Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Insecure?
I have been with my husband for about 2 1/2 years and we have been married for almost 5 months. We have a great relationship but for some reason his past seems to be something that haunts me.
Beforecwe started dating he had been with someone off and on for about 4 years and they had been previously engaged. There were a couple times when we were dating I found out he had looked at her Facebook out of "curiosity". When he found out it bothered me, he blocked her so he wouldn't look at her Facebook and she couldn't see his. Then when we were engaged he had found out she moved and looked it up to see where it was. When I questioned him about it he said he was just wondering because he had never heard of it before.
I don't know if I'm overreacting or what but sometimes this still bothers me. We have talked about it multiple times and he has apologized and said he wishes he could change the past, but i don't know why it continues to bother me. I guess I just felt like there were still feelings there , even those he says there weren't. And when we get into a argument I find myself bringing her up which upsets him be ause he says she is nothing to him.
Am I overreacting.? How do I let it go?
Re: Insecure?
It seems like at every turn he has done what you asked of him to cut ties with her (i.e. blocking her on Facebook). Did he try to hide looking up where she lived or did he just not think it would offend you? Has he done anything to make you suspicious since you were actually married?
I kinda feel like if he hasn't done anything else to make you suspicious you need to start to let it go. You knew there was this entity when you got married, so its not fair to either of you to bring her up all the time. Maybe you two should go to counseling to work through the problem.
Yes you are over-reacting. This is something that is totally on you.You let it go by working on your own insecurities. He has every right to feel upset. Imagine how you would feel if he kept accusing you of something like that over and over.
If I were you I would have a sit down chat with him tonight or whenever you can. Apologize and talk about how you are just insecure and it is something you need to work on.
He on the other hand needs to just let it go also and focus on now. Chances are he is just curious how everything turned out for her. I am curious about every single ex. Not because there are any feelings but just because I am literally curious. With things how it is now it's easier to check up on exs. But if you ask him to do something he should just respect that.
Ways to 100 percent let go...that is all on you and what will work. There are sites with helpful tips. A woman did a post on her insecurities not that long ago and I told her what I have been working on myself. But to be blunt I don't want to sound like a broken record on here so if your curious then there is a post that is called Feeling of Insecurity
Either way being insecure is not only harmful to you but to the relationship and should be fixed asap
If he's married to you why would he care what an ex is up to and doing with her life?
On one hand, it seems harmless. On the other hand, he knows it bothers you and does it anyway. Why?
Two good questions to ask him.
Disclaimer: I have no exes and neither does my H.
Thank you for responding, and for the advice. He hasn't checked up on her that I know of in a year but for some reason if we get into an argument it's always the first thing that pops into my head. I know I need to work on that and my insecurities, I'll look into the blog you suggested.
oh wait no it's not a blog lol. It's a post here on the relationships forum. Sorry should have been more clear...it's a bit down the relationships forum page.
I have ex-boyfriends. I talk to them maybe once or twice a year - keep up with major life developments, share a tidbit that is of mutual interest. If I travel to their city, I might have coffee or lunch with them. My partner doesn't care because he knows I am committed to him.
IMHO, you are too sensitive. He married you. He blocked her.
I do think you're overreacting. Plus, she haunts you because YOU bring her up, YOU think about it. The onus is on you with this one.
As far as letting it go... you have to be your own voice of reason. "Ebo - he married me, he's in love with me. He's done everything I've asked him to do. Let it go." Any time a thought creeps in, you have the power to push it back out. Make yourself busy with something else, take a walk, put on a tv show, make food, whatever you have to do to occupy your mind with something else. And for the sake of your relationship, stop bringing this girl up in arguments. It's not good for either of you.
Good luck
It doesn't sound like he's doing anything wrong, per se, but it sounds like you feel deep down that he never got over her. That makes me wonder how conversations about the past were handled. Were your pasts discussed in a neutral way, or did he whine and moan about how much he looooooved her and how she broke his heart? Does she still come up in conversation now, from his end, or is she only mentioned when you bring her up?
I've noticed that a lot of people handle their pasts inappropriately (and I suspect he's one of them, considering the melodramatic way he had to block her on Facebook in order to restrain himself from checking up on her) when it comes to discussing them with new partners, and it causes trouble that has a hard time going away. One melodramatic story implying that she was the love of his life, and you never really know whether he married you because he's crazy about you, or whether he married you because she's not available to him as an option, no matter how much time passes. I swear, people should take classes in this sort of thing.
Iagree that you're over reacting. Neither of us was engaged before we got married and we are both casually in touch with exes. They were important part of our lives for a period of time. Breaking up and moving on doesn't erase that my exes were part of my life at some point. I figure if DH wanted to be with his ex, he would be with his ex.
The fact that you bring her up when you all fight also signals some maturity and communication issues. I think counseling might help you with the insecurity and the communication problems.
The only person who is keeping the woman alive at this point is you, by keeping bringing her up and starting conflict with your husband where there no longer is any.
I agree that he should not have "been curious" which only gave birth to your insecurity. However the only way to move on from this is to let go of her and never bring her up.
Instead when you are feeling this way or feeling as though you are about to bring her up just instead ask your husband for what you are desiring at the moment like some attention, a hug, some reassuring words even if you have to feed it to him.
Delurking...
I just wanted to say that I am your husband in this situation and that if he is like me, you have nothing to worry about. I was with a guy for 5 years before dating my husband (who I have now been with for seven). It was my biggest relationship and it ended with him cheating so it was a hard breakup. We have both since remarried and I am expecting a baby with my husband.
That being said, I sometimes look my ex up out of curiosity. He and I are not facebook friends nor will we ever be, but he is friends with my friends so I can still see pictures and stuff. I don't know why but it is interestiung to see what his life looks like in pictures - kind of like what mine would have been in a paralell universe? I have NO feelings left for him nor would I ever date him ever again. I am happily married and feel that everything happened the way it did for a reason. It is just that for a long time that guy was a huge part of my life and then he wasn't, almost like a death.
So it is just curiosity on my part, looking at the future of someone I once knew so well. Your husband has sounded very forthcoming and good to you and your requests, I hope this can put your mind at ease that sometimes it is just curiosity and nothing more. Hope this helps!
Ugh, I hate facebook.
Here's the thing, if it isn't actually harming your relationship then you need to let it go. If it is harming your relationship and he doesn't care..then it would be a problem.
My boyfriend's ex (from a long time ago, but still) is friends with him on facebook and she basically harasses him and says "I miss you" to him like every week (or more). I don't think she has via facebook for a while because I think he has told her to stop. But I'm sure she still does via text/message.
The point is, I was getting so insecure from her always pining for him that it was effecting our relationship and therefore he knew that he had to tell her to stop.
Fight for your relationship, make sure that he knows that that is your only point.