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Snowbird Parents
I haven't been on here in forever but I didn't know where else to turn for advice on this. I already know this is going to be long, but I would appreciate some feedback.
My parents are snowbirds and are only back in MI 3-4 months a year, all my siblings, neices/nephews, and I as well as all of my living grandparents (their mothers) and most of my aunts and uncles live in the same county, so they don't have to go all over the place to see everyone. They no longer own a home up here, but usually bring up their motorhome and park it somewhere in town for the few months they are here.
They're retired, they've worked hard all their lives and did a great job in raising us. No one is faulting them for wanting to have some fun or be somewhere warmer during the winter months.
However this is the second summer in a row my mother has spent all summer complaining about EVERYTHING. She's mad because my sister-in-law isn't able to bring my nephews over to where they are staying often, and according to my mother "always us to go to their house." Her and my brother have 2 kids, the older one is highly autistic and doesn't handle loud noises well (my parents have two dogs who never shut up) and the younger one is 18 months.. needless to say they have their hands full and our parents' summer living arrangements aren't necessarily the best to host in this situation. My mom's also mad because the 18 month old, and my other brother's son who is 15 months barely know her or my dad... well obviously they don't if they are so young and my parents are only here a quarter of the year.
These two examples really wouldn't be so much of my problem if my mom didn't complain to me about them all the time. I swear every time I see her I'm hearing about one of these issues or something similar, and how much she misses being in Florida and being around all their friends down there. I kind of feel like saying "Gee thanks! It's great getting to see you to." If I try to politely tell her I don't want to hear about it I'm the one "being so rude."
It just seems like she forgets that we have lives up here year round and she expects that anytime they want to make plans we should drop everything we're doing because "you know, we're only up here for so long!" Yet if one of us say that that time/day/place doesn't work for us, or suggest they come to one of our houses we hear "We didn't retire to have our kids dictate our lives!", "Our lives don't revolve around all of you!", or "You know, we drove 1200 miles, you can come to us!" She also complains that we don't go down there and see them enough.. I'm returning to college and two of my three brothers have young children, none of us have the time or money to travel often (if at all).
Most of the summer I've been the only one that's kept my mouth shut and not told her to stop complaining (she's heard it from my dad's mom, my sister-in-law, and at least one of my aunts on each side that I know of) I finally got fed up today and wrote her an e-mail explaining that while yes, they are retired and can do what they want, doing what they want (i.e. moving 1200 miles away) can sometimes come with consequences such as your toddler grandchildren not recognizing you that well or family not getting to spend as much time with you as you'd like because they have responsibilities here they have to give attention to whether you are in town or not. I'm sure it could have been worded a lot better but I've been bottling it up all summer and she always comes crying to me anytime anyone else has told her the something similar. Of course now I'm one of the bad guys too.
It's not that I don't get how it feels, I've lived in Seattle, Florida, and Ohio all for significant amounts of time. I get what it's like to be so far away from family.. but I also accepted that was part of the reality of living so far away. I just feel like my mom wants to have her cake and eat it too.
I know I can't change how she thinks.. I just don't know how to get some quality time with her while she's here without hearing her constant complaints.
Sorry this was as much of a vent as it was asking for advice... I've just had it pent up inside for too long.
Re: Snowbird Parents
Gah.. didn't realize how crazy long that was... I'll try to cliff notes it.
*parents in MI 3-4 months a year
*mother complains about everything, from people not coming where they are staying to young grandchildren (under 2) not having a good memory of her and my dad
*she constantly talks about "how much better" and "how much more fun" it is at their house in FL
*anyone who says anything about the complaining is the bad guy
*would like to spend time with parents without all the complaining or nagging to go see them in Florida which I (or my siblings) don't have the time/money to do
And this leaves out A LOT but it was the best I could do..
I hope you just wrote the email and didn't send it. I don't think she's going to have an ah-ha! moment when she reads it, just more proof that you're rude, the world is against her and she's still right.
She sounds pretty selfish and self-absorbed. Maybe that comes with retirement or maybe she's always been like that. In her mind she's perfectly justified in all of her expectations. You're looking for a way to change her - and you can't.
Just do what's right in your heart and take the hit at being called "selfish" or "rude" or whatever else she uses to shut you up. If you don't want to hear her complaints learn the phrase, "Oh mom, I am completely confident you can work this out with SIL/sister, I am of NO USE to you to get involved. Good luck with that. I have to run. Bye."
Oh I did.. and I know I probably shouldn't have, because like I said now I'm one of the bad guys too.
I was just so frustrated, and I guess I was hoping it might be different coming from me...to go a little further into family dynamics I'm her only bio-child and my dad is actually my step-father but he's the only "dad" I have (as an adult I've even had my last name legally changed from my bio-father's to my parents') and my brothers have never treated me as the "step-sibling" although they do still have a relationship with their bio-mom.... but my mom has always said my brothers were "out to get her" from the day her and my dad got married (13 years ago).
Ok, well the step-family dynamic brings a little more into that, too. BILs kids already have a grandma (possibly one that they see year-round?) - your mom is just going to have to accept that because of that special relationship, she is going to have to work a little harder.
Maybe say "mom, you're so clever, I know you'll find a solution to your problems!" and walk away. Every time. You don't HAVE to listen to her.
Another idea, although it is a bit cruel......"mom, do you realize you keep saying the same thing over and over and over again? Have you been tested for dementia?" Maybe she doesn't care if you think she's annoying, but she'll care if you think she has altzherimer's.
She and my dad actually strive REALLY hard not to fall into this trap.
Heck, I get a week off at Christmas every year (we have to - our office closes) and even in that one week, I start thinking everyone has off and everyone should be able to play with me!
My IL's HAVE succumbed to this, and it's maddening.
OP - my advice is to not get pissed at her complaints, but address her complaints. "They never bring the kids to us" - "well, mom, you do realize that w/ __ being autistic, being around your dogs is very hard for them?". Or w/ the kids hardly knowing them - "I know it's difficult mom, but for kids that young, it's going to be more difficult for them to be close to people who they dont' see often. Heck, their memories are still developing and a 15 month old isn't going to necessarily remember people he met 9 months ago. However, as they get older, you may start to see this change. I would just suggest that tthe months you're away, try to find ways to stay in touch w/ them to keep you on their radar.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Honestly, I don't think there is anything you can say or do that will make much of a difference. H's parents are the same way - both retired and although they do own a house 30 minutes away from us, they spend 6 months of the year (the summer) up north at thier cabin. In the winter when they are around they expect us to drop everything to see them. H is an only child so I understand wanting to see us, but if we say no or suggest another time, it gets put onto us that "we dont have time for them when they are hardly here" and that "we are unappriciative of all they do for us" ( which is throw money at us since they have more money then us or my parents - very much appriciated, but doesn't buy our time).
So advice? Just make sure you make enough time for them that they don't feel completely unwanted when they are around, but don't stress about not having an abundance of time to give them (even if they expect it...be clear with them how much time you can spend with them any given week). As far as complaining about your siblings...tell her that you can understand why she might feel that way, but that she really needs to talk ______ about it, that you don't feel right gossiping.
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Honestly I think it's a good idea to get that out and known to your mom. She may not have that ah-ha moment but you have a right to express how you feel. It's better to be honest with people you love then bottle up your emotions and have that turn into resentment.
I have tons of things that I resent my mom for and I just can't bring myself to say them. Not because I don't want to but because I am too afraid of what will happen. So kudos to you for having the guts to do it.