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Let It All Out (Sequel to "Not Coping")
As I said before, I have spent 6/7 days next to H at the hospital. Not eating. Not doing my hair. Not working. Just talking to doctors, calling his mother, fluffing his pillows and watching "Family Feud" with him. It's actually been pretty nice. I thought we were really getting somewhere. I had gotten very little sleep and I'm a basketcase, but it didn't matter as long as he wanted me near.
Today when I came to visit with his family, he started asking me all these cold questions about his bank account, the condition of the car and if the house is clean. I didn't like it. I didn't want to make a scene so I made a quip about how I could be working right now. He snapped right back about my "work sh*t" being everywhere (I'm a 1st grade teacher and a disorganized one at that, so he's not wrong). I figured I'd show him by getting all of it out of the way.
2 hours, 2 boxes and one huge headache later, I stopped. I started to get mad. Really mad. I sent him a text explaining that while I love him dearly and wish him the very best for his surgery in the morning, guess what? The "work sh*t" will be staying with us a little longer since I've spent most of my waking hours worrying about him or going to see him or taking someone else to see him. And on that note how dare he give me the damn Spanish Inquisition in front of his family like that?! Even when I mentioned making sure he's okay before I head back to work, he was still huffing about getting the 2nd car fixed so I can stop driving our new car everywhere (what the hell are cars for?!). Even his aunt was saying "mijo, I don't think you understand what she's talking about".
He responded that he never wanted me to spend that much time at the hospital "wasting all that gas". He brought up the complaints about not getting work done. I told him the only reason I made such comments was because if he was going to talk to me all crazy, I might as well go get some work done. I told him I didn't feel appreciated, to which he responded he already mentioned "doing something nice for me" once he's better. I told him the nicest thing he can do for me is talk to me like an equal. He didn't know what to do with that one.
Bottom line: he wants me to "go take care of my sh*t". I quote the swear because it changes "oh sweetie, go take some time for yourself" to "get outta my face". I've had it.
I keep trying to show love and affection and dote on him like a loving wife and the whole thing gets spat on.
I'm going away for awhile. His mother can take care of him.
Re: Let It All Out (Sequel to "Not Coping")
It sounds like he's not coping with his illness very well and is lashing out? It also sounds like he's being an ass, but you need to deal with his hospitalization first.
I recently did a two week unexpected stint in the hospital and it's hardly a vacation. I was stressed and worried constantly about my family, how were they doing? What were they eating? How were the kids coping? My job - I even had meetings at the hospital and was trying as best as I could to work from my laptop in bed at times. Then there is the unknown and I started to panic about not coming out, so when DH came to visit I wanted to talk about finances, life insurance and all of these very cold things but it was my way of coping. I asked DH about the laundry, raised my eyebrows when the kids looked as though they had dressed themselves, fussed over what he was buying for groceries, how much money he was spending (lots of takeout, gas and parking to come see me, etc.) because I had zero control over these things and needed to regain some control over my life. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's how I felt when I was in there.
I think I may have even asked him if the house was clean and reminded him to wash the bedding and stupid things like that - surely a clean house and fresh linen were the last things on his mind.
I'd suggest bringing him a whole bunch of stuff to keep him entertained -laptop with lots of movies, books, some secret munchies you can sneak in, a crossword puzzle book and things like that to keep him occupied, let him know that you love him and not to worry, you've got things under control while he's there, and when he's out and feeling better the two of you can tackle other projects and issues (fixing a car) together. For now, he needs to focus on getting better and you'll see him as much as you can but you're always thinking about him, blah blah blah.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I'd have told him to go sh!t in his hat.
Wow. How dare he talk to you like a skivvy.
I'm starting to wonder what in potato salad you need him for.
What is the deal with the car? You are not supposed to
use the new car?
Wait 'til he is better and have a serious sit-down
with this boy.
This was the plan with the car: we couldn't afford two new cars just yet so we got one. He was supposed to drive it to work and while I'm on summer break, I could use it after he got home and we'd share on the weekends. I would fix the old car just enough that I could get to work and run errands (I work way closer, but it's still an hour-long bus ride). At tax time we would use our refund to get another car, either through Craigslist or at the auto auction.
Then he got injured at work and couldn't drive. So I shuttled him around to doctor's visits and used the car to run errands and visit some friends around the city. When he started feeling better, he wanted to drive but he really didn't have anywhere to go. I continued to run errands and visit friends, with him driving sometimes, too.
Now that he's laid up, he can't even get out of bed and I've been using the car to visit him on top of running errands. I didn't really think about getting the other car fixed because, really, I had enough to do. I'm still willing to but I just don't like his tone about the whole thing. He says I "ruined" his car inside and out. I know I'm a little clumsy but a.) the car is 14 years old b.) I was just learning how to drive and c.) We have a two year old. They make messes.
I'm working my damndest to keep the car footprint and juicestain free, but even when I clean it out and spray it down, there's always a complaint.
He needs to get up and move about, even if it's just for a walk down to the corner store to get a paper and then walk home.
I wonder how much of this with him is just some kind of Pious Peter act?
What is with him, anyway? he seems to find fault with everything you sand and do! What good is he to you? he's supposed to be in your corner and support you 100%the same as you would do for him.
I doubt if that car is the wreck of the Hesperus. You need to have a serious talk with this guy -- how much longer is he going to jump on you and find fault with everything you do and say?
Sometimes the caretaker has to take care of herself. Clean up the worksh!t because you want it done and not because you have been ordered to by his Royal Ungratefulness. Stop being a chauffeur to his family/friends for hospital visits. I don't know how long he has left of his hospital stay, but spending the entire day with him is working against you.
Have a fun afternoon with your child. Make yourself a priority, it is obvious he is not making you one. Perhaps, staying home and getting things ready for his return will make things better and easier on you once he is released. He has nurses who can take care of him now and once he is home it will be you. Take this opportunity to recharge yourself.