Sex & Romance
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Living with parents is killing our sex life
My husband and I have been living with my parents for the past year and everything is going well, except even though we have our own space my husband often doesn't want to have sex for fear that my parents will hear us, find out, etc. My parents are often around the house quite often too, which doesn't help. We'll probably be living with my parents for the next couple years, and I don't want to continue our sexless life, so I want/need to remedy this issue asap...any suggestions? Anyone else have a similar problem?
Re: Living with parents is killing our sex life
Never a good idea to live with anyone, especially during the very early part of your marriage.
If you weren't self sufficient enough to afford the cheapest of studio apartments, then you and he should have waited ujntil you were a bit more financially solid.
Find a very cheap apartment and move out. And learn your lesson.
Move out of your parents' house ASAP! A few more years!? Ugh.
Man, you do love that high horse, doncha?
OP, it's tough to live with parents, and in this economy more and more people are finding themselves in that situation. Not because they aren't "adult" enough or "self-sufficient" enough but because housing is expensive and jobs aren't exactly falling from the sky. Sometimes the smartest thing to do is to try to save your money, if you have people willing to help you get a better start.
I would suggest taking a weekend though, find a hotel or motel, and just hang out the two of you. While you're there, have a serious talk with your DH and discuss what would make him comfortable in your parent's house. Your parents know you're married, so sex is sort of expected, therefore I wouldn't worry too much about them finding out. But clearly your DH is uncomfortable, so you both need to reach a solution together. You might even need to have a talk with your parents, but since you're a married adult, I think you can handle that.
It's Always Sunny on St. Paddy's Day
Definitely can't say I've had a "similar problem", because I never would have gotten married before we could afford to live on our own.
If something happens in the future and for some reason (God forbid) we need to move in with our parents, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it ... but to get married flat out knowing we'd be living under Mom and Dad's roof immediately and indefinitely? What possessed you into deliberately shooting your marriage in the foot like that?
Unfortunately, if he really can't get into the idea of having sex in your parents' house (Can't say that I blame him), you can either suck it up and deal with the lack of sex or grow the hell up and get a place of your own, like married people should. There really aren't any other options on this one.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
I understand not being financially ready to move out but if there is any way you can afford renting I would go for it. My DH and I lived with his parents while we were engaged and only for 4 months. I understand your pain!
TTC 19 months ~Started RE in March 2014~
DH was not ready for IUI so we waited
~Started acupuncture in May 2014~
~~BFP 7/6/14~~~EDD 3/14/15~~It's a girl!!~~
+1
Find the cheapest ratshack you can and make it work. It would be worth it.
So I started reading the comments and almost all of them were the same, and I completely disagree!!
My husband and I just moved out of my parent's house, we were only going to be in our home town for a few months before moving to a different city, none of the landlords around wanted to bother renting to us since we'd only be there for 6 months. Even though we "technically" had our own space, my husband's reaction was the same as yours. Plus, hearing my parents have conversations on the floor above was a definite mood killer!
We just had to learn to be flexible, so what if "right before bed" doesn't work for you. There are plenty of hours in the day! Just take advantage of when they leave the house, or set an alarm for the middle of the night. You'll wake up fast and then you can always go back to sleep.
Just make sure you're talking about it, if you are both frustrated it will be a little easier to bare then if you think you're the only one that's having a rough go. If you are close to your parents maybe you can talk to them about giving you advance notice to when they'll be out of the house. And to be honest, they probably think you two are getting way more than you are anyway!! I guess you just have to try to stay positive.
Plus, when you do finally get your own place it'll be like a second honeymoon!
Best of Luck!
Another alternative if you can't move out... get creative!
1) Find a private spot.. sometimes the bedroom is too close to the parents. Find another room where it's far enough but not a place where people hang out at.
2) Put on loud music or turn on the tv (not too loud to wake the neighbors lol). It will make it easy for you guys
3) Don't make a lot of noise.. It might be tempting to really get your freak on but hold it!
4) Have sex when the parents aren't at home.. I'm sure they have lives and aren't home 24-7. Take advantage of it.
5) Lock the door for Pete's sake.. even if you don't have sex make it a habit, this way the parents can never barge in
6) Have sex somewhere else.. if you can't find privacy at the house, may be do it at a park or in the car.. Get creative!
Ugh, I usually just lurk here but had to reply to this in light of all the bitchy, holier than thou responses. OP, I think you'd find a lot of people are in your situation these days with the crappy economy and layoffs and such. DH and I went through a period like this early in our marriage too. The immigration process cost us a fortune and once he got here he couldn't work for a year and shortly after our wedding, I was laid off and my income halved with my new job so we went from a combined, 6 figure income down to about $25k a year, which in that time in this market could not rent you anything within a reasonable vicinity of where I was working. Oh, and a surprise baby on the way so a crap shack wasn't really a good option anyway. Life happens sometimes people, you do what you can with it.
PP had a lot of good ideas. Only thing I'd add to that is maybe have a sit down with your parents if they're the overly intrusive type. I'd also work out some sort of rental arrangement with them. It is their house but if you are paying tenants, you have a reasonable expectation of privacy.
I guess I failed to mention a few details...I'm sure if we were both from the US, it would be a different story and we would have waited to get married. But we had to move from his home country of Chile to the US, and we also spent a fortune on the immigration process and plane tickets, which created a lot of debt too. In Latino culture it's common for kids to live with their parents longer, plus my husband would rather just buy a house instead of renting. And of course there's the job market, we have okay jobs but nothing to brag about financially. So after all of that there's no way we would be able to be on our own right away, but now it just looks like it will be longer than expected.
So thanks for the suggestions from those in similar positions!
I'm creeping over here from TB, but I wanted to say that we lived with my in-laws for about 1.5 years. It was ok and DH was a little nervous at first in terms of getting busy, but he got over it. We kept our door shut and always had the TV on. We definitely took advantage if nobody was home (which wasn't TOO often as we have a son.) I even got pregnant while we were living there, which prompted us moving out.
Do what you have to do my friend!!! Remember that no matter the circumstances, a sexless marriage cannot be a happy one for long....
I think he's being oddly short-sighted in wanting to wait to move out until you can buy a house and not wanting to have sex while living with your parents. Does he even realize that he is saying that he'd rather wait a few years of marriage before having a normal sex life?
I just stumbled upon this and just WOW! I can't believe the things some people are saying.
I very recently got married and we live with my mom! Yeah we do! Also my H is in the military and he left a month after the wedding. There was no way in hell I was going to move out and be all alone in a new place so early on. Also, we can't afford it! We just spent all the money we had on a fabulous wedding that we wanted and don't regret! Everyone loved it! H is waiting till he comes home to get a mature job and he'll be making more money, so we need a little more time to get some money together and see if we can even qualify for a house that isn't somewhere ghetto.
So yeah, it happens.
My husband and I lived in his parents house the first year of marriage. His parents left their house and went on a year long vacation, so we were able to have it to ourselves until his little sister decided to come into the picture. After a year his parents came back and we only lasted about 3 months with them until they made it very clear that it would be better if we got out. We were out of there that week. It has been almost a month now of us living in our own space and it is AMAZING! We have sex as much as we want, run around the house naked if we want, and just have our OWN space. We use all of our wedding presents finally and life is just so much better. Believe me, I do not think living with in laws is good at all for a marriage. Yes, you will be able to save a ton of money, but in the long run you need to do whats good for your marriage and get outa there.
If your husband is anything like mine, he probably feels a little embarrassed and ashamed that he is having his wife live with her parents. If you guys do move out you will instantly be holding your head up higher and just feel better about life. Trust me, it's worth it! Good luck!
Be like teenagers!!!!! Do it in the car, on a long drive...in an elevator...near a park...descretley of course! You don't have to be in the bedroom at your parents home!
Get creative....other things you can do besides intercourse too! Take a shower together, go camping, rent a cheap hotel...grab each other in public!
I am currently in the same exact situation. Financially any rental was out of our price range, so my parents let us move in. It is EXTREMELY awkward attempting to find intimate time while you know your parents are nearby. (Especially when things start bumping, oh dear.). Not sure if financially if it is an option but I would highly suggest, like others, finding your own place. It's a huge blessing to live with family, but it's also important to take off on your own. My hubby and I find it hard to confront issues living in such close quarters with parentals.
Not sure what size home it is, but would a remodel be possible? Some way of making a detached or separate living quarters for you and your husband. Like above the garage, in the basement, etc. I know it's not ideal but it's maybe better then banging your headboard against your little siblings room for now.
Keep your chin up.
Heres the answer-MOVE OUT!
Put your "big girl" pants on and get a place of your own. Then you all can have wild monkey sex every night!