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Don't trust MIL to watch daughter
My mil says she wants to watch our one year old daughter- well, tells her that, not us directly. "I'm going to make your parents go out and leave you with me" "I'm going to kidnap you!" etc. Strange enough. But there is no way that will ever happen, I do not trust her to take care of our child. Problem is that I know my DH would. Any suggestions on how to bring this up/break it to DH? I want to be tactful, i.e. I don't want to just say she's a narcissistic b- and be done with it... (ok I'd love to. But I'm pretty sure that'd go badly)
I'm hoping someone here had a similar experience and can share some insight.
Re: Don't trust MIL to watch daughter
Was she always like this?
If she was, you should have considered her behavior when things got serious with your now H.
If you were not comfortable with the fact (back then) that this person was not a good example of a grandmother, then you should have said ended the relationship and moved on.
I have no idea how to tell your H that you do not want his mother babysitting your child. Good luck with this one...it sure sounds like a sticky one. somebody is bound to get pissed off.:(
Ditto.
Is it because you just don't like her or do you have a reason you do not trust her?? If DH suggests MIL as a sitter, I would kindly sugest someone else but I would have a good reason why to explain to DH is he asks. It came across here as if you just don't like her, that's not exactly a reason to ban her from being alone with your LO.
Obviously you can't go back & dump your DH because you don't *like* his mother. I don't even agree with that being said. You are already married to him & have a child so the past can't be changed. Just because you don't care for your MIL is not a good enough reason to me to break up with someone. You love DH, that doesn't mean you have to love his mother. That's not who you are raising your child with even though she is a part of your life as well. As long as DH is supportive & doesn't let your mother babysit when you don't feel comfortable with it.
Has anyone babysat yet??
I agree with this.
As well, even though her comments about kidnapping and making you guys go out are kind of odd, I doubt she's actually planning to kidnap your kiddo. Ours threaten that all the time, but we have the comfort of international borders, lol. It's great that she wants to spend time with her grandchild. Do you think she would be unsafe? Unable to care for a baby? That she wouldn't respect your boundaries or how your raise your daughter? (I have reservations about some family members watching our LO's because they may try to feed them meat, etc.) Or is she an alcoholic schizophrenic with no arms and an anger management problem - because then I could totally see being like "you know what DH? Maybe MIL isn't the best option here."
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Wow. I married my husband not his mother! You must be joking
And he came with a family that included his mother.
And you haven't given a single reason for not allowing your MIL to care for her granddaughter for a couple of hours. Frankly, the kidnapping threats sounds like a garden variety grandma talk, something I've heard countless grandmothers and aunts say in jest or to needle a high strung and humorless DIL. I could totally see my own mother saying something over the top like that to be funny. Doesn't mean they have some sort of mental illness. Though if she truly does, these things tend to be heritable so you'll want to watch DD for signs of a behavior disorder.
She is an unbalanced person. Every story she tells about raising her children is terrifying to me- the things she did or let them do or allowed to happen... Such as not taking my then 7 yr old DH to the hospital with a boken bone, "setting" it at home, thinks it's funny. She tells stories about her youngest at one year old, all the things that happened to him- oh my god. He almost choked on a peanut at 8 months old- she thinks that is funny too. Although its always the child's fault- the baby's fault- for not *knowing better*. And she was a 40yr old SAHM then. My DH can't even remember his youth. How bad must it be to block it out? The things he does talk about are always awful- but he solely blames his father. Seriously. His mom has him believing she's innocent of everything.
She's manipulative, lies, takes medication for depression, and has admited to "partying" on illegally prescribed drug in her past (When children were younger, but there's reason to suspect she still does). My DH will always make excuses for her hatefulness/craziness/etc. She has done plenty to me other people, but those are the reasons I don't trust my child to her. Drug abuse and a past of child abuse. I feel in my gut though that I can't trust her. I am sure this will piss her off and probably my DH too... But I don't know how to approach DH without being blunt. Without blowing this illusion he has.
We don't *need* anyone to babysit. If we did, my parents live within walking distance and mil is half hour away. She just wants us to leave her with her just because. I want to be honest with my DH- "I don't feel comfortable after the stories she has told about how she treated her own children". Is that a bad idea?
I didn't spend a lot of time with his family when we first dated, we didn't live nearby then. DH didn't share his childhood till later in our relationship- of course it's a sensitive topic for him, but I didn't consider leaving him because his parents sucked. Again, I married him not his family. I know I must deal with them now, but even knowing what I do now, I would not have broken up with him because of his family. Are there people that think that way?
Btw are you a psychiatrist? Certain mental disorders are genetically inheritable but you shouldn't say such things so casually.
Ok, my mom being a CCRN felt like she didnt need to take us to the doctor for a lot of things that other moms would have taken their kids in for. If she knew how to set the break and didnt have money for a doctor, I dont see the problem. She probably wasn't laughing at the time, but sometimes you look back and just have to laugh at stuff like that.
Also her using drugs in the past does not mean she still does.
I am not saying that she isnt crazy but you sound a bit off your rocker too...
TTA buddies w/ xcitedbride2009
My mom too- but this is different. Shes a cashier at a fast food restaurant and used Popsicle sticks to hold the break "straight"; it still gives him trouble today. The other things she's done are pretty bad, and I feel should not be repeated. It really bothered me that she thought they were funny stories to begin with. Children being seriously harmed isn't funny. Doing drugs while your young children are in the next room isn't funny.
What have I said that makes me sound crazy, exactly?
I wish someone would give some good advice instead of criticism. I don't think I need to hash out everything to validate my stance... Just how can I bring this up gently?
Agreed. Some of those sound like funny stories, not child abuse.
And things were very different 30 years ago, people didn't rush to the hospital for every little thing, even minor breaks.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
*sigh*
Ok thanks for "helpfulness" ladies.
Hi everybody, new here, just got married July 27th and I had to answer this post.
Wallywoo, I have had to have discussions with my new H regarding the role of his mother with our children. We don't have any yet, but I could see the writing on the wall from the time we were dating; luckily, he admits to his mother's nuttiness. What I have done to start the conversation is wait until she is driving him nuts and then bring up, well if she does this we would have to leave. We both agree she would never be left alone with our children, but due to medical issues I am pretty lucky to not have to deal with her asking either. If you honestly feel your children's emotional and/or physical selves would be in danger you do need to say something to him.
I think everybody here is a little surprised that he would have no clue regarding his mother's behavior. I have to say my own DH is well aware of her behaviors that have caused difficulty in his life. I would suspect if you bring it up linking it to certain events in his life and her knowledge if not participation in them he may be able to see where you are coming from. I think brining it up at this late stage of the game you need to be willing to listen to him as well and listen to see if he has any legitimate counters to what you say. Obviously do not make it a hate on his mom time, and stick to behaviors that have to do with her treatment of children, not what you think of her overall as a person.
Good luck!
What makes you sound crazy is that you are offering no stories that sound like actual child abuse, nor have you provided any evidence that she is still on drugs. We can only judge you by what you tell us and you sound like a DIL who doesnt like MIL.
Maybe you should start out letting her have supervised visits with your child and go from there, if DH doesnt want to cut her out of the childs life then you shouldnt either.
TTA buddies w/ xcitedbride2009
Look you wanted advice and people gave you it. You don't have to like it just as we don't have to tell you your right unless we honestly think your right. This is a site for advice giving...not kissing ass. What info you gave..I am sorry but nothing of it sounds horrible enough to be abuse.
BUT that one line where she blamed the baby..was she just kidding around or did she honestly believe it was the babys fault for not knowing any better? I thought you were in the wrong until I read that one little line. That raised a red flag for me. If she was serious then I am with you on maybe she isn't the best person to have babysit.
I think that the bottom line is that if I'm not comfortable with someone minding my children, they won't be minding my children. Full stop. However, if you approach it as accusing her of abusing her own son when really she's just sharing funny stories with you you are going to come off as a lunatic and cause problems where there weren't any before.
You could brush it off with laughter - ha ha, your mother's stories scare the hell out of me, ha ha ha and then change the subject. You could avoid situations in which she would be asked to babysit. You could tell your husband that you just don't think that his mom is up for it and worry that LO will be too much for her. You could say that you'd rather spend time with his mom as a family, and so on.
But I certainly wouldn't go with the popsicle stick splint = child abuse theory.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
If all these stories are true I wouldn't leave children alone with her either. The most scary one was that she set your H's broken bone with Popsicle sticks and that bone still bothers him years later. Also a baby chocking is never funny. I'm team you.
Talk to your H about your concerns.
when you marry somebody you more or less do marry the family.
I have no idea how you're going to get around this --- and my xMIL was the same way. She thought her idea of babysitting was to plop a kid down in front of a tv and that's that.
Never took the kids for a walk or to a park, never read to them -- just put them in front of that tv and that was that.
There's more to it but I won't go into it here.
the xILs thought this was the greatest. They never had a problem with it being tv all day long and that's it. Kids need mental stimulation and exercise. The xMIL didn't bother with this aspect.
Well, I can just give you my experience with this. My husband and I had a long talk before we had kids about how we planned to raise them (these things change as the kid is here and real life kicks in, but we at least wanted to start on the same page), as well as how we would pick people who could or could not watch our child.
I have always been a believer that if someone does not respect my role as a parent or my rules for my child, then they cannot watch her. My in-laws have done numerous things in my presence that made me uncomfortable with leaving her with them alone (leaving her sitting on a very high table, giving her candy/food that she cannot chew and are choking hazards even after I said no, refusing to move anything breakable/dangerous from where she could reach it, threatening to spank her if she does anything wrong). Anyway, what I did was point out to my husband the specific reasons I was concerned rather than relying on the reasons I don't like his mom (we don't always get along). It's hard to argue with logical reasons not to let someone watch your child, especially since these were rules we came up with together. That being said, once my kid is older and those things are no longer hazardous, I'm sure they'd be wonderful with watching her.
All that to say, I think I wouldn't say anything until the situation comes up that he wants to leave the child with them. Then, I'd calmly explain why I didn't think it was a good idea (giving concrete reasons that make sense), and go from there. Good luck.
Don't ask for advice if all you're looking for is validation. Now, onto the issue... I have to be honest, from what you've explained it sounds like there is the issue of you flat-out not liking her AND an issue of being uncomfortable with the idea of her watching your child. Don't mix the two when you talk to your husband about this. Similiarly, do not imply that she abused him in any way... clearly he doesn't feel that way and suggesting it will only exacerbate the issue.
If you are open to it, I would recommend you let your MIL "watch" your child when you and/or your husband are home with her. Ask her to do feedings, diaper changes, baths, etc while you guys are busy doing something else. You are there and can intervene if you feel it's necessary. This can either help calm your nerves, OR it will provide you with concrete proof, a demonstration of why she's not fit to watch your child.
If you are really against this, then I wish you luck in talking with your husband. I do not recommend having a pre-emptive debate about this. I'd wait until the time comes when your MIL asks to watch the kid, then take it from there. Again, don't blur the lines between not liking her and your actual concerns. Not only will this offend your husband and create a bigger issue, but it will make you argument seem weak. Good luck.
DH and I don't have kids yet, but this is something we have dicussed. MIL has a drinking problem and we recently found out she has been taking morphine pills that were given to her years ago after a surgery. We have talked about the fact that neither of us would be comfortable with her watching our kids.
I say bring the conversation up lightly and talk about potential babysitters. Don't say anything mean about her and use a lot of "I feel...". Chances are though, if he does not see anything wrong with his mom's behaviour, he will want her to watch DD sometimes.
I love your posts, Tofu, so I don't mean to call you out, but I do doubt that in 1982 lots of people were setting their children's broken bones with popsicle sticks.
OP, I'll validate you that that is inappropriate, and whether or not she does drugs still, the fact that she was doing them with children unattended in the next room at any point in her life screams of very poor judgment on her part.
More details of her behavior would be helpful but I think you should talk to your H about it. You should do it now, because you don't want him talking to his mother and agreeing to allow her to babysit. Then you're in the worse position of trying to get out of it. Just be gentle as he clearly doesn't see his mom the way you do.
You should do it now, because you don't want him talking to his mother and agreeing to allow her to babysit. Then you're in the worse position of trying to get out of it.
I agree with PP on this, I'd like to take back my comment about not having a pre-emptive conversation about this, because this could happen.
I think telling him you are not comfortable with the idea of leaving DD with MIL is a legitimate way to start the conversation. If he presses for details then you can tell him her admitting to abusing drugs and her nonchalant attitude of childcare gives you a reason to be concerned.
The advice tofu gave you on making it more about DD being a handful might also help him understand she is not capable.
If you feel in your gut she is unstable and unreliable I wouldn't be afraid to piss off your DH to get the point across. If she is that bad and he is blind to it, then what choice do you have to insure the safety and well being of your child?
I'd probably make a point of showing
whenever she told one of her stories. Surely he would notice your wtf face.
I agree with PP.
DH has flashbacks of his mother trying to drown/strangle him when he was a small child. I also know she would go long periods of time without washing glasses, etc. and still let DH drink from them among other neglectful things. She used to be really off her rocker, and still is to some extent. I would never trust her alone with our children if we had them.
Letting your H know about your concerns should not piss him off if he's a rational person. I think most people can agree that doing drugs with unsupervised children in the room next door and fixing a broken bone with popsicle sticks is bad parenting. If your H can't see this, I'd say that's more telling of any issues he has than yours.
LOL! No worries, the beauty of an internet forum is that you will get different opinions. How lame would it be if we all said the same thing all the time? Different viewpoints, different experiences... anyway, it's a good thing I don't make it a policy to only be friends with people that tell me I'm right. And pretty. Especially pretty.
As for the popsicle stick splint being child abuse, I still just think it's a funny story that she was sharing and not exactly child abuse. The poster that gave two examples of child abuse toward their husband as 1. he has flashbacks of her trying to drown him and 2. he drank out of dirty glasses made me stagger - 1= child abuse, 2 not so much. I think that culturally we've gotten way too crazy with what is and isn't child abuse. The drug use - if she's on drugs now, fine, I'll give you that one. But if she did drugs with her child in the next room 30 years ago yes, that's incredibly poor and crappy judgement but would you want to be held to your standard of judgement that you had 30 years ago? My parents had me at 17 and did drugs and partied with me in the house - they don't do that any more and I wouldn't even consider that a factor when debating their ability to babysit for an hour.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I'm surprised, to say the least, that some people would think it's not a big deal to not rush one's child to the hospital for a broken bone. If you're a mother thinking that, that's downright appalling, IMO. Are you all from an underdeveloped province of Burundi or something? The thirty years ago argument is laughable, I assume everyone that has replied is in or is from the US, yes? are you seriously saying that a couple of generations ago there no hospitals, medicine and good parenting in this country?
It seems that after the first few ill-natured replies everyone else sort of jumped on the "you're just looking for validation" wagon. My reading of the story is that she was asked to supply evidence before anyone could advise on how to discuss it with the H. Only, from there they moved to criticizing her mental state and judgement ability as a mother. To be fair, as a mother, however nutty a third person might think her reasons are, they will be ENOUGH if her child's well being is at stake.
In my experience, when you marry a man you don't redirect your vows to his entire family, rather you form your own. So you don't base the whole fate of the relationship, before or after, on the one you have with your loved one's parents, anymore than they base their marriage's fate on their relationship with you. One might live more or less close to the ILs, or see them more or less often, or have more or less issues with them but in no case whatsoever will you have *married them*.
But this is all off topic speculation that some threw in.
OP, our approach is always simple, honest and direct regardless of the topic, so my only advice is to keep it simple and straightforward. After hearing what you've written here, if he's a rational man, he will agree with you. Or at least agree to setting some boundaries. Obviously, the notion that your MIL might not call 911 if anything were to happen to your daughter would concern me too. GL