Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
SIL issues. and I have had enough!
Just a heads up this is long but bare with me... DH and I have been married for 3 years but have been dating since I was 15 (I m 28 now) he is the youngest child of 7 4 of those are older sisters. Since the beginning, there have been issues his family is more traditional, and his sisters like his mom are homeakers who have dinner ready for their husbands and take care of their kids. They are great wifes, great mothers but that lifestyle does not fit in with me therefor the difference in views and deff a difference in opinions. To make matters worst they remained friends with my DH ex, who keep in mind they were in highs chool when they broke up but she is the annoying little persistant ex gf who till this day sends my DH parents christmas cards and follows my sister in laws every move on FB. If they insist on being friends with her that is fine, I have made my peace with it and if they need her as a friend they can deffenitely talk to her all they want.
2 years ago, they missed my husbands and I's couples wedding shower/ bachellorete fun night and never told us why. Turns our they went to the ex's wedding shower and lied to us. We later found out (nothing is secret with social media) and my DH was hurt. He asked them why they lied and they said " omg brother dont start with that we can talk to whoever we want" which led my relatively quiet husband to turn around and call them all "assh0le$) and he couldnt beleive his own family would do that to us. I guess one of the sisters got her feelings hurt and told her husband. Her husband then came over to our house and proceeded to tell my husband that he is to never talk to his "wife" like that again.
Now correct me if I am wrong but I do not come in between fights that are among brothers and sisters. Because they will eventually resolve their issues and I would hate for there to be remaining tension with me. Right?
An entire year of awkward hellos we seem to be (okay).
DH and I just purchased a home, and had a few people over. Nothing fancy (not a housewar,ing) just close friends and one of my DH brother and wife we are close to and were a HUGE factor in us getting our home. The sisters caught wind of this and apparently were again hurt they were not invited. They called DH to tell him they wanted to have a brothers and sisters meeting at their parents house and that no significant others are invited.
Am I crazy to think they are being totally rediculous? And think it is a waste of gas for my husband to make the 45 min drive to meet when his sisters feel they are justified in feeling snubbed? when we have let them time and time again do the exact same thing to us?
Re: SIL issues. and I have had enough!
Yes. Yes, you are wrong. It's his family, and he wants to have a relationship with them, or, at the very least, discuss past issues to see if there is one worth saving.
I also have to ask. Are their religious beliefs traditional as well ? Was there going to be drinking at the couple's shower and the bachelorette fun night ? Were you guys planning on going to bars, see a stripper, etc ? If so then maybe they felt like they would be terribly uncomfortable going and would genuinely have more fun going to a friend's wedding shower. Not saying it is right, but as someone who doesn't drink and doesn't enjoy going to bars; I can see where they are coming from too.
There is definitely the potential for that. But, OP, you have to trust that your husband is going to have your back in this if they try to make you the scapegoat for the family's problems. Nonetheless, it is his family and you both should give them the benefit of the doubt AND demonstrate that you are willing to make things right. Furthermore I would encourage your husband to handle it like an adult (i.e. don't call anyone an a$$hole if sh!t indeed hits the fan) so he doesn't play a role in perpetuating this nonsense. If all goes well in this "sibling's meeting" you should also do your part and reach out to your SILs - get a time with just them and you so you can get your issues out on the table as well. Good luck.
Personally I'm torn between you attending or not. However, taking the high road...
Have DH go by himself. When he comes home, let him tell you what he wants to share. DO NOT pick at him for every single minute detail (I'm not saying you will). This won't do anything but potentially hurt your relationship with his family more.
If he comes back and says they blame the two of you for everything, then the two of you need to decide what you want to do.
You can create a rule that unfortunately you either invite all DH's family to your events, or none of them.
1. The sisters are allowed to be friends with anyone of their choosing. Most rational adults I know wouldn't refer to someone they dated when they were 15 as an "ex". Seriously. "Ex" implies a more formally recognized relationship- perhaps cohabiation and shared assets.
2. Is it possible his sisters weren't comfortable with the sort of evening you had planned or that the other bride's date was chosen first? Normally a sibling's future spouse' shower would trump a casual friend's party, but maybe there are extenuating circumstances.
3. If there are 6 other SOs not invited, you aren't snubbed. I would suggest your DH confimr the attendence of the brothers before attending. I had a friend whose husband had a coven of nasty sisters. He insisted on taping these "family meetings" which ended that part of the drama.
I can somehow relate with this whole sister in law issue. I'm in an incredibly different boat/situation but my sister in law is a drama creator. My mil is completely clueless and loves her to death (her son married my sil to make it clear).
Anyways, imo I really think they are being dramatic. There is no reason why they are acting like this unless their between 16-18yrs of age. This is a strong subject for me because I know how much poop they can cause and eventually it takes a toll on you mentally. I think that him meeting with your sil's without any significant other sounds more like it's going to be a "bashing party" rather than getting down to businees and finally resolving all the differences.
Best of luck and hopefully everything works out for the best.
I completely agree with point 1. (the other points are good too, but point 1 FTW)
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
that bit about wasting gas driving 45 minutes just sounds petty.
if no other SOs are invited dont worry about it and yes-he should go. you said yourself earlier in the post that SOs shouldn't get in the way of sibling arguments. take your own advice.
your dh and hs family need to work some things out. let them. he seems to have a good handle on them and from what you've said will get your back if they say anything untrue so, imo, let him go and let it go.
If my sisters called a "siblings meeting" and told me that spouses were not invited, unless it was about caring for sick/elderly parents, I wouldn't bother. Seriously - I don't have to attend any meeting that I didn't plan, no matter who "calls" it.
If the sisters were genuinely interested in resolving issues and moving forward, they would be saying something like "we are unhappy with the way our relationships with each other are moving. We'd like to get together - without spouses - to try and mend our relationships and move forward."
"We are calling a family meeting, and you must attend" is not something someone who wants to work WITH you (vs. dictate TO you) would do.
Well said and I agree!