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How to handle working and parenting?
Serious advice needed - if you know anyone who can relate, pass this request on.
My situation: I travel extensively overnight for work; travel is a req' of the job. Hubby is local truck driver who has to start work at 5:00am.
I do not have family that can help, we are on our own. I make a good living at my current jov. Changing jobs to a non-travel position would mean at least a 30% pay cut and more strain on finances to pay for FT childcare. The hubby (and I do not blame him) will not quit his job to be a stay-at-home parent. So with his schedule the decision whether or not to have kids rests on my shoulders with necessary change in careers/employers to do so.
Are kids worth it? Yes. BUT will having them make me happy with what I have to sacrifice? I really do not know. The topic already depresses the heck out of me. Most people I have talked to have the reverse situation - he travels and the wife deals with it all and people are okay with that - reverse it and I get the reaction that I am a monster almost for not leaping at the chance to sacrifice to have kids because that is what mothers do is sacrifice everything, the price of parenthood that everyone has to pay.......which I hate being told because it is so yesterday/sexist.
I need anyone's advice on how they have raised a family in this situation.
Re: How to handle working and parenting?
it sounds like you've pretty much made up your mind already and are just looking for someone to reassure your decision. if both of you wanted children there would likely be more of an effort to figure out how to make it work, at least that's how i see it.
daycares (from what i can tell, from those i've spoken with, looked in to, etc) don't open until at least 5:30am. so with your current situation you would probably need to consider a nanny.
i see nothing wrong with you wanting to keep your current position and the travel that comes with it. however, in those that have relationships like that one spouse does need to be a bit more flexible and able to take care of the kids. if your DH isn't willing to do that, then i go back to the feeling that both of you have really made up your minds to not have kids and just want someone else to back that up. it isn't that YOU have to sacrifice everything, but collectively you and your DH have to make sacrifices. it doesn't sound like either of you really care to do that, and that's just fine. nobody said that you HAD to have kids.
Can your husband work a different shift?
I have a kid and I'm glad I have him. But I am one of those people who would have been fine either way.
He could but that is the evening shift.
A nanny would be the one solution. I love the idea of kids and have not made up my mind on "no." He says that it is my decision - since I am the one who has to give up stuff - which I hate to the hilt when he says that. I am willing to give. But honestly not willing to give everything when I feel like he wont be giving up barely anything.
I hate feeling alone, like there is no one else that relate.
I think it is a very personal decision. I also think that your husband needs to be able to meet you in the middle somewhere or else it will never work. If he is unwilling to change jobs or hours, it isn't going to work. I never traveled but I did work long arse hours(most days 8am-9pm) and my husband has a really wonky schedule (either 11-7 or 1-10).
We don't have kids because well, the time was never right. At this point eventhough I work a normal schedule no, I don't know if we will. Do I feel like we are missing anything, sometimes. But it works for us.
No one can give you the answer. You have to decide if you are willing to sacrifice the time with your children or your job. I grew up with a dad who traveled a lot when I was younger and when I was in high school worked 8am-9pm most days and 6 days a week. But my mom got to stay home with the 6 of us. It was a sacrifice they decided to make. They also moved 5 times in their first 6 years of marriage, every time to a different state. But, it worked for our family. I am very close to my parents and I greatly appreciate all their sacrifices to make our life really good.
ETA: Just to clarify my first paragraph, having kids means change in your life. And you both have to be on board. My husband has said it is my "choice" but he meant that he was fine either way, with or without kids. While he may not have to change jobs or hours, priority shift when you are responsible for someone else.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I would be very hesitant to have kids with a husband with this attitude. This is a bigger problem than any work schedule.
i just wanted to support that a traveling parent can work out and not be a huge issue.
my dad is an airline pilot, so he's gone at least 3 days/week. sometimes he would have to do back to back 2 or 3 day trips if he was trying to bank hours for something so that he could be home over a holiday or special event. my mom did not work and took care of my sisters and i-there were 3 of us total. none of us were high maintenance, but there were 3 of us and my younger sisters are close in age. i know that it wasn't always easy for my mom, and she recalls many times when as soon as my dad would come home from a trip she would grab her purse and go for a long drive or out to do something, because 3 straight days with 3 kids and no help or other adults would grate on her. but she survived just fine because my dad is still an airline pilot and she didn't go back to work until my sisters were in HS.
none of us grew apart from dad, even though he was gone on a consistent basis. i have some pretty fond memories of all of us piling on to my parents bed with mom while dad unpacked his suitcase, changed his clothes, etc.
now, it probably helped that my dad wasn't going in to an office in addition to being out of town. so he was home the rest of the time with all of us. that is different from a parent that has a FT office job that travels in addition.
i agree with pp though-it's something that you and your DH need to be on the same page about. and if you're the only one that is going to make sacrifices-will that cause some resentment to build against your DH for not being willing to make some sacrifices himself?
The first question you need to ask each other is whether you will be sad in ten or twenty or thirty years if you don?t have kids. You have to figure out how important it is to you to have kids.
A good friend of mine works a demanding job with an hour long commute and a lot of travel, but she and her husband REALLY wanted kids. So they worked together to figure out what sacrifices they were willing to make together and separately in order for a baby to work in their lives. Finding balance and a routine that works for your family is hard (and it changes every 6-12 months), but it is worth the work when you really want children in your life. Having kids will change your priorities. Not saying that is a good thing or a bad thing?it?s just the truth. :-)
I traveled about once a month (or more) for the first year of my daughter?s life. It was doable, but it meant that my husband had to have the flexibility to do all daycare drop-off and pick-up. In a situation like yours, if your husband?s hours can?t change or be flexible, then I think a nanny is your best option to ensure that you have coverage when you need it.
Parenting involves sacrifice. For the first year it means sacrificing A LOT of time. As the kids get older the time sacrifice lessens and changes.
As a parenting team, mom and dad make choices about what to sacrifice. The problem comes when other people try to tell you what you HAVE to sacrifice. No one should tell you that you have to change jobs or that your husband has to change his hours. He and you will have to decide as a team how you will handle the challenges of parenting and fit the needs of a baby/child/kid into your life. Sometimes the choices are more complicated, but as long as the two of you are happy with the decisions you make as a team, I?m sure you?ll be a happy family!
I think most importantly, you need to have more conversations with your DH and make sure you are on the same page - it is definitely not a decision that should rest on your shoulders. Even if his job situation wouldn't change or if he is fine with whatever you want, this is a decision that you both need to participate in making.
Work travel with kids can definitely be a challenge, but it's certainly doable. As Amy mentioned, if your DH's schedule is not flexible, then a nanny might work best for you. Whether it's doing daycare drop off/pick up or whether your child is sick, there does need to be some flexibility there in order to be available when needed.
Parenting is a lot of work and requires change - really only you can determine what changes you are willing to make. I have friends in so many different situations when it comes to kids/no kids/family/work/travel/etc. We all just make the decisions that work for us. It's not always easy, but sometimes it takes a big effort to figure out what it really is that you want.
this. Unless you want to resent him for the rest of your life for not sacrificing as much as you will, then don't have kids. B/c its hard and its even harder when you have to do all the work.
How time flies! Caileigh (9), Keira (6) & Eamon (3)
I want to add one thing. Even though it was hard to travel when we had a baby, it was an awesome thing for my husband's confidence as a dad. Parenting solo for 24-48 hours straight forced him to figure out his own ways to put baby to sleep, feed, calm, etc, instead of deferring to me when the child was fussy or challenging.
And the ability to sleep in a hotel room without interruption once a month was awesome for me.
Everyone gave such good advice, and I echo it. It is something you need to work on TOGETHER, and figure out how a child will fit in your life. Otherwise you'll end up resenting each other, or the kid, or both.
Talk talk talk talk! You may even have to work it all out on paper with lists and a "contract" of sorts so that you know who's giving/doing what. This also may make it easier to negotiate if he can see the changes you're willing to/have to make. And you may be surprised at what he'll have to change/give up. You both need to see where the other is coming from and agree that a child will fit into your life, and that you're willing to make the necessary changes as a couple.
Also, I wouldn't underestimate the shift in priorities that a child brings. All of the sudden you may find it harder to travel for your work when it means leaving a little one at home. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job, and yet, some time's its hard to want to go, whether just to the office or away overnight. (Not saying that its not good to get away sometimes...but it is harder than I thought it would be...and I generally don't get to sleep when I'm away...when I travel I go with Middle and High Schoolers!) And I'm not trying to be sexist. DH also loves/is very devoted to his job...and he's found it a lot harder to be willing to work the long hours/travel knowing his baby is growing so fast.
Finally, is this something you have to decide right now? It sounds as though for now you're happy where you are, and he's happy where he is. The question is will you always be happy without kids. Does your age/situation allow you to shelve the idea for 6 months or a year or two? It may be hard to imagine, but plans change, priorities change, and goals change. In 18 months you may find you're willing to give up some travel...or forces outside of yourselves may dictate a change in his schedule. Things can change pretty fast!
Try not to rush into anything that you don't feel at least a little bit ready for (you can never be TOTALLY ready)...and try not to plan too specifically and take one day at a time...I'm always surprised at the curves life can throw!
Good luck!