Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sister in law problem
About 2 months ago my SIL sent out a group text to me her sister and other brother. She knows my husband does not read all his texts so thats why I got one. It said that their dads 70th Bday was comming up this year and she asked if we all might want to do a joint gift, and to let her know what our thoughts were. At that time my husband (her brother) and I discussed what we could afford and decided on $100 but it was never brought up again by the SIL and we never replied to her text. I thought she would bring it up when I saw her next, but she never did. Then 2 months later I get another group text saying that each sibling (of which there are 4) needs to put in $300. To help compinsated for a cruise the parents already booked. My husband was stunned and so was I because that is not something we can afford to do so he called his siblings to get there views. It sounds like the sisters talked about it but did not consult the others. She sent me a text after my husband told her we couldn't do that much saying fine, we could do our own thing she would take our name off the gift and to remember what her parents do for us. Never mind that it is her parents that offer us things and that I am the one in the family how takes care of the house and mail when they go away on trips. She was upset with me and felt it was me who made this decision not to contribute 300. . Unlike her I comunicate with my husband on big ticket things. Nor does she understand that we have debt, and christmas and prop taxes and a minor child to fly home for xmas. I am very conservitave with my money and 300 would cover any of those things I mentioned. I know my inlaws do not need money and would not what us to do anything that would put us in a bind. My husband is wanting to cave to his sister now so to keep harmoney, but I just cannot on this cuz I know her dad doesn't care if we give him $300 or$30. It should be thought and consideration that matters. My SIL makes as much as me and my husband put togere plus her husband has a generous salery.
Re: Sister in law problem
Why didn't you reply to the text and why didn't YOU all bring it up if it was on your minds? This all sounds very passive aggressive. Your DH "doesn't read all his texts"??? What does that even mean? Then YOU have to communicate w/ her, not your DH?
Your DH needs to grow some balls, start reading his texts, and start communicating w/ his family.
And NOW, after he's let this all fall to you, he wants to cave to his sister.
Good grief. He basically puts you in the role of bad guy, then he comes in and gives his sister what he wants. Great dynamic you have going there.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think that $100 would be a very generous gift on it's own - a nice gift card to a restaurant, for example. Personally, I find it odd to "contribute towards a cruise that they have already booked." Unless that money buys an upgrade, it just seems like a gift without a lot of thought attached.
I do agree that you are/were very passive, and by now you should know how the SIL is. Why not text back "what were you thinking of spending?" or "we would love to give $100 towards a group gift."
F--k her for saying "remember all our parents do for you." It's not her job to manage your relationship.
Do you're own gift to FIL's 70th birthday. If its not okay to put $100 torward a trip they already booked, then SIL screwed up here, not you.
Don't let other people spend your money.
I do not think it is my job to discuss this with her, and that is why my husband was calling his siblings to discuss it. If this was so important to her she should have been calling people directly NOT texting. If you have something important to say dont text. make sure you TALK to people. Texting has taken away common courtesy. This was between my husband and his siblings. She had no business sending only me that nasty text. She thought that by sending it to me I would be my normal "want to please people self" and change my stance. But I am not this time.
Thanks Suebear. Thats what I was thinking. He enjoys a nice bottle of Port so I did some research and can get him a #1 ranked bottle for around $100.
And Dallas I agree with this not seeming very thoughtful of her to comensate for a trip that was already purchased. She really doesnt put thought into gifts. she throws money at people and thats how she shows feeling.
Putting aside the fact you think calling is better than texting, you could have at least responded to the text saying $100 works for you guys or even pick up the phone yourself and calling her! She was at least trying to include everyone and start the conversation going. Not responding in any way was absolutely rude imo!
As for assuming that $300 would work for everyone...that was plain stupid. She shouldn't have done that. I don't even spend $300 on anybody's gift myself.
Maybe for future gifts you and your dh should tell your sil that you'd rather do gifting on your own and not make it a group thing.
you're all at fault here. you and dh for not responding in ANY way and her for assuming you were ok with $300.
it doesn't matter if you get their mail etc... that has no bearing on the birthday present or what you can contribute. give him the bottle of port and wish him a happy birthday. BTW i think contributing to a cruise they already booked is cheesy.
It was a text. You didn't respond. This doesn't really qualify as a mistake in my mind (much less one justifying a $300 "penalty"). In fact, it's pretty par for the course when it comes to texts. Thus, when something is important, a phone call or email is sufficient. And if you need an immediate response - a phone call.
Your SIL is flat out wrong on two counts: 1) you NEVER make decisions about someone else's money. It doesn't matter if it's a quarter or $100 (much less $300) and it certainly doesn't matter how much someone makes or who does what for whom. 2) The nasty, aggressive text was obviously intended to manipulate you into changing your mind. If it were me, I'd give her a phone call just to show her I wasn't afraid to respond. You don't even have to say anything confrontational, just firmly state that you and your H made a decision about a gift on your own and while you appreciate her offer, it's not feasible. Maybe also mention that you were surprised she felt the need to contact you after getting the same message from your husband and to also bring up the great relationship you have with your in-laws b/c - beyond it being a blessing - you don't know what it has to do with her (your SIL).
First off, no one ever said that because they didn't respond they deserved a $300 penalty.
Secondly, a text deserves a response! They made the mistake of not responding! It was plain rude! In todays day and age a text works just as well as a call or an email. Either way they should have responded and not have to make the sil plan and figure it out on her own. At least she was trying to plan something for the parents!