Family Matters
vkayse137
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Family Parties
So my f'iance has a huge family and pretty much every other weekend there is a party, birthday, communion,for the little ones.. wedding, bridal showers etc. Whenever we go to the parties he starts talking to everyone else and leaves me alone and whenever I'm ready to go after being there a while, he's never ready to go and keeps talking to his cousins. I don't mind being left alone sometimes, but most of his family members don't make an effort to talk to me, it can be overwhelming. I confront him about it, and he just denies it and turns it arround on me. It really hurts my feelings, and makes me feel unimprtant. Some people may not think it's a big deal, but to me it is because I would never do that to him at my family parties.
Re: Family Parties
I think there are rally two issues here
1. Your DH needs to learn how to include you in conversation and
2. You need to learn to seek others out on your own and not be the wallflower.
For a time frame, why don't you agree on an approximate departure time so you are at least both aware of the others' expectations?
Also, instead of accusing him of being social with his family (um, which is normal), ask him to point you in the direction of people who you have something in common with so you can be sure to find them to chat with. Or why not find the other shy folks in teh crowd and speak to them?
agree with above...definitely pick an end time.
You can also pick and choose which events you attend? Maybe if he goes to a few by himself, he'll miss having you there, and will be more effortful in making them enjoyable for you.
This is a big deal, because it seldom improves with marriage.
This isn't working for you. Every family is different and adjusting to something unlike what one is used to can be a challenge. If you're engaged and spending 2 weekends a month with his family obligations you have a pretty good idea of what's ahead. He doesn't seem solicitous of your feelings in this putting his cousins ahead of you. You feel unimportant because, in the moment, you are relative to whoever else he's with.
Be honest, is your idea of married life spending time this way? Where do you fit in your family/ Your friends? Couple time?
Are you being standoffish because you can't relate to these people. Are you snobbish or timid or would just rather not spend time with these folks? Or are they so large and embedded up each others butts that including you is beyond them. I have couple friends who married into large families where going outside the tribe was discouraged as kids and new partners were never truly included. It didn't go well.
I don't have a large family but I do have a couple difficult individuals who I do not force down my DH's throat. Years of dealing with them has left me pretty resilient to their drama, so I can manage them more easily than DH can. We take two cars, as another suggested. Or I go alone since it's not far for DH to dictate whne I leave if I'm enjoying myself and he isn't.
Yeah, I want to know how long you've been together, and WHY is it that you can't find someone to talk to. Are you shy, or are they not inclusive?
And I fully agree w/ auntie - you need to think long and hard about this. This IS an "issue" in your relationship and it's one to deal w/ now, before you get married. And if it can't be resolved to your satisfaction, think even MORE long and hard about it and determine if this is really how you want to live your life the rest of your life.
Realize this - marriage WILL NOT CHANGE YOUR DH. He won't suddenly start being o.k. w/ not going to every event, he won't stop leaving you alone, etc, all because you're now "his wife". This is who he is and how he is w/ his family. If he won't hear you and won't work with you, figure out if t his is how you want to spend the rest of your life.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I had this problem with a (now ex-) boyfriend. I started refusing to go to parties, telling BF "nobody talks to me, I don't enjoy myself. Go on your own, and have fun." When he realized I wasn't going to attend parties I didn't enjoy "just to be a good girlfriend" he made more of an effort to make sure I had fun at the parties. He promised never to leave my side if that's what it took for me to hang with his friends (his family was wonderful, his friends not so much).
Yes, you should be independent and attempt to speak to people on your own, but it can be difficult at a place where EVERYONE knows each other. Your FI should be introducing you to people, making sure you are comfortable, etc.
I would also add....you don't need to attend every party, even if everyone is super-nice and inclusive. A communion? Yes, that's a huge milestone. A child's birthday party? No so much. Take time to develop your own friendships. If that means that you and your FI do different things on weekends - - so be it. DH and I attend showers, communions, baptisms, etc. for both of our sides, but with the exception of maybe a 1st birthday or sweet 16, would not attend a birthday party.
You have lots of options! Pick and choose the ones you're willing to attend (i.e., don't attend all). Lay some ground rules as to how many you're willing to attend in one month. Set up a time in advance that you will leave by. Drive separately if your H doesn't honor those times. Review the calendar in advance and have your H indicate which ones he'll be inclined to stay at longer than others, and then decide which ones you'll attend. If he wants to go to all of them, negotiate with him to pick and choose only a few for himself, too, so that you're not spending all of your freetime apart.
After you've cut back a bit on these events, schedule some one-on-one time (or time with you and your husband) with some of the family members you'd most like to get to know. An intimate gathering will go a long way toward building a rapport with them outside of the chaos, overstimulation, and distractions of a large group.
This might be due to your taking style and way of representing the feelings or expressions. Changes in your behavior may help you to get your platform.