Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Thanks to everyone who has posted! DH Alcoholic, what do i do?
Hi everyone. I'm having marriage issues as well and I want to thank everyone who has posted with their issues and all the brutally honest responses.
It seems that everyone who is considering divorce has good reason to do so and is asking for support and confirmation.
My husband is an alcoholic and I will not live with it. The question I have is when is it too much? When does it merit divorce? How much will I put up with? The truth is, none of it. I will tolerate none of it. I do not want to spend my life worried about his drinking, worried about when its going to happen again. But I'm terrified of divorce, of being by myself, of starting over and of lossing my chance to have children (I'm 33 and husband is infertile, so idk how much i should take this into account).
Any advice?
Re: Thanks to everyone who has posted! DH Alcoholic, what do i do?
Not sure what sort of advice you're looking for. You say you're done tolerating it, but yet you've been TTC for over a year and are in the middle of an IVF procedure with him?
I understand IF. I've been there. But the desire for children is no reason to stay married to someone. 33 may feel old to you, but you still have plenty of opportunity to be a mom if that's what you want.
The fear of being alone and starting over is no reason either. Do you have a support network close to you? You'll find you're stonger than you think and they can help you with that. So can a counselor.
You may say you won't tolerate it, but until you work up the guts to leave, that's exactly what you're doing.
My advice is to go to Al-Anon tonight. As in immediately, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
Al-Anon are meetings for people whose lives are affected by the drinking of others. Based on your post, you certainly qualify. You are worried about his drinking and it causes you concern. At an Al-Anon meeting, you will hear from other people who are in similar situations. You will also learn the most important lesson - that you can't make him stop drinking. You can't make him sober up or go to AA. You can only control your behavior and your reaction to his drinking...which at the moment is to wring your hands and moan that you are trapped.
And I am going to be brutally honest...you don't sound ready to have a child. To put "having" a child over having a quality marriage in which to bring a child is selfishness of a monumental scale. You are a woman who claims to lack the backbone to walk away from a crappy marriage because you can't face being alone or starting from scratch. What kind of example will that set for your child? And what will happen if you lose your jobs and financiallyhave to start over or your husband gets a terminal illness and dies, leaving you to raise the children alone? If you lack the courage to be alone when it truly is only your skin on the line, you aren't ready to tackle parenthood.
So go to Al-Anon and get yourself into to individual counseling so that you can figure out why you are proceeding with IVF with a man you have no respect for and honestly, whose drinking poses a threat to the happiness of your child's home life as well as their physical well-being.
my exhusband is an alcoholic. I tried to get his parents to intervene, but they just enabled him. so I told him he had to go to rehab. I only promised I would be there when he got back in 30 days, but after that I needed time to sort out what I wanted to do.
I went to al anon meetings that 30 days, and decided that I would give him another chance. we were in counseling every week for over a year before I finally decided that I didn't want to be married to a drunk, dry or otherwise. I left and didn't look back. I walked away from everything. I do not regret it one bit.
good luck to you, do what is right for you as you know by now you will never be as important as his alcohol or his recovery
It is too much when:
His drinking becomes a problem to you and/or him
He is spending too much money on booze
He gets into trouble with the law over his drinking
He has trouble with work because of drinking
He's drinking too much during the day
You are NOT comfortable with the amount of alcohol he is consuming
Go to AA. Bounce this situation you are in off them; ask for a sponsor. And follow his or her advice.
AlAnon is a good idea, too.
Personally, once you're witha drunk that's that --- you say to that person "Pick either the booze or me" and let the person make the choice. If he picks the booze, you know where you stand.
He cannot quit on his own. Unacceptable; AA calls that a "dry drunk." That's somebody who is still an active drinker, "cold turkey" quitting or not, because he or she did not give up alcohol with the help of AA and a sponsor and/or a drug and alcohol counselor.
You are not ancient. YOu've got plenty of time to have kiddoes.
And a drunk is NOT a good father for a child. You will also be predisposing the child to an addiction, thanks to his father being a drunk.
Cut your losses and go -- and then get to a therapist. Learn how NOT to attract addicts and guys with addictive personalities. GL.
Thanks everyone. Again the brutally honest responses are appreciated. Prior to the drinking (or at least before I was aware), we had attended couples counseling. At one point, couples counseling stopped and he was supposed to start seeing an addiction specialist. He never did. He stopped drinking but has had two lapses in the past three months.
I have been going to a therapist but have slacked. Will resume. I haven't attended AlAnon but have joined the SMART Recovery program. It is so involved (all these exercises for me to do and mapping and techniques, which are pointless if the other person isn't working on recovery) and there doesn't seem to be any hopeful stories.
My resolve has wavered but I do need to set boundaries.
I left to a hotel and am taking the week to think.
Smart Recovery has a forum for "significant others." All the stories seem so much worse than anything we've been through but that makes me feel like things would only get worse.
For the person who posted about not trying to conceive while having all these issues, I understand. That is sane and rational advice. The TTC was already in the works and was actually planned much different from how it turned out.
I moved out for the week to think. I still don't know what to do.
He is an alcoholic. He has had two set backs since stopping, each one evening long while I wasn't present. I have to decide whether his good traits are worth the constant worry of him having a relapse, the responsibility of controlling our finances(makes me feels like a controlling b-word), and whether I'm willing to live with the very real possibility of a relapse.
I'm going out of town for the weekend to stay with family and visit with friends.I've been surprised at the support I have had from my friends locally. They were speechless and shocked at first and then, offered me their homes.
Alanon??