Family Matters
AJPretty
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Not a hugger
I am not a hugger, with the exception of my husband and grandparents. I don't even hug my parents that often. My H's family is full of huggers. I suck it up and do hello hugs at Christmas and holidays, but it drives me crazy that every time they see me they want to hug. If I leave or enter a room, people want to hug.
H knows my dislike of hugs and has told his family, and they just forget. Whenever we leave from seeing his family, he'll hug everyone multiple times each to distract them from hugging me, and I try to make a quiet escape.
Is there any polite way to decline hugs? I do love his family and don't want them to take it personally, its just not my thing.
Re: Not a hugger
Maybe you tell them yourself? Put your hand out to pat their shoulder/shake hands or something else that might dissuade them from hugging?
My H isn't a hugger either. He only likes to hug me and his family but we sees his family maybe once a year. He puts up with being hugged by my family but never initiates them.
I have become a huger over the years. I would just stand there, cringe inside and let my IL's (before they were my IL's) hug me. As I started to warm up to hugging I gave half/ side hugs. Now I hug. Took about 8 years. My family is not big on huging. I hug my very close family but sometimes it feels awkward to me and I have known them my entire life.
Be thankful they are not kissers. My IL's and H's extended family are kissers on top of hugers. Every time they tried to kiss me I would turn my head. After a time they got the hint of me squirming to get away from kissing that I wasn't comfortable. They thought I didn't like them. H and I said its not that I don't like them I am just not comfortable with it. That took many times to get it through their heads.
Definitely agree...Find some other way to non-verbally greet them, or I do half-one armed kind of hugs. I'm not a hugger at all, not even really big on my own family hugging me, my family knows this and generally leaves me alone, but my fiance's family likes to hug. I just try to stick to the sidelines, and give half hugs to satisfy them
I would guess that OP cannot deal with it. I know my best friend has difficulty receiving hugs from just about anyone. While it might not be physically painful, there is a lot of psychological pain for some people, and she might not want to share the source of that with her in-laws.
Having said that, maybe you can pre discuss its about time to say goodbye with your H and already be at the door or at your house be in a sitting position with something in front of you so it would be difficult for them to get to you to hug you. Hopefully, the barrier will help remind them your uncomfortable with it.
I'm not a hugger, either, but my in-laws and east coast friends are "kissers." What I'd recommend is different than what I do - so take it for what it's worth. There's no shame in not being a hugger (or kisser) and if you absolutely cannot get comfortable with it, let people know that you're not much of a hugger by saying, "I'm not much of a hugger, but I loved seeing you." And put a hand on their arm or grab their hand for a squeeze (not a handshake). It will be awkward for awhile, but then people stop taking it personally - especially after they see that you don't hug anyone.
So that's what I recommend. What I do? I avoided by just keeping my distance during goodbyes. If someone still came toward me, I went ahead with the hug, but after a time or two - I either became more comfortable hugging them or they became more comfortable letting me have my distance. The real barrier is people's initial inclination to take it too personally and you/my tendency feel somewhat freakish for not wanting to hug. But everyone gets over it even amidst the clumsiest boundary-setting.
I don't think "deal with it" is the right answer. If it was just one person (a grandma who was old and won't change), that might be ok, but YOU need to be comfortable, too!
You've been given some options already - doing a half-hug, becoming a "kisser" if that is more comfortable for you (and if you won't be hugged once you are close for a kiss).
I think YOU should keep a polite distance and say in a good-natured way "oh, I'm not a hugger.....love you, bye!" or something similar. I almost think making your spouse "have a talk" with the family is less productive and makes the issue more "serious." (not that you shouldn't be taken seriously, but really - not wanting to hug someone should not be a big deal!).
If you were to go try and hug someone, and they backed off and said "Oh, no thanks, I'm not a hugger!" Wouldn't you think that person was being anal and stuck up? My opinion.....
Like I said before, it's a two second deal where you're touching another person. *woop dee doo* The only way I can see you being freaked out about this is if they person is NASTY. Otherwise, again, deal with it. There are some things ladies you can't get out of and you just gotta deal with it. A hug is not a big deal.
Why should people be forced to touch other people when they don't feel comfortable doing so? Why is OP in the wrong/a weirdo/or anal and stuck up if she simply doesn't care to hug? This thought process has always boggled my mind. Shouldn't the person pushing for physical contact when the receiver is clearly not into it be in the "wrong"?
OP, do what you're comfortable with.
Ugh, I'm with you on this. There's no good way to make people not hug you based on your preferences, since to huggers, it's all about them and what they want, and they are goddamned entitled to touch and squeeze you. It's been a process of trial and error, but so far what's working best for me is to make the hug as icky and awkward as possible while not being inappropriate so that the other person does the work of avoiding me at hug time in the future. Ways to do this include hunching slightly so that everything they're hugging feels hard and pointy and unpleasant, wheezing slightly when they squeeze so that they're never quite sure if they're hugging too hard, sticking your elbows out to the sides and digging your stiff and pointy fingers slightly into their shoulderblades, and if possible, angling your torso so that one of your shoulders presses firmly into the hugger's larynx.
No, I would not, since I am a considerate person and take other people's feelings into consideration.
Oh for God's sake this is ridiculous. Live and let live! Some people are not comfortable with physical contact, one person's way is not more correct. Why should the touchy-feely person's preferences trump the physically distant person's? If anything, I think it should go the other way.
I'm a hugger but I would not be offended at all if someone told me they weren't. No big deal. In fact I went through a 9 week training recently that spent a whole 3 hour class on issues like this. Their view was that you avoid physical contact until you know the other person is fine with it (this was regarding taking in a foster child so obv. different situation but probably always a good way to proceed).
Ha. You poor thing. Yes you'll have to explain it but people tend not to get it. I had this issue before but I ended up just going along with it. I might not be a hugger but I can't take the response when you tell people no. "What?!....(sad face) why? "
It's tough one.
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