses to speak to me, and I know now what I didn't know then, I don't feel like I can give to either child. My sister didn't tell me about the baby because she didn't want me to know. This sends a strong message to me that she doesn't want me to have any relationship with her newborn. Yet, it's ok for me to send gifts to her eldest child and she feels the need to send gifts to my son (probably out of guilt)? I have a serious problem with this. I can't give to one but not the other and that's certainly how it would have turned out if I hadn't found out about the baby. I know that the simple solution would be to just send gifts to both the kids on their birthdays to make it fair. But since she didn't directly notify me about recently giving birth I find it hard to send something to a baby that I found out about only by chance. Therefore, I find it impossible to send anything to my eldest niece because I keep going back to "I'm not suppossed to know about her little sister" and "oh my god how would the baby feel growing up knowing she received nothing from me." I think I'm still in shock. Like I stated before I would have been giving to one niece but not the other and I find that completely unacceptable. I feel trapped and confused. Therefore, I have almost come to the conclusion that it'd be better to cut ties with my sister and have no further contact with her or the the kids unless she directly tells me she wants me to have a relationship with them. For now I'd rather she not have any contact with my son or send him gifts. However, I don't have the heart to send them back....should I just send a note insisting that we not exchange gifts anymore? I think we're just putting the kids in the middle (especially my son who is always asking about her) by continuing to exchange gifts while we're on nonspeaking terms. I'm not going to hand him a gift and lie to him about who it's from. But I'm also at a loss of words of what to tell him when he asks about her everytime I hand him something she sent him. Plus, she will not respond to my letters or acknowledge that she has received the gifts I've sent to her kids....I at least send her a thank you card.The only reason I do know that my oldest niece received her birthday gift last year is because my mother told me she saw my niece wearing the outfit I had bought her and that my sister had told her it was from me (I was surprised she mentioned my name). Do you think I'm being unreasonable? I feel guilty as hell and my heart is broken that things have to be this way but I feel like I have no other choice. My son and I will end up getting hurt in the end if I keep trying to beat a dead horse...which is what my relationship with my sister has become. How do I get over the guilt? What would you do?
Re: Need more advise
Sorry for your troubles.
There is no way you can contact your sister and have a face to face about this entire situation and tell her what you have told us?
There is nobody who can talk sense into her and maybe make her see the light on this?
I had a family where the aunts -- on my mother's side -- were always feuding and fighting and not talkiing to my mother. Weird, yeah -- and all the fights would be about petty petty things... when the news blackout was on, we were out of touch with the aunts and of course, out of touch with their kids (our cousins). It was awful.
So I can kind of identify.
The moral to the story:
Don't use the kids as pawns and keep your feuds and fighting out of the relationships with the kids. The kids will not only be slighted but they'll also be exposed to a horrifically unhealthy pattern of behavior on their mothers' parts.:(
I agree with this, but I also think that you need to move on from this. Send a little card and gift and give up on trying for a relationship with your sister. You've sent a letter, you've asked for forgiveness, the ball is in her court. To keep at it just makes you look like a doormat and keeps bringing you down. Your sister has cut you out of her life, she's free to make that choice and you need to respect it at this point and just let it go.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I think you've done the right thing so far in a very strained and difficult relationship. It's very difficult to want a relationship with someone who doesn't want one with you, especially when children are involved.
I know you are deeply hurt that you found-out about your new niece in such a random and accidental way. I think that hurt it fueling some of these repeated statements thay say "I wasn't supposed to know about her existence" - that to my ear sound very dramatic. And fuels some of your drama around how you are suppposed to act, like this is all part of a very dramatic plot.
You know. This is a pretty hard secret to keep. Its not that surprising that it came-up. Its INSANE that is was a secret for so long, but not shocking in the least that you discovered it. Sending a gift and a letter was the perfect response. Now that she STILL hasn't thanked you or responded I do agree its time to drop the pretence with exchanging gifts for the children.
I think a simple birthday card to the 5 year old and letter to your sister saying "I respect your decision to cut ties with me and my child. As such, it seems like exchanging presents among the children is simply sad and not genuine. I look forward to reconciling our relationship so the children can know each other and our families can exchange presents with real love and good feelings."
Thank you for your advise DallasTX. I think you truly understand the position I'm in and how it's effected me. For sure my decision to stop the gift exchanging was fueled by my sister and my family not telling me about her newborn. The hardest part is knowing that I would have never found out if I wouldn't have interpreted the post I saw on facebook the way I did. Anybody can write about how beautiful a baby is but like I said above somehow I knew it was referring to my sister. If they weren't going to tell me then I believe God wanted me to know. It was not that hard of a secret for them to keep though....my husband is in the military and we only visit once a year- currently we're overseas. I plan on sending her a letter stating what you wrote above about ceasing the gift exchanges. I hope you don't mind.