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Advice Needed - Income Issue
This is such a weird topic to discuss with friends, so I'm really hoping you guys can help give me insight! Thanks 
So my husband is trying to start his own financial advisory practice. Which basically means, he only makes money if he makes a sale/investment of some sort. There is $0 base salary. He decided he wanted a career change (from teaching) just over a year ago, due to the horrible teaching market in our area. He really liked this opportunity to start his own business so, of course, I supported him. I knew it would be difficult with no base salary but I figured we are young, with no kids, if there was ever a time for a career change, this would be it. Right?
Well he has been in the business for right at a year. And he often goes months with no income at all (not for lack of effort, he is working at least 12 hours a day trying to strum up business.) I have a good job and make enough money for us to squeak by most of the time but we have run though our savings and are now living pay check to pay check. I handle all of the book keeping in our household so I really stress about bills getting paid. I'm also really stressed because lately I feel solely responsible for making sure all of the bills are covered. He is a no-stress kind of guy so he doesn't seem to understand why I'm always so worried about it (to him, worrying does no good, just creates more stress.) I really don't want to be the person to tell him he needs to find another job. By all means possible I want him to be able to follow his dreams and do what he loves. But I cannot financially run us into the ground. I just won't let it happen. I don't know what to do next. What can I say to him to make him realize we have a problem? I don't want to make him feel emasculated. I know he wants to take care of us but it just isn't happening. He is getting better and better at his job, so I?m hoping the clients will start coming in soon, but I don?t know how long I can wait it out. The stress is getting overwhelming and I really don?t want it to affect our relationship.
Please help. Any advice or encouragement is so so much appreciated!!
Re: Advice Needed - Income Issue
I really do believe that finances can kill a completely happy marriage. Money is a huge stresser and something I stress about all the time even though DH and I are ok with money right now.
You cannot leave this problem and not talk about it with your H, you have to confront the problem. I understand wanting to support him and wanting him to be happy doing what he likes to do, but at what cost? At the end of the day, the bills come in every month and they need to be paid. You have to sit down and show him the books. A logical man will understand what he needs to do.
Couldn't he still try his business part time but get another job on the side? Try to compromise with him, but without compromising your financial future.
I wish the best for you, but you have to take care of this problem now. It sounds like it will only get worse before it gets any better.
I totally hear you. I'm in a very similar place in my marriage, in that DH was laid off from his job over a year ago and hasn't been able to find a job outside of the restaurant business since because his only experience is in a dying field (he's a media librarian, and technology has replaced people in much of that sector). DH is very laid back and lives by the "we'll just make it happen somehow!" rule. Meanwhile, I manage grant budgets for a living, so you can imagine how that kind of attitude is perceived by me.
This has caused a lot of stress in our marriage - I feel like the weight of our family is entirely on my shoulders, and he gets super defensive because he feels bad about not being able to "provide." Our financial situation prevents us from going to counseling right now, but we're working through it by setting aside some time every few days to sit down and talk about things straight-up. We had to establish some ground rules, and I know it sounds cheesey, but we even printed out some worksheets from The Relationship Institute to help us to communicate about this subject fairly. Seriously, check out therelatonshipinstitute.org. Their resources really are good. And I'm a cynical personality who's been seeing a therapist for eight years, so I'm not one to get enthusiastic about any old "couples exercise."
I think one key thing is to approach the topic as a team. Be careful about saying things that make it seem like he's alone in this, things like, "You need to get a better job," or, "I can't be the only one bringing in the money." Instead, phrase things in a way that shows him that as a married couple, you're in this together. I thought DH would see right through my saying things like, "Let's see if we can come up with some ways to save x amount of dollars each month," but he didn't raise an eyebrow. And what really works, I found, is setting a goal that makes budgeting and money management feel hopeful and optimistic rather than depressing: I kept trying to get DH to sit down and look at our budget with me, and it didn't quite work until I sort of dangled a carrot in front of him - the idea of buying a house. It's something we've daydreamed about for quite some time, and when looking at our budget became all about figuring out what we needed to do to actually afford a down payment and a mortgage and not about figuring out how we were going to keep the electricity on, I had a much happier, motivated husband. Now he had a project to strive for that was something other than tryiing to prove he wasn't a good-for-nothing, you know?
I guess in the end, I've found that it's all about positive communication. And it can take a little while to master that. But just recognize that you're two different people with two different ways of looking at things, and try to respect that. Otherwise, you're going to be butting heads forever.
My husband is a self-employed lawyer and he started his practice the summer we got engaged. It was very stressful for me because I was really afraid of him not having a paycheck - knowing we were going to get engaged - and how that would impact our family finances. First year of our marriage he brought home maybe $500 every other month. I covered all of our bills, carried the benefits, etc. He's doing much better now, but I still have the consistent paycheck and the benefits.
When my husband and I decided he would start the business we put a timeline on when we would next reassess whether it was being successful. That timeline ends at the end of 2013. I refused to just keep hanging on hoping the business would be successful, but having no metric and no timeline.
Have you and your husband ever thought about sitting down with a financial planner or financial advisor (not investment like your husband does, somebody who helps people with budgets, etc)? It might be that your husband needs an outsider to point out that him not drawing a paycheck is having a negative impact on your overall finances now as well as (to a certain degree) impacting your future financial future.
I completely understand what you mean about not wanting to emasculate your husband. But that doesn't mean that he gets carte blanche with your family's finances. I always told my husband that there are certain sacrifices I make in order to allow him to be self-employed. He realized last week (we just had our first child) that I cannot be a stay-at-home-mom (which we would both prefer) because he's self-employed. We cannot afford good private health insurance and other benefits that I carry (such as life insurance). It really hit him hard because he always thought "we'd find a way". We live frugally, but it just isn't going to happen - at least not now. Interestingly enough, he is now open to looking for jobs with a firm. Before he pretty much had every excuse in the book for why he should stay self-employed.
So maybe he needs to look at what are your long-term financial goals (retiring by a certain age, buying a house, having kids, etc) and how him not drawing a paycheck is taking you farther from those goals.
Finances in a marriage are tricky and I wish you the best in getting your family on the same page.
Thank you! I love the idea of a time line!
I am a financial planner, which is probably why it stresses me out so bad. I know how important it is to save. We are still heading in the right direction. We have never been late on any kind of payment and we only have "good debt" (home mortgage and small student loans from college) so we aren't falling into financial ruin just yet. We just don't have enough income to save. I think I'm just stressing a little more right now because I'm not comfortable living pay check to pay check.
We purchased a home two months before his career change so it has been difficult learning to deal with the extra home expenses while on one income.
I do feel better after hearing from you all. I think sometimes it helps to let it out. Thanks ladies for all your input!
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I work as an assistant for a financial advisor (who has been in the business for a long time); however, even he works under a larger Financial Company (John Hancock to be specific)... so he has the support of a huge network of people and other offices. He is technically "self employed" because he has to drum up the business, keep the clients, keep business receipts, etc but like I said, has the support of a Marketing Team, a Compliance/Legal department, other advisors.
Do you think he may want to try that?
From what i've seen the financial advisors either sell some kind of insurance or work for large corporations.
I know... not really helpful but those are some options.
this...oh my gosh this. he needs to find a "house" that he can work under. We are a financial planning firm and his job can be done, but he needs to find a "network" that will aleviate a lot of stress.
Your DH has gone from a teaching position to a sales position? What kind of experience does he have with that?
I'd take a hard look at the business plan. Is it feasible? Is it too optimistic? DOES A BUSINESS PLAN EVEN EXIST?
I would say for any business, a 2 year break even goal should be achievable, but if your husband is going months at a time without making a sale, he's doing it wrong.
Fine to want a change but get experience before striking out on your own, you know?
And don't even get me started on the irony of his running a 'financial advisory practice' and your household struggling to pay bills. Not good advertising.
I think career risk and financial risk are good things overall, better to stretch yourself and get the rewards of the same. But, there must be a checkpoint where the desire for change doesn't jeapordize the present.