Family Matters
ejh08278
member
Please visit my blog! re-discoveringhome.blogspot.com
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Advice, please!
I am in desperate need of some unbiased advice (and will do my best to keep this short & sweet).
There are a lot of changes happening at my job and, as such, I feel very ready to leave and pursue another opportunity. My husband & I live about 6 hours from family, and since we have wanted to move closer to them before having children, we decided that now would be the time to start applying to positions. For about 4(ish) weeks, my husband & I have been applying to jobs in the city near our families. One of the jobs I applied to is a part time role that I would LOVE, and that would allow me flexibility when we have children in a year or two. It would also allow me to do other things I love, and because the cost of living is SIGNIFICANTLY less in the "new" city, we'd be able to afford me working part time.
I was called for a phone interview and then was invited for an in-person interview, which I had yesterday. I loved the staff, the environment, and the job very much & would love to take it.
HOWEVER, my husband carries our health insurance at his current job, and it wouldn't make sense for him to quit without another opportunity lined up. He hasn't received any bites (yet), so if I get this job my options are:
1. To live with my family and spend 1/2 the week working and 1/2 the week with my husband until he is hired at a new job.
2. To turn down the opportunity and move to the "new" city with him when he gets a full time job.
The risks are that it could take months for him to find work and living apart is certainly not ideal... OR, that if i turn down this role and he ends up with a job sooner rather than later, I will be kicking myself for turning this opportunity down - especially if I have trouble finding something later.
We are REALLY struggling with this. Either way, we're taking a risk - but which has the better odds?
To add to this, his parents are STRONGLY opposed to us living apart and have said some unkind things about me (to him) regarding how selfish I am being for considering this position at all. The pressure from them concerns me because if I DO take this, I know they will be upset with me, and I do NOT want them to hold a grudge.
Any advice would be SO appreciated...
There are a lot of changes happening at my job and, as such, I feel very ready to leave and pursue another opportunity. My husband & I live about 6 hours from family, and since we have wanted to move closer to them before having children, we decided that now would be the time to start applying to positions. For about 4(ish) weeks, my husband & I have been applying to jobs in the city near our families. One of the jobs I applied to is a part time role that I would LOVE, and that would allow me flexibility when we have children in a year or two. It would also allow me to do other things I love, and because the cost of living is SIGNIFICANTLY less in the "new" city, we'd be able to afford me working part time.
I was called for a phone interview and then was invited for an in-person interview, which I had yesterday. I loved the staff, the environment, and the job very much & would love to take it.
HOWEVER, my husband carries our health insurance at his current job, and it wouldn't make sense for him to quit without another opportunity lined up. He hasn't received any bites (yet), so if I get this job my options are:
1. To live with my family and spend 1/2 the week working and 1/2 the week with my husband until he is hired at a new job.
2. To turn down the opportunity and move to the "new" city with him when he gets a full time job.
The risks are that it could take months for him to find work and living apart is certainly not ideal... OR, that if i turn down this role and he ends up with a job sooner rather than later, I will be kicking myself for turning this opportunity down - especially if I have trouble finding something later.
We are REALLY struggling with this. Either way, we're taking a risk - but which has the better odds?
To add to this, his parents are STRONGLY opposed to us living apart and have said some unkind things about me (to him) regarding how selfish I am being for considering this position at all. The pressure from them concerns me because if I DO take this, I know they will be upset with me, and I do NOT want them to hold a grudge.
Any advice would be SO appreciated...
Please visit my blog! re-discoveringhome.blogspot.com
Re: Advice, please!
Question: Ideally, do you want to work part time RIGHT NOW? or part time when you have children.
It seems to me that you would want to find a full time position and then be able to step down to part time once you're pregnant or have even had the baby, which could be down the line. While I don't agree with your inlaws being so opinionated about this, it doesn't seem worth the seperation to me for a part time job.
I think if you're offered this job you can see if they'll hold the position for you, citing needing to relocate as the reason.
This is really up to you and your husband, especially since there are a lot of factors that would change my mind one way or the other if it were me. Specifically: how hard is it for you to find a job in your field, and how hard is it for him to find a job in his field? If he finds a job and you don't, can you afford to live off just his salary while you look? Can you both sustain the financial/ emotional stress of living separately for half a week- and for how long? Is there a point (after say, six months or a year) where if he didn't find a job, you'd move back and try looking for a job in your area again- and if you couldn't find a job in your area easily again, how big a problem would that be?
What I wouldn't consider are your in-laws objections: it's not excusable for them to be unkind or call you selfish. I know several young married couples living apart because of trouble finding work, and even more people living with their parents far past when they'd like to move out because they can't find jobs that pay enough to sustain them. Of course it's not ideal, but times are tough and you have to do what you have to do.
Good luck in your decision- hope it all works out for you!
DH has considered taking jobs and us living apart for as long as 18 months - and we have kids (one reason we considered it - we wanted the kids to finish the school year before they were uprooted, and one position was a long-term (but not perm) consulting job that would be long and in a place in a place where we did not think it was worthwhile to take the kids out of their current schools.
Anyway.....we have been apart for short stretches, but we were prepared to do it because it worked for our family. Would it have been a sacrifice? Yes. Would it put a strain on our relationship? Probably - although I don't think it would be anything we couldn't handle.
This is a tough economy. You're being offered an opportunity that works for you. Stop worrying about what your ILS think. Ultimately, you and your H have to live your OWN lives, and if they have the power to blackmail you with their "disapproval" you are giving them power over you that they don't deserve. You are in a different marriage than they are, and in different circumstances.
Should you go or not? That I can't answer, but do what works for you and H, not what works for your ILS.
I would take the job.
Quite frankly, this is a no-brainer for me.
EDIT: If this posted twice, I apologize. The Nest is being wonky.
If the job is perfect, take it and figure out how to be married and apart. My sister and BIL did it for a year and a half and while it was tough, it was the right choice for them. They eventually landed back in the same city again and all is well.
The only opinions that matter on this one are yours and your DH's. ILs, friends, co-workers don't get a vote. They can think it is stupid all the want but if it is the right choice for you, then it is the right choice. Period.
"would also allow me to do other things I love, and because the cost of living is SIGNIFICANTLY less in the "new" city, we'd be able to afford me working part time"
I don't know why, but this statement bothers me. Sounds like you're looking forward to the play time while your husband works full time.
When I went to grad school, many couples lived apart. It is definately doable.
Don't give your ILS any power in your relationship. They can dislike your choice, but if your H is on your side, it shouldn't matter. Let him set them straight "wife and I decided this would be the best choice FOR US."
Anything can happen in the future, and if your H can't find a position, or finds a position in a completely different location, you aren't under a contract to stay at the new job!
The OP stated that she planned to have children in the next 1-2 years and that is why she wanted to work Part time. Trust me, "playing with your kids" isn't all fun and games!