How would you react?

drillerswife

(Or how do you think you'd react) if your H told you you'd "let yourself go" and he wasn't physically attracted to you anymore?

What advice would you give a friend who was in this situation?  Assuming she asked for advice, of course.

BlinkingLight1

Has she let herself go? 

I'm sure my opinion isn't popular, but I think it's important to look good for your husband. I want H to be attracted to me and vice versa. If the friend's H is just being an ass and she hasn't let herself go... that's one thing and obviously his issue. However if she's gained 50 pounds since their wedding I think his concerns are legitimate and it would benefit them to sit down and have a calm, rational talk about it.  

drillerswife

BlinkingLight1:

Has she let herself go? 

I'm sure my opinion isn't popular, but I think it's important to look good for your husband. I want H to be attracted to me and vice versa. If the friend's H is just being an ass and she hasn't let herself go... that's one thing and obviously his issue. However if she's gained 50 pounds since their wedding I think his concerns are legitimate and it would benefit them to sit down and have a calm, rational talk about it.  

She's gained weight (~40 lbs) since they got married (7 yrs ago) and had two kids in two years (her youngest is 10 months).  She told me she's always had weight issues and was plus-sized when they got married, FWIW. She's a heavy girl, but not grossly obese or anything, and she dresses cute, wears makeup, fixes her hair, etc.  I've never seen her H so idk if he's let himself go or not

  

I get what you're saying----I think it's important to look good for DH, but I also want to look good for myself.  

+buttercup+

I think it would depend on the delivery. If the words "I'm not attracted to you anymore" came out of DH's mouth I would be extremely hurt. DH and I have both probably gained about 50 pounds since we got married. We've had non hurtful conversations about needing to lose weight and be healthy but attraction hasn't ever come up. 

 I agree with what's been said about wanting to look good for your husband. But I think there's more to letting yourself go than just gaining weight. If she doesn't bother fixing her hair and makeup and is running around in sweat pants then  I can see his point. Is the friend interested/motivated to lose the weight?

drillerswife

+buttercup+:

I think it would depend on the delivery. If the words "I'm not attracted to you anymore" came out of DH's mouth I would be extremely hurt. DH and I have both probably gained about 50 pounds since we got married. We've had non hurtful conversations about needing to lose weight and be healthy but attraction hasn't ever come up. 

 I agree with what's been said about wanting to look good for your husband. But I think there's more to letting yourself go than just gaining weight. If she doesn't bother fixing her hair and makeup and is running around in sweat pants then  I can see his point. Is the friend interested/motivated to lose the weight?

My thoughts exactly---I would be so hurt if DH said that to me.  You just can't take that back and I feel like being attracted to your spouse involves so much more than just the physical attraction.   I also think there's more to letting yourself go than just gaining weight.

She is interested in losing weight, and she seems to be motivated.  She just started WW so we've been checking in with each other, keeping each other accountable, comparing notes, etc. and she texted me this weekend when she was heading to the gym.  I do hope she's doing it for herself too, and not just because her H wants her to look better/more attractive.

BoyMom21

If she's trying and he's still being an ass about it, I'd probably tell him to fuucck off.  If she's continuing to put on weight despite his comment and doesn't care to change anything, I'd still probably tell him to fuucck off.  Everyone I know has had weight fluctuations.  As long as she's within normal ranges and healthy, he should be supportive. Telling someone they're not attractive to them anymore and that they've "let themselves go" is a fast way to lose a spouse, in my opinion.  If he were to say "let's go on a walk every night this week" or offer her support, then she should probably be more motivated to look good for herself. Not solely for him.  I HATE guys that do this.  Be nice, dicckkhead!

WendyToo

BoyMom21:

If she's trying and he's still being an ass about it, I'd probably tell him to fuucck off.  If she's continuing to put on weight despite his comment and doesn't care to change anything, I'd still probably tell him to fuucck off.  Everyone I know has had weight fluctuations.  As long as she's within normal ranges and healthy, he should be supportive. Telling someone they're not attractive to them anymore and that they've "let themselves go" is a fast way to lose a spouse, in my opinion.  If he were to say "let's go on a walk every night this week" or offer her support, then she should probably be more motivated to look good for herself. Not solely for him.  I HATE guys that do this.  Be nice, dicckkhead!

Yep. I'm not buying for a second that 'you've let yourself go' and 'I'm not attracted to you anymore' comes from a place of concern and support. It's selfish (his needs and desires are the focus here), hurtful (no explanation needed), and demeaning. 

If you feel less attracted to your spouse, you don't fukcing say it. That can only hurt them. Even if it bullies them into changing something for you, they'll always second guess whether they look good enough for you or if you're dissatisfied with them. It creates an unhealthy inequality in the relationship. 

pineneedles

WendyToo:

BoyMom21:

If she's trying and he's still being an ass about it, I'd probably tell him to fuucck off.  If she's continuing to put on weight despite his comment and doesn't care to change anything, I'd still probably tell him to fuucck off.  Everyone I know has had weight fluctuations.  As long as she's within normal ranges and healthy, he should be supportive. Telling someone they're not attractive to them anymore and that they've "let themselves go" is a fast way to lose a spouse, in my opinion.  If he were to say "let's go on a walk every night this week" or offer her support, then she should probably be more motivated to look good for herself. Not solely for him.  I HATE guys that do this.  Be nice, dicckkhead!

Yep. I'm not buying for a second that 'you've let yourself go' and 'I'm not attracted to you anymore' comes from a place of concern and support. It's selfish (his needs and desires are the focus here), hurtful (no explanation needed), and demeaning. 

If you feel less attracted to your spouse, you don't fukcing say it. That can only hurt them. Even if it bullies them into changing something for you, they'll always second guess whether they look good enough for you or if you're dissatisfied with them. It creates an unhealthy inequality in the relationship. 

I very much agree with this, and with what Boymom said. He's being cruel and unkind. 

+PuppyWuppy+

BlinkingLight1:

Has she let herself go? 

Sadly, whenever I see these posts, I think the same thing - has she? It goes both ways, though, is he still a mighty stud with a 6 pack? No? Well, then f him.

DH gained quite a bit of weight after we got married.  How he looks is 2% of why I am attracted to him, so I didn't mind the weight gain other than the extreme health consequences. However, it also brought about other qualities in him I didn't find so attractive.  Rather than saying "Hey, you have turned into a fat slob" I said "Hey, WE have turned into fat slobs, let's go to the gym." We did. I lost 10 pounds, he has lost over 60.  It is a team effort. We ALL can do be doing more to be healthier. I am sure this chica's husband is not the exception. If he thinks she looks so bad, perhaps he could be helping her with the situation rather than criticizing her for it.

drillerswife

pineneedles:

WendyToo:

BoyMom21:

If she's trying and he's still being an ass about it, I'd probably tell him to fuucck off.  If she's continuing to put on weight despite his comment and doesn't care to change anything, I'd still probably tell him to fuucck off.  Everyone I know has had weight fluctuations.  As long as she's within normal ranges and healthy, he should be supportive. Telling someone they're not attractive to them anymore and that they've "let themselves go" is a fast way to lose a spouse, in my opinion.  If he were to say "let's go on a walk every night this week" or offer her support, then she should probably be more motivated to look good for herself. Not solely for him.  I HATE guys that do this.  Be nice, dicckkhead!

Yep. I'm not buying for a second that 'you've let yourself go' and 'I'm not attracted to you anymore' comes from a place of concern and support. It's selfish (his needs and desires are the focus here), hurtful (no explanation needed), and demeaning. 

If you feel less attracted to your spouse, you don't fukcing say it. That can only hurt them. Even if it bullies them into changing something for you, they'll always second guess whether they look good enough for you or if you're dissatisfied with them. It creates an unhealthy inequality in the relationship. 

I very much agree with this, and with what Boymom said. He's being cruel and unkind. 

ITA with all of this. My immediate response when she told me was "he said WHAAAT?!?". And like Wendy said--I don't think he's concerned...turns out they've had conversations concerning the possibility of him cheating. He says he hasn't, she told me she's choosing to believe him. Besides, I worry she'll always wonder if she looks good enough, has lost enough weight, if he's judging her eating habits, etc. I know where she's coming from as far as battling her weight and I would just be devastated if DH said that to me and there would be no coming back from that. I would be so sad to realize that gaining some weight is all it would take for DH to not be attracted to me anymore.

WendyToo

Oh wow, you totally took this guy from 'insensitive jerk' to 'rationalizing cheater' with just one post. This makes me sad because he's destroying her self esteem to justify his actions. 

+PuppyWuppy+

WendyToo:

Oh wow, you totally took this guy from 'insensitive jerk' to 'rationalizing cheater' with just one post. This makes me sad because he's destroying her self esteem to justify his actions. 

Exactly. So the issue is that he needs to rationalize cheating. What a complete piece of scum!

drillerswife

+PuppyWuppy+:

WendyToo:

Oh wow, you totally took this guy from 'insensitive jerk' to 'rationalizing cheater' with just one post. This makes me sad because he's destroying her self esteem to justify his actions. 

Exactly. So the issue is that he needs to rationalize cheating. What a complete piece of scum!

Yes, the plot has certainly thickened. His comments alone are bad enough, but as I learn more I just feel sad for her and want to punch him in the face .

gingerfeathers

drillerswife:

Yes, the plot has certainly thickened. His comments alone are bad enough, but as I learn more I just feel sad for her and want to punch him in the face .

I think he deserves to be punched somewhere other than his face... try a bit lower.

That's uncalled for, and I hope she either gets out of this abusive relationship or they see a therapist who can help him change his ways. 

fuzzylogic

Him cheating was the first place my mind went. Because if you love a person, you don't tell them they've "let themselves go." You either help them be healthier or you accept them at that size.