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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
NEED SERIOUS Advice!!!!!!
My husband has 3 best friends, I'm good friends with their wives. One of the wives confided in me that her husband has been choking her lately, to the point she has to bang on the walls to try and get help. She saked me not to tell my husband because she does not want her business in the open. I feel that I should say something but she said that if I told my husband she would deny it. I don't know what to do
Re: NEED SERIOUS Advice!!!!!!
She needs to leave her husband. ?She needs to leave her husband immediately. ?Tell her that she can stay with you, give her information about women's shelters, buy her a bus/plane/train ticket, give her the number to a lawyer, pack a bag for her, give her money, whatever. ?Basically do anything to get her out of that situation.
?What would your husband do? ?Admitting that domestic violence is going on is a big step. ?She now needs to take care of herself and get out - no one can do that for her. ?Not your husband, not you.
how sad and scary.
i'm sure this won't be the popular opinion, but i think you need to stay out of it. ?she's already said she'll deny it if it comes up, which i don't doubt. ?and who knows what her husband will do if he finds out she talked to you about it?
i would probably tell my husband, because i wouldn't be able to keep something like that from him, and see what he says.?
How guilty would you feel if he didn't let go and killed her? Do they have kids? In the very least, if they do, call child protective services and then then proceed to get her (and kids) out of the house.
It will only get worse.
My husband would go and get in his behind about it and she doesn't want him to do that. So do I tell my husband.
My fear is that if your husband talks to him, he will take out his anger on her. ?You don't want that.
Tell her about options - let her know that if she wants help, you can give it to her. ?That's really all that you can do. ?Maybe someone who works in a domestic violence field can give you better advice. ??
Wow, what a tough situation. You are an amazing friend.
Here's what I'd do.
I'd ask your friend to meet with you for lunch/coffee whatever.
then have a serious conversation with her.
Tell her you are really worried and concerned. That you really care about her and you want to help her. Ask her if there's anything you can do. Offer to help relocate her, or have her stay with you. See what she says.
If she freaks out and says she doesn't want to do anything, try and convince her otherwise.
I wouldn't do a full on intervention of getting DH involved and calling child services, until i talked to her one more time.
Make the time to talk to her asap, because if hte situation is as bad as you think, every second counts!
This is serious! I would tell my husband, because I just can't keep anything from him. I would try to explain to him that we need to keep it as low as possible and work on preventing it from happening and helping her. I think your husband should not go and try to defend her, beceause like ppl said it might make it worse.
Please discuss with her how bad this can be. If she has reached out for help from her mother-in-law and she didn;t help I just think she needs to wk for herself and get out.
I HATE when ppl say I love them and that's why I don't leave. Someone who loves you would never do these kind of things
I work with a lot of very serious DV cases and have seen very scary outcomes. I don't say that to be scary but just to tell you where I am coming from. In most cases women don't leave, not after the first trip to the hospital, not after the second, not after the kids are taken away. Once a woman has been violated like that by someone she loves and trusts her self esteem is so destroyed she doesn't have the strength to leave. If she was going to leave it would have been at the first physical contact. That didn't happen so now you have to decide what your role is.?
The fact that she can confide in you means she knows this shouldn't be happening and she may want help. You can be supportive and encouraging and give her the options and keep repeating them. She can call the police, depending on the injury to her (and it sounds minimal at this point) it would likely be a?misdemeanor?case where he would likely be required to participate in a year long DV class. They could do therapy, a trial separation, a shelter. ?
As for telling your husband, if he is going to confront the abuser you put him and your family potentially at risk by telling him. Abusers do lash out and if he is hurting his wife there is nothing to stop him from hurting your family as well. If she will listen encourage her to leave if only for a few days to?diffuse?the situation. ?A very large number of DV's do end up in death because they?escalate?from verbal abuse to mild physical abuse to very serious abuse. Chocking is always scarier than hitting because he is exhibiting a total loss of control with her and some desire to scare and hurt her. the problem is that if she would deny it to your husband she probably won't tell the police and then there isn't much that can be done. Try to build her self esteem so that she sees that she ?should leave, and that she deserves to be with someone who would never violate her trust like this.
Good Luck! Sorry this is so long.?
Mommy Esq
What great info!!
Thanks for sharing.
I just read all of these posts to my DH who is a firefighter and works in the ambulance quite a bit. ?He told me he goes to a lot of DV calls, one he told me about was a woman who could barely breathe, her head was extremely swollen and one pupil was blown (which could mean brain injury).
Please just continue talking to your friend and asking her to get help.?
I hope she realizes that there is hope for her and that her husband discontinues hurting her.
Hugs to you in this difficult situation, and prayers for your friend.?
I do no frequent the nest much anymore, but some reason I cannot fall asleep tonight so I am "surfing" the internet tonight (does anyone even say "surfing the internet anymore
"). Anyway, I think you are doing the right thing about speaking up because if something bad was to happen I think you would have thought "if only I would have tried". At this point, all you can do is be supportive and let her know that you are there for her.
On a side note, I briefly looked at your bio and you and I were married on the same day... so now you are coming up to your 5th anniversary.... woohoo