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MIL's Unwanted Gift
My MIL came to visit my husband and I recently, and while she was there she commented on our lack of a kitchen/dining room table. We pointed out that we don't have a dining room, and we told her that we chose not to have a kitchen table because it would make the kitchen feel very cramped and that the island in the kitchen serves as an excellent table when necessary. Also, it would be one more thing to clean around!
Imagine my surprise when my husband and I received a dining set for our joint-birthday present. It doesn't match our kitchen and would make the space feel very tight. When she asked how we liked it (it was delivered) I told her that I wasn't sure we would have room for it; her suggestion was to put it in the den! I tried to make gentle comments about how we didn't think we could make it work, and I thought that would be the end of it.
She texted me yesterday to ask if we'd gotten it set up yet, and I had to tell her (as gently as possible and with many thanks and appreciation for her thoughtfulness) that we weren't going to be using it. She immediately texted my husband and said that she was just trying to help and that I was far too picky and she just won't buy us anything ever again. She also demanded the table back so that she could sell it to a friend of hers. I really like my MIL, and it really upsets me that she's mad at me about this. I don't think I was out of line in refusing unwanted and unneeded furniture for my home, so I don't think I need to apologize for anything. My husband suggested keeping the table and sending her a check to cover the cost and then some, which I'm fine with. What can I do (short of putting the table up!) that will smooth this over? Or just give her time to get over it herself?
Re: MIL's Unwanted Gift
she's clearly pissed. your DH needs to talk to her about this-not you. and the 3 of you need to STOP TEXTING!!!!
and no-i dont think you're doing the wrong thing. you told her, she chose to totally go against what you said and sent you something that can't be returned. so let her act like a brat and say she'll never buy you anything again-you wont ever have an issue again like this will you?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sounds like you were giving her a message she didn't want to hear or that she thought you were just being polite and humble about not wanting a table. Considering that you really did all you could to communicate kindly and honestly with her, I would suggest your H talk to her. He can just remind her that you had both attempted as much as possible to be honest with her about the issue, but she didn't seem to hear it for whatever reason. I think that message is very important in preventing another issue like this.
As for what to do with the table - if you like it and can store it somewhere - keep it. Tell her thank you, it will be very useful, but for now you have to store it. If you don't like it, then take her up on her offer to sell it to her friend or return it and give her the money back. If you keep the table and pay for it (plus some), you'll be sending the message that what you say isn't what you mean and you might find yourself with several unwanted items around the house (just imagine when she downsizes and is looking to get rid of "family heirlooms"...)
Send it back.
You told her that you did not want/need/have room for it and SHE chose not to listen to you.
However, your DH needs to balls up and have talk with her too. You do not PAY someone off for a gift, especially when you specifically said you did not want it. SHE took the financial onus on when SHE over road YOUR decision.
THis was well intended but not a good idea.
What she should have done: NOTHING.
And left it at that.
And maybe left the door open that she'd kick in for some of the furniture, when you guys were ready.
I don't understand why you would do this. It was a gift, right? So, now you're going to pay for a gift you didn't want, don't like, and aren't even keeping? Happy Birthday, you're in the hole.
Ugh, this is DH's family and I hate that shizz. It's one thing if you like and want it, but to keep things just to keep things, why should I have to deal with bad tastes and trends of the ones who came before us? No, thank you.
omg...I am dealing with this nonsense right now with my inlaws. we just moved into a house and they keep trying to unload all of this very old, very sh!tty, very ugly musty smelling furniture. I have told them repeatedly no - for example, my MIL keeps asking me if I want these 'very nice curtains' for our house. I have told her seriously 5 times already no and she doesn't get the message. There is also this table that they wanted us to take - twice they asked and then the day we moved, they asked again and I said no. They came by the house last week and my MIL informs me that she 'fixed the table' and it now looks 'brand new' so next time she will bring it. I told her - again - no. If she shows up with that thing, it's going straight into the garbage. Soooooooo annoying....
We're building and moving into our new home next week. Before we started, I made it clear to DH and ensured we were on the same page that a room would stay empty before being filled with hand-me-downs we didn't want, need, or like. Thankfully, he agreed.
Yea, my H & I agree on a lot of things but the minute his parents insist on stuff, he sometimes will cave even after we initially agreed on something. He's gotten much much better in the 10 years I've known him, but he still struggles with this stuff from time to time. There's this certain mentality that romanians/armenians have where the kids are supposed to just do whatever the parents tell them no matter how old they are (mind you, we are both in our late 30s). Then things like furniture, clothes, etc - you are supposed to just take whatever they give you, no arguments or questions asked. I've told them both no repeatedly....and if they wind up bringing any of this stuff to our house that I do not like, I am putting in the garbage. And I'm not going to feel bad because I have told them no, so not my problem if they do not want to listen. It is my home - not a junk yard for their used, falling apart stuff. We actually had a huge liquor/china cabinet that they insisted we take for our last apartment that completely fell apart...when we were moving to the house, they kept insisting that we keep it and I said no - I mean, the drawers were completely falling apart, unusable, and there was no way to fix them. The cabinet was from like the 60s or something. I pointed it out to them so they could see with their own eyes that the thing was broken and they still insisted that it was perfectly good strong cabinet. So yea, it's a constant battle with them...I do my best to be nice about it because I know they mean well, but I am firm when I tell them no.
ME, TOO! XD Except it's *my* parents. Over the last 10 years, I've gone through their junk 100x, sorted it out, and picked what I want (which is maybe 1% of all of it). When I go back, they've mixed it all up and want me to go through again. After 2 rotations, I told them I wasn't going through it again. Now everytime they come to visit, they fill their car to the brim with their junk and drop it off at my house. When they showed up the second time, I told them to take it directly to the trash b/c they weren't allowed to bring it in my house. Never leave your parents with keys to your place. Now I have junk piled up under desks, in the corners of rooms, and my once spacious closet is disorganized and full.
But thank God I have a set of gloves that count 1-10 on each finger and my mom's old potpourri circa 1978.
This made me lol
Parents - most of them mean well, but sometimes the words 'no thanks' does not register with them.
Whatever you do don't pay her back plus extra for a gift you specifically told her you didn't want! That's just stupid. Did you & your H both hit your heads really hard? Geez.
Your H needs to tell his mom that jointly you both decided a table doesn't work for you right now. Either keep it in storage for later when you'll have room or give it back to your MIL.
If she wants to be upset and never give you another present, let her. She's a big baby. Do not reward her by apologizing or paying her for the table! Seriously.
Nope nope nope. Terrible idea. Look your husband has to make you and your feelings more of a priority than his mommy. Trust me, if it works this time, just imagine what she will be like when you have a baby and she decides she has a say in how the nursery is decorated.
Your husband also has to come to terms with the fact that his mom is going to be upset with him sometimes and that is ok. The world won't explode if her feelings are hurt.
Tell her thank you for her generous gift but it simply won't work at your home and send it back. That is all you can do.
Why aren't you returing it to the store that delivered it?
Anything other than a simple return seems overly complicated.
I thought about returning it and using the money towards something that we really need (and have room for!) like a desk or a TV stand. Turns out that she got the dining set on super-duper clearance from the place she works, and part of the discount was because the box was barely holding the parts together. Scratch and ding special, I guess. The place she works is about an hour away from us, so we'd have to haul it all the way up there, and there's no sure bet that they'd take it back in that condition. Plus, she wants it back- so whatever!
Everyone else, thanks for chipping in! I thought the check would smooth things over, but I see that you're right and it just opens the door for future issues. H will have to tell her that she's going to have to live with the fact that we don't want her stupid table.
LOL @ stupid table.
You should not be responsible or feel obligated to pay for something that you specifically told her that you did not want. That just reinforces her very rude behavior. It is not your problem that she chooses not to listen when you tell her no...what a silly silly woman your MIL is. But don't worry, you are not the only one with a silly MIL
Glad you are giving it back! I agree with PP and absolutely do not give her any money.
you should see her in person together and say "MIL, I'm so sorry we hurt your feelings, we appreciated you getting us such a generous gift that you thought we needed, and we tried to think of a way to make it work...but when you asked, I didn't want to lie to you, I always want to feel like I can be honest with you...and honestly, the set doesn't work for this house...we could store it until we are able to use it but I think that would be wasting your money"
So she'll actually profit off of this? Just give her the darn thing back if you won't use it anytime soon. She's determined to be offended, so I wouldn't go to any great lengths to smooth it over. Just be polite, but firm.