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Marriage Lacking Romance
I feel like a selfish baby to say this, because my husband truly is a good man. He is very sweet to me, and gives me lots of affection, but we have been together for 6 years, and romance in our marriage is so non-existent!! We have been together since high school, and the man had more game when he was a 17 year old, so I know he's capable of trying.
For instance, this year, he did not buy me a birthday present, or do anything else special for my birthday. He wasn't even very generous with birthday sex. For our anniversary, he cooked dinner. And by cooked dinner, I mean scrounged through the fridge to find some meat before it expired and made some year old frozen vegetables. I am grateful that he did this, but as the grand gesture on our wedding anniversary? I'm sorry, after working a 12 hour day I feel that him making me dinner should be a given (which will ALWAYS receive the highest of gratitudes) but would that not be a common courtesy? I cook him dinner at least 3 or 4 nights a week, and I am no stay-at-home-housewife. If anything, I work MORE hours than him....I also go out of my way to do special things for him, very often.
Our marriage is supposed to last forever, and I feel that he does nothing to tell me that I'm worth doing something special for.
And I'm not asking for much. Definitely nothing expensive. It's thoughtfulness I'm looking for, not extravagance.
How do I communicate this to him without bruising his ego?
Re: Marriage Lacking Romance
I think no matter what if a decent guy finds out he isn't pleasing his wife he will be a little upset with himself. So stop tiptoeing around his feelings and just do it. It's better to just get it all out in the open so it can be solved right away. (And in my opinion this works for everything) That doesn't mean you have to be rude about it or lash out.
I had the same issue with my husband. I just told him how I knew I was special to him but I didn't feel it. I made crystal clear examples. And he did just that. And it's great that you already treat him the way you do. Some women forget to do that!
Just tell him. IMO the longer you wait the more you'll resent him. He'll probably be mad you waited so long to come to him with an issue you have in your marriage. Unless your H is a douche, he'll want to improve and make adjustments to his behavior in order to make you happy.
Case in point: my H is comfortable with a lot more mess than I am. However because I like a clean living area and clean dishes etc, he does more cleaning.
You guys need to read the Five Love Languages.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/
Now, from your original post, he seems to be affectionate (physical touch) and "sweet to you" (words of affirmation), but those don't seem to be your most important love languages. Based on your post, you value Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts and he isn't meeting those needs. If you guys are able to identify the things that the other person needs and have clear examples to provide the other of how to meet those needs ("My birthday and our anniversary are important days to me. I need you to make plans for those days - make a clear effort like reservations for a restaurant we haven't tried or shop for a special dinner at home - and that will make me feel very loved."), I bet that you will feel more loved...
Good luck.
Ok I truly don't mean to sound snarky, but I am a bit confused about your statement about him making dinner for your anniversary. Why is the onus on him to make you a dinner when the anniversary is for the both of you ? I guess I would never say to my husband " Hey, it's our anniversary, what are you gonna make me ?" My birthday and mother's day, sure; but when it comes to important shared events like anniversaries and valentine's day, I believe that both people in the relationship need to be romantic and it isn't fair to put all of that on the man. The woman can be romantic too. You could have at least offered to help with the anniversary dinner or made reservations.
I have to ask when was the last time you made a romantic dinner for just the two of you ? I am not talking a regular ho hum dinner, I understand you do your fair share of making dinner, but when have you made a special dinner by candlelight ? When have you scheduled a spontaneous weekend getaway or left sweet notes around the house or greeted him in nothing but an apron or wrote him a poem. My point is if you want more romance, then be romantic. Who knows, you might be surprised with the results.
Sit down and talk to him about this -- how you would love it if both you and he were more romantic, just like you were in the past.
I don't see why you can't tell him exactly what you told us. If that bruises his ego then he is a delicate little flower.
I'm a little confused about why you were working on your anniversary at all! Take the day off and MAKE it special. Tell him, "For our anniversary this year let's do _______." Tell him, "Let's get each other gifts for our anniversary this year." Or say things like, "For my birthday why don't you get me this ______." And, "I'd really appreciate a romantic surprise for my birthday."
It seems that he's not into romance; some people aren't. What's important is communication. Let him know that you're into it, and if he would every now and then do something romantic, you would really appreciate it. Someone already mentioned the 5 love languages... exactly.
When I am having a hard time communicating something to my husband I will write him a letter. It keeps him from getting defensive, and he can read it over and over again and let it sink in. Don't accuse him of anything (you need to...you don't...you never...), say things like "I used to love it when you... or I miss..." I've also flat out told him I need to go on a date, or I need him to 'date me'.
Tell him you don't feel special. Tell him he does nothing to SHOW (this is a big difference between telling, sometimes men don't understand that) you that you are special. Give him examples of what you try to do to make him feel special. He really may not realize you are purposefully doing those things. Ask him what you would like him to do more of, to show him that you are willing to do things on your end too.
I have told my husband in the past that while I love him, I'm not happy with our marriage. He really listened to what I had to say after that and things did change. We both make a habit of trying to do things for each other. I need the pursuit and the romance. He is a neat freak and if I go out of my way to make the bed for him or dust or mop he notices and that does the same thing for him that a night out does for me.
I'm so glad I saw your post. I thought I was the only one that feels this way. Like you my DH and I have been together for 12 years (since HS too). Been married for 3 years. He's every affectionate and sweet. Like you, I feel like I'm the only one who work hard in this relationship. Whether its valentine, anniversary, birthday, christmas I always do extensive research to make sure I get him what he likes because I want to make him happy. I get flowers from him every 3-4 yrs, no christmas present, my bday consist of a humidifier or lottery tickets. I didn't even get a dinner on the day that he proposed. Then he gave me the credit card bill he charged the ring on 2 weeks later since we shared the same account (thing is I never got a bill for when he buy his car parts/toys). I worked 60 hours a week to pay for our wedding. He didn't even bother to save up for a decent ring or proposal.
Just like you I felt like maybe I'm not special enough for him to do anything for. I never said anything to him bc I felt that its something the person should do himself and not be told. I hold it in for the past 12 years with full of resentment and anger. I finally told him a couple months ago. He said he will try to make it up to me. Our anniversary was last month and nothing much as changed. I have finally decided to give up. I didn't do anything for his birthday last week and he confront me about why I didn't do anything for him and that I hurt his feeling. I wanted to scream at him but no words came out, just tears.
Other factors that add to my anger is I felt like he's forever a child. I constantly have to tell him he has to help with house chores or limit his spending. He tells me he's busy with work so he can't take me to the doctor yet he has time to go to the movie and play golf. I'm so tired of babysitting. Before kids I never see the problem. Now that I have 3 kids I just don't want to have to raise another one that is not mine. I need a partner in life not a child.
There is a great book that I have begun reading and it helps make sense of why people get in the ruts of day to day life. My husband and I just started trying to work on our marriage to better it. I was a little frustrated about him not understanding what I need as a woman and I felt my efforts were going unnoticed by him also.
We took the emotional needs test in the book and found out why we were so far off....
The Book is called "His Needs, Her Needs" It is really a great book and it might help him realize your needs, my greatest need was for affection (like most women) but my husband listed that as his 8th most important need, so he did not feel it was that important. I agree with you about not wanting extravigant things its the simple things, kisses, a not to say simply "I Love you" or just something a little extra can go miles for women...... I strongly recomend the book, best of luck to you both!