Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Frustrated!
My husband and I have been married for two years, and it's definitely been a rough two years. Right after our wedding, we moved to a different state, away from all of our friends and family. While we were there, he lost his job and was unemployed for the next nine months. During his period of unemployment, he was very depressed, uncommunicative, and lethargic. We went to counseling to help work through a lot of the emotions and issues that we were both harboring that stemmed from that rough nine months. Things have been some better, but lately I see him slipping back into some of his pre-counseling habits.
We both work full-time, he's in school, and we just bought a house; we're both incredibly busy. I understand that he has a lot on his plate, but I still see him wasting a lot of time. Downtime and relaxation is important, but I find myself resentful of the fact that I'll be busy doing chores or other things around the house, and when I ask for help, he'll tell me he doesn't have time. It would be one thing for him to tell me that if he were doing school work, chores, etc., but usually he's just playing computer games. If he were doing something productive, I wouldn't ask. He tells me that he needs some sort of mindless downtime to keep him sane. My issue is that he spends at least three hours a day doing this but cannot seem to get his chores done. I also do the vast majority of the housework. The chores that he cannot seem to accomplish are loading and unloading the dishwasher and picking up after himself.
This just sets up a dynamic that makes me feel like the parent in a parent-child relationship, which was something we spent countless hours discussing during counseling. How do I get him to see that he needs to complete his to-do list before he spends hours playing on his computer and not after? I would also love to spend hours a day enjoying mindless hobbies, but if I also did, the house would be a mess, we wouldn't eat our meals, and I'd probably get fired from my job. I've tried talking to him about it, but I can't seem to make him see my perspective or reach any sort of compromise. When that happens, I just wind up getting angry. Any advice on how we can remedy this issue? It was an issue when he was unemployed as well, but then I just attributed it to his depression. We don't have children. He wants them eventually, and I don't care if we have them or not. However, I definitely do not want to add children to our lives if it's just going to be more work for me while he still wastes his time. I'm sorry if this seems disjointed and rambling. Help!
Re: Frustrated!
Maybe set up a couple chores for him to do throughout the week. Working full time AND going to school full time is a lot, and my husband is going through the same thing so when he gets the down time, I expect him to take it. If he doesn't, he gets grumpy (understandably). He does a few chores I loathe doing (laundry, and takes care of the trash and kitty litter.) It's not a lot but it's enough to keep me sane.
When we first moved in together, it took a while to figure out what works for us, but now that we have, life is much more peaceful.
Please also keep in mind that nobody should have to be working 24/7. My husband told me a few years back, "Why do I always have to be doing something? Can't I just take a while to kick back?" Sometimes chores have to come after a person's health and happiness.
How messy is your house? Realistically...will the house fall apart if it didnt get mopped that day? Maybe if you let it go a bit more and make it more of a "help" then a "nag", might get you further.
H and I discussed chores when we first moved in together, but quickly realized that it didnt work. H would 'forget' or be 'too tired' all the time. Now I bring it up more as a suggestion of how it would help me and how I would appriciate it if he did something, at whatever time it happens to be. "hey since I made dinner, it would help me a lot if you could clean up the kitchen this evening". and then give him the whole evening to do it on his terms. or "hey I did a lot of cleaning today...if you could just give a quick sweep and mop before we go out that would be awesome"...it usually works for us!
Worth trying a different approach...especially if you don't want to feel like a parent/naggy.
My Blog:Through My Eyes