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Newly married and not getting enough alone time. (Long post)
Last night at 10:30 my husband received a telephone call from his 11 year old son stating that his mom was taking everyone to the river to go tubing and invited us to come. This is something they had all done together before, and they already owned all the equipment: life jackets, kayaks, inner tubes and such.
My husband and I were just married on July 14th and we did not have a honeymoon because I moved to his home state of Arkansas from Florida and we are still trying to get settled and money is tight. Both of us are teachers and off for the summer and I moved out here in April, but my new job doesn?t start for another week, so I have been living off the proceeds from the sale of my house.
Things had been pretty stressful moving in together and getting ready for a wedding the past few months, and I was looking forward to a little alone time with my new husband. We have his children every Wednesday and Thursday and every other weekend. It was our weekend with them last week so we had them quite a bit since they don?t attend any type of summer camp during the summer months. Last week my husband took his son to the gun range on one of the days we are normally by ourselves and the following day he made arrangements for the boy to have a music lesson on one of our ?alone time days.? I made mention to my husband that I wanted to have a little bit more alone time with him since we didn?t have a honeymoon and we really hadn?t had a chance to enjoy each other?s company with all the wedding planning. He told me we would have five days together without kids and we will have plenty of alone time.
Being from Florida, and New Jersey prior to that, I have always lived on the east coast and frequented the beach. I knew I was giving all that up for this man, but I felt it would all be worth it. I have been repeatedly asking my husband to take me to a place where there is water or a waterfall, since he told me there are numerous of both here in Arkansas, and I really miss having a place where I can go and relax or have fun. I asked him on Friday if we could go to a place called Hot Springs this weekend. I have looked up places and shown him many places I would like to visit. I know he has frequented these places and knows where they are. I can go by myself; it isn?t that I need a tour guide. It is just that I am married now and would like to learn about and see the state I now live in with my new husband.
So, after the phone call from my stepson, my husband is excited and wants to go to the river with his kids, and this includes his ex and her daughter from her first marriage and her daughter?s husband, her stepson from her current marriage and his girlfriend, and her parents. I was pretty miffed at the fact it is our weekend together, part of the five days he said we would have alone, and now he wants us to spend one of those days with his kids and former wife. I really didn?t want to go, but he kept telling me it would be fun and I would have a good time and it would be an inexpensive way to have a nice time.
This morning we headed out to Wal-Mart to buy me a life jacket and an inner tube. I had asked him about his other kayak and he told me he bought that for his son, and during the rough parts of the river he likes to put his daughter in his kayak, so I had to get an inner tube, but he would tie it to his kayak so we could stay together and hold hands, like his ex wife and her husband do, except they both have inner tubes. Well, we get to Wal-Mart and the only life jackets they have left are 2XL and 3XL. I also needed a hat to protect myself from the sun because we would be floating for three hours, and water shoes because the area where we would get out and have lunch is really rocky, and flip flops might fall off while going down the river. I just gave up at this point when all there was, was a bright orange boxy life preserver which my husband said would do for now until we could buy one more comfortable. He stated that I didn?t need to wear it the entire time, only if there was an emergency and I were to fall out. I said, ?What am I supposed to do, wait for an emergency, AND THEN put my life jacket on. I told him to just take me home, that I wouldn?t be upset and to just go and have a good time.
Well, of course I am upset or I wouldn?t be here pouring my heart out, but I have no idea what to do now. I don?t know what to say to him when he comes home and I don?t know how to even act around him. I?m hurt because he told me the reason we don?t do things is because I don?t wake up with him at 6:30 in the morning to do things before it gets hot and that I don?t suggest things. I have been doing nothing but suggest things. As far as getting up at 6:30 in the morning goes, I was teaching in an all male juvenile offender?s facility for the past four years, and we worked year-round; the boys didn?t have a summer break, and I had to be in the classroom at 7:15. Prior to that, I had put myself through college while raising my daughter after my divorce. I was happy to have the break after selling my house, leaving my home of 15 years, quitting my job, and leaving my daughter behind, because at the last minute she decided to remain in Florida. So it?s my fault that we haven?t done anything besides get married and get our home in order since I?ve been here? I?m not a morning person, so getting up at 6:30 AM isn?t something I naturally do. I could have if we were to have planned something though. I?m not lazy, I just don?t naturally get up until 8:30/9:00.
I am going to wrap it up because I have been ranting for far too long. If you hung in there and read this in its entirety, I would greatly appreciate some advice or thoughts; any type of input would be greatly beneficial.
Re: Newly married and not getting enough alone time. (Long post)
If you didnt want a man with children you shouldnt have married one. You sound like a child.
You should be happy he wants to be with his children and has a good relationship with his ex.
If a honeymoon and alone time were so very impoartant to you you should have planned one.
You really do sound like a whiney spoiled brat.
My empathy- Well to some extent I understand your frustration. My husband and I didn't have a chance for a honeymoon due to timing, finances, and children as well so I have been in that boat before.
To expect you to be up two hours earlier than normal people on summer break is unreasonable. If you get up at 8:30 it isn't hot as balls out yet, you two can still spend time together and do something without sweating to death. If he promised solo time with you he should have held up his end of the promise, BUT in this case you did tell him to go ahead. I'll comment more on that below.
He sounds like he needs to make some more accomodations for you. A letter might help him understand if you are the type to get emotional when talking about stuff. You guys are newlyweds and probably have plenty of learning to do about one another but he cant learn if you dont teach him and same goes for him to you.
My advice- stop telling him you wont be upset in situations where you will be. Women do this all the time and I have yet to figure out why. You are telling a lie, maybe in hopes that he will read your mind and say okay forget it and cancel whatever it is you dont really want him to do. He wont, he never will. You gave him an out, you told him go without you and you wont be upset about it. Now if you give him grief over it he will say, but you said you were fine with it, and the circle of frustration will continue and if feelings are really boiling you just started another fight. You are married, be upfront with him about your feelings. He will never be as intuitive as you, he will never read your mind, he will always take your verbal word for it over any gut feeling he might have to the contrary.
For many men, their kids are going to come before their women, whether you birthed those children or not. They are his flesh and blood and they will always be there. Get used to making some accomodations now or you will just end up more frustrated, hurt, and emotionally lonely. The ex will also always be around, not because he wants her there, not because he is still in love with her, but because his kids want her there. His kids love both of their parents and divorce is hard on any child, having both parents around for stuff like this makes their month. It makes them feel less vulnerable and like their family life isn't crazy or over or whatever. Whether they realize it or not, those kids want you to get along with their mom too. They dont want tensions between the adults because it makes them feel worse.
You said in your post you wanted to go to some waterfall or other natural water environment, IMO going tubing provided you that opportunity. You really could have attended and enjoyed yourself. Who cares if his ex is there, she is an ex, she is an ex for probably PLENTY of good reasons. Don't let yourself feel insecure around her. He isn't going tubing for her, he went for his kids.
It sounds like he needs everything written out for him. If that is the case, sit down and plan out the next 2 or 3 days you have alone left with him. Then sit him down and say this is what I want us to do the next few days. If he pushes back say this is your honeymoon gift to me. I want your undivided attention to do X,Y,Z.
Also, you sound very emotional, understandably so, you are sitting at a new home alone without your husband just stewing. I suggest you get out of the house and take yourself out to get your nails done, or window shopping at the mall or something to get your mind off this. You dont want to be a firecracker when he gets home because that isnt fair to either of you.
And, all of the change you are going through is emotionally taxing, try not to take it out on him but also condier therapy. If you dont have friends to vent to or a womens group you can attend to make some new friends, going to a counselor might help put some things in perspective and help you cope with missing your daughter and feeling so alone. Your husband cannot be everything for you. You need to build a new support system in your new town.
1. My number one advice is accept you will not always get alone time right when you want it. You are already a parent so you should know that by now.
2. Take alone time when you can and make the best of it.
3. Be upfront with your husband. If your upset tell him! Communication and honesty are important.
4. Tell him you want to start saving for a honeymoon.
In all honesty here is a sweet man who is wanting to spend some sort of time with you and you are finding every little thing you can to complain about. I am not trying to be harsh but it's a warning because he will eventually get sick of that type of attitude.
Well, this child pays half of all the bills, mortgage, electric, food, everything, from my savings because my teaching position doesn't start for another week. And the kids leave all the lights on, and eat like horses and always come to our come hungry, stating they didn't eat at their mother's house. I have taken his daughter out to buy clothes, get her hair done, her nails done etc. I help his son with reading and greatly encouraged his father to purchase a saxaphone for him and get him started in music lessons. These are things the mother doesn't do for the children at all. I was fully aware of the responsibility I was taking on as a step-parent. I was also willing to wait for the honeymoon because we bought a new mobile home. I wanted the alone time I was promised this week. I wish I was a winey spoiled brat, then perhaps I might have gotten it.
Yeah this just proved my point a bit more....thanks.
I agree with this 100%, sorry.
Thank you for both your empathy and your tact. Yes, I did give him an out because I didn't want him to disappoint the kids. I can get the equipment I need for this activity some other time. As for doing something for myself, I went to the park that is near our home after he left and walked the hills and sat and read a book. Last week when he got his son to go to the gun range, I got my nails done, which is something I don't spend money on, I simply had the ones I got for the wedding filled in.
I am not insecure around his ex, we have spent time at her home for dinners and birthday parties and graduation parties. I am friends with her older, married daughter and we go to the movies and go shopping together. I left my friends and family to start a new life with this man, and three months hasn't been enough time to meet many new people other than my neighbors which are few because we live out in the country.
I make friends easily and once school starts and I get around more people I am confidant I will have a new support system.
My husband returned home and we have already spoken about getting up early tomorrow to hike Pinnacle mountain. I never go off like a firecracker. I just don't have anyone to talk to here, so I thought I'd get some advice from people with unbiased opinions.
Thanks again!
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I'm not entirely sure why magsugar13 feels the need to be so mean. Some people just like to come here and act like bullies. You (and all the other knotties/nesties/bumpies) are entitled to express your feelings and someone can disagree with you without resorting to name-calling. THAT'S what grown-ups do. Anyhoo....
My husband has a large family that is constantly calling us to do something somewhere. It drives me crazy because it eats up most of my Saturdays/Sundays. So I kinda get it.
Sometimes you just don't wanna be in the parade. All the other stuff--the life jacket, the tube, etc--just sound like a side effect from you being annoyed.
Since he is always ready to go hang out with the kids, the ex, the ex's kids, the ex's kids BFs/GFs/spouses and the rest of them, maybe he can go with them himself sometimes while you stay home (unless you want alone time together, then I have no advise for you, I'm still trying to convince my hubby that time together is not the same as time together with 30 other people).
I teach, too. With that school bell getting louder and louder you wanna take all the time you can doing things you want. Ain't nobody getting up at 6:30 unless they have to.
So... you are upset that the two of you don't do water related activities, but then when you're invited to go and do a water related activity you're pissed off because it's not just the two of you. These aren't just his friends that he wants to go with, they are his kids.
And your bit about the boxy orange life jacket makes you sound very high maintenance and childish.
You are going to have a lifetime together, why is alone time such a big deal?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Well, how much time do you spend together? What kind of things do you do together? If you spent the other four days together as planned, this is not a big deal to me. DH and I both frequently have to work on weekends in addition to M-F 9-5. Lots of times we only get Sunday as a full day together and work on the house, go do things with friends, etc. That's kind of how being married is.
I really side eye that you told him to go and have fun then sat home and stewed about it. That's horrible passive aggressive. It sounds like your DH isn't a planner so why not say I'd like to go to Hot Springs, which of these three days works? Then plan it!
Yes, I am upset that we are newlyweds and he told me about all of the wonderful things there are to do here in Arkansas, but we don't do these things together even though I have asked and picked up guides and showed him where I would like to go. Yes, it upset me that I specifically asked to go to a nearby place this weekend, but he chose to go to the river with the kids and his ex. I had on my bathig suit, I packed a bag with bottles of water, snacks, and sunscreen and planned to go. No, Walmart did not have the type of life jacket he said I needed and he said I could get it later. No, I did not want to spend the $32 on a life jacket I was going to have to replace later since I am not working as of yet and money s tight.
A lifetime? OK, I'll be 48 in two months and my husband will be 45 in four months. So I'll just wait around for that lifetime, after all, alone time in a marriage isn't such a big deal is it??
Thank you. We do activities with his kids and his exe's family. This was the first thing that I chose not to attend. You are right, time together is not the same as time together with 30 other people. I think my guy gets it. We did get up at 8:30 this morning to hike a nearby mountain. We comprimised on the time. After next week it will be 6:30 every week day untill next summer rolls around, and by that time I will have been here for a year and hopefully better prepared for a summer together and with the kids. :-)
Thank you. I was married for 10 years and I have been a single parent for the past eight years. My first husband and I owned a business together and it totally consumed him, and our alone time consisted of one vacation a year. One of the things I had in commom with my current husband is that we are both teachers, and we were excited about having summers off together. Some fun dates with him when we don't have the kids is exactly what I am looking for. I didn't think it was too much to ask for, and I hope it still isn't.
You're 48? I'd have pegged you at 22 based on your posts.
It sounds like you had expected to be a 22 year old newlywed without any strings when in fact your got extended family, step children and hangers-on aplenty.
I'm guessing that you compromised over and over and over again in your first marriage and don't plan on being that person again. I suspect you have some lingering issues that you really haven't dealt with. Still expecting a fairy tale when in fact, reality is just....... different.
Please don't act like being in your 40s is knocking at death's door. I'm in my 40s and have a lifetime in front of me.