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Major fight and now a silence. Semi long, am I in the wrong?
A little back ground. Hubby and I each have 1 child from a previous relationships. My ex is not involved at all, so hubby has nothing to base my feelings on. Hubby's ex is a contender for failed mother of the year x 100.
His ex is supposed to send DS to us every other weekend and provide us with a bag of clothing for him to wear. She sends him with just the outfit he is wearing. After numerous fights and hubby not putting his foot down, I bought a few items at a consignment shop so we have clothing on hand as I have him on Saturdays and I don't want a dirty kid.
So our fight last night was that Hubby's ex wants him to buy ds school clothings and supplies as she doesn't have money. Tells him last night, 2 days before the start of school. Hubby agrees and comes and tells me we are buying ds school stuff.
I flipped. I admit it, I did. I stated how I am not spending my money to stock her house with stuff. He already pays support weekly and she should be using that. As it is, I have to spend my money on clothing for him for when he is here. And my cruel remark of him having to be a knight in shining armor to his ex because he can never put his foot down to her.
His answers are, he doesn't want his son to look like a scrub, why should son suffer for mother's screw ups. How I can go looking at consignment shops and pick up a few things. And re-enforcing how he doesn't want his son to look like a scrub.
Right now, I am not talking to hubby. I am so ticked off. He already pays support, then covers for health insurance and what he brings home all month barely covers the rent. I put 100% of my money into everything, pay all the bills ect. I can't completely fault him for putting in less money. He works full time and he does his duty of paying child support and mandated coverage for health insurance. (My ex is getting away with not paying a dime. So I am very for "pay your support first")
I am pissed that hubby wants me to use my money to stock his ex's house. It would be a completely different story if son was here. He would not go without on the basics just like my DD.
So I guess what I am asking is, am I wrong for being pissed off? If not, how do I make hubby understand? (He wants to go shopping for him today and I am tempted to take off for the day.) TIA for your opinions.
Re: Major fight and now a silence. Semi long, am I in the wrong?
You are in the wrong to an extent. It confuses me that you think his financial responsibility as an equal person who helped make that son is only child support. The school supplies may help the mom out but in the end it's the child who it truly helps. Also you keep referring it to as your money. Does he pay just child support and then throw the rest of his pay check away? Or is he paying child support and helping with the bills then asking you for a bit more cash for supplies? For me I would see nothing wrong with helping them because in the end it's all for the son. But if you don't see it that way you need to make that crystal clear.
EDIT: Though going off the other person post..if she is spending all that support on herself then yes your hubby is 100 percent wrong.
After numerous fights and hubby not putting his foot down...
He needs to man up --- it's all over your post that he is nothing but a doormat for her. And yes, she is supposed to provide clothing for him and make sure that he is clean and healthy, etc.
Counseling for him to learn how to stand up to her....but will he go? Probably not.
Okay just to clarify. Hubby only brings home $250 a week after $100 a week in CS and then $100 a week in medical insurance, then taxes. Rent is 1000/month. His money goes into the rent account.
I bring home $450 a week, I pay our credit cards, our gas, both cars are mine and pay their car insurance, his smokes, and then the house hold bills. I pay for the food too.
I do not receive CS that is due to me from my ex. He owes me $20k right now. My dd is 11 and I have worked hard and supported my dd alone. We have been on a very tight budget since I lost my 42k/year job and had to take a 30/k job.
His ex is getting support, living with her new baby and the daddy. She refuses to work. I have no clue what she goes and does with the $100 a week cs.
The ex does not send son with clothing for weekends. What he wears on Friday is all he brings with him for 3 days. I used my savings to buy him clothing to have in our house.
And the list wasn't just supplies for school (which he is repeating kindergarden, which is a whole other story). We are talking, work boots, sneakers, jeans, shirts, essentially a whole wardrobe.
You and your H need to sit dow and throughly discuss what's happening.
And that she isn?t upholding her end of the agreement ? to provide the basics that a child needs ? that needs to be addressed immediately with your H?s attorney and his ex wife?s attorney.
Something is funky here; that money evidently is going toward other things. Only she can tell you what she?s really doing with the child support funds.
His attorney needs to run interference here. Let him handle it from here on in.
There are no attorneys. This is a child out of wedlock.
Right now yes I could say she is a SAHM, but in the past several years she hasn't been able to keep a job and before she got pregnant with the new baby she refused to get a job after her last firing. Last year she moved 13 times with son in a 10 month period.
Are the CS & insurance court ordered? I'd consult an attorney. It is understandable your DH doesn't want his child suffering. That's good parenting. But he shouldn't be walked on.
Can you guys take her to court to gain sole custody? She seems to be unfit to be a mother based on what I?m reading here but really, if this child is not being cared for properly by his mother, maybe it's time to consider that option. I feel bad for the little boy - he failed kindergarten, but I imagine it would have something to do with the instability of his life at home causing issues.
You might want to post on the Blended Family board, they will have a lot of opinions. My take on it is, sure it is horrible his son will look like a scrub, but if he wants to buy his child these extra things then he needs to cover the expense. Whether that is a part time job or selling something it is his responsibility. It sounds like you are doing more than your fair share. If he insists on shopping then you better accompany them since from your post I get the impression your H does not know the value of a $.
Also, get to court and get a CO regarding support. If he is doing this without proof there is nothing to the ex going to court and them finding him liable for back support. He is being foolish. There is a calculator to determine how much he is obligated to pay in CS.
I cannot seem to locate a Blended Family board per my set up. I saw it mentioned on another thread prior to my posting.
We already have a court order for support. And I've already looked into it. Sadly per MA guidelines, he will be court ordered to add another $80 a week on per the MA CS calculator. We won't be able to survive with him bringing home less then 200 a week. His work hours keep him from getting a part time job. He is in automotive and his new manager changed his hours so he goes in later and doesn't get out till 7pm.
I have had a ton of experience with the courts and they are not helpful. The good guys that take care of their children get mauled by the system. The bad guys that don't pay get a slap on the hand with a "don't do it again". I actually have no faith in the court system anymore. Not after fight for 11 years to get my daughter support.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Ahh, see, I wouldn't have any reason to look at The Bump because I assume that for expecting parents.
DH earns $15 an hour and is being looked at in the near future for a promotion. He has been at his job for 3 years. In the 3 years he has only obtained a total of a $1 raise due to the economy.
CS is calculated at her making minimum wage at the time and the calculators I use on the site indicated another $80 a week increase for him if he took her back. That is even including him paying for the medical insurance. With her working nothing it will go up even more.
I'm not saying he shouldn't provide, we do and it's here. He has his own bedroom, his own toys, his own clothing. I just don't agree with stocking her house with my money. Yes, I will say my money because it is a separate account. He pays the rent, I pay for all household bills, my DD and her activities and meds, food and gas and auto bills, and a christmas savings plan. All of my money goes to those and there is very little left behind. I have never complained about his low take home because he is paying $200 a week in support and medical insurance.
And my previous post got eaten earlier. I cannot sell a car. We only have two and they are both mine. I bought them when I had my good job. I gave my old one to DH when we first got engaged and his car died a horrible death. I bought myself a new one before I lost my good paying job. If I get rid of a car, I will have to quit my job.
DH's hours and mine are not compatible to get rid of a car. We each work 20 miles in opposite directions of home. We live in a very rural area that there is No public transportation. I work 8-4:30 and he works 10 to 7. If he dropped me off, I would have a 2.5 hour walk to get my daughter, then another hour walk home. He would have to walk along a major route that is advised not to walk on and have to walk across highway off ramps. It would take him about 3 hours to walk to work.
There is also no option of a cheaper apartment. We got lucky with this place of a 3 bedroom for $1000/month. Other towns are looking at $1500 for a 3 bedroom. Our place includes a washer/dryer hookup so that eliminated the $100 a week I used to drop at the laundry mat. The landlord is a family friend and lowered the price to $1000 for me.
That he was in so many schools with so many teachers might have a great deal to do with his school problems.
For the sheer fact alone a kid needs stabilty, I'd say go to court for sole custody.
Failing kindergarten is a big big issue; what's going to happen to him now if his mother keeps moving and moving and moving??? He desparately needs stability.
This is not something I would fight over. I wouldn't want my child to have no clothes for back-to-school, either, and your H is willing to have you shop consignment for them. He isn't asking you to break the bank. And if you think school clothes are expensive, think of the expense of having SS full time!
I agree you should look after full custody. The instability of your SS's house must be horrible for him. Who fails kindergarten?
If you are going to fight with your H about money, how about the fact that YOUR ex hasn't paid you a dime to support your daughter? If you had the $20K that you are owed, a few hundred bucks for clothes wouldn't be an issue. Why isn't your ex in jail? It's not fair for you to want to be self-sufficient when your household is hurting.
Who fails kindergarten? Usually it was kids who were not emotionally or cognitively ready for school, or maybe had a learning disability that went undetected or kids that had some sort of comprehension problem.
I'm willing to bet it is a stability problem --- your H and you would be wise to check this out with the chld study team. Get his hearing checked, his eyes checked and have him see a doc for a complete physical.
Make sure that he says he's eating a complete and healthy breakfast before he goes to school; ditto lunch. Good nourishment has everything to do with learning and attentiveness.:)
He failed kindergarten because he can't talk. He is 6. The mother says it's normal. An example Clown is said as Cow. My DD he calls Mia and that is not her name. He refuses to say my name and growls at me when I watch him while DH works.
My ex lives in a state that doesn't play well with out of state child support. I have an email record from my ex telling DD if she ever contacted him he would press harassment charges on her. She emailed him asking if he would sign papers to changer her last name. I was stupid at 19 years old and had a child with him. My hands are tied with the courts. I cannot file for Contempt as I already have an open case with an outstanding warrant for him, but it is only valid in the state of MA. He lied to his states court saying he was paying when he was paying for baby #2 (he's got 3 now) and his state dismissed the case believing his lies. Eventually Karma will find him. I just have to sit back and wait.
We are strapped financially, heck I am signing on as a rep for home sales to bring in more money. I am taking on another job to pay off our debts that accumulated when I was laid off. We had a different lifestyle 2 years ago when I was making 12k more a year.
And if she said something in the beginning of summer, I would of looked at the few shops around and grabbed a few things for real cheap. Not demanding/asking 2 days before school starts. My own family helped me out and bought stuff for DD as they know we have been tight on money. They took her out while they were watching her for the summer while we worked.
If we had SS then, DH would have the $100/week back and if would be applied to SS like it should be.
DH and I have discussed going for custody, but we need a 5k retainer for a lawyer. If we are living pay check to pay check right now, how are we going to find 5k just to obtain services and then pay more?
Wasn't this problem prevalent when his mother signed him up for school? I am sure it was -- didn't she say something to the school or request to meet with the child study team?
Doesn't she care about this youngster's welfare at all?
And what did the school/teacher do when it was clear that the kiddo couldn't talk? isn't this a failure on their part, too -- didn't consult with the child study team, didn't say anything to the school medical staff??? Didn't the kiddo's mother get a call about this, very early on in the school year?
This is not only maddening, it's a shame! Perhaps they could have done something abou this early in the school year -- couldn't they even recommend that the child be pulled from the school, investigation of his problem warranted?
Has his hearing been checked? Maybe that's part of the reason why he can't talk?
For the sake of this child, medical and other intervention is needed. he's in the same spot as he was LAST YEAR -- what do they think? this go round he'll magically be promoted from kindergarten, no problems and with flying colors???
How ghastly for the child. What a shame.
He needs an evaluation: anything can be at play here; hearing problem, autism, some type of developmental delay, even some type of physical problem.
I had a cousin who did not speak until 5 years of age; she was fine --- but this youngster needs an evaluation, immediately. all of this should have been done lst year -- if he had an evaluation, what were the results?
Ok...if there is no CO, then don't pay child support next week. Keep the money for the clothes.
Go and get a free consultation with a family law attorney. Find out your rights in this situation. You may be misreading the calculators. Or the fact that you are covering health insurance may figure into the calculations. Or the amount of time you have the boy in your care.
But no matter how this goes, you need to put yourself in your husband's shoes. The boy has material needs and his father wants to provide for those needs. I imagine if your money situation were better, this wouldn't be nearly as big of an issue for you. You want to do right thing by the boy.
No way is the Ma court going to make your husband pay $100 per week plus $100 for med ins. when he only brings home $250.00 a week. They look at rent, bills, food, ect. they are not going to leave him with $50 per week. Sounds like it might be per month, not week.
As a responsible SM and parent you should have clothes for the child in your home.
Do you buy used clothes for your child.
You married the man knowing he had a child and how much he made.
You said he pays the rent, $1000 a month, you also say he pays $100 per week cs, $100 med ins and cs is going up another $80. You also said he only makes 250 per week. All this doesn't add up. Plus rent split 3 ways means your hubby is paying 250 per month for your child.
Do the math.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
My guess with the math is that her H makes $450 / week. $100/week goes towards CS, $100/week goes to healthcare, and the REMAINING $250/week goes towards the rent.
Is it true there is no CO? If not, then have your H buy your SS clothes, and take the money out of what he pays. Support is suppoed to be used to support the child.
Also - I don't think you need to buy your SS things all at once. My son only got 3 new shirts for back-to-school. He'll be wearing shorts for the first couple of weeks, because it is so hot in the classroom. We live in NJ, and he can wear his summer clothes until it gets colder. Hopefully by then I'll be able to buy some clothes on sale. Ditto DD - she got a few back-to-school items, but she will be wearing shorts until it gets colder. Fall colors look out of place when school starts and it is 90 degrees outside, and even hotter inside!
This. No offense.
This is gonna sound mean but none the less it is still the truth.
1. Yes you are wrong on so many levels.
2. Quit thinking and saying my money, you are now a couple so its your money regardless of who makes the most. Your relationship is doomed if you do not change your thinking as a single individual person to a family as a whole. If the situation was reversed how would you feel if he acted the way you are?
3. Try finding a better solution than fighting about money or who should pay for what. The baby's mother seems to be unstable, these problems should have been apparent before now and planned for. Start planning for future problems now.
4. Try looking on your state government page to file for custody, child support and visitation. You do not need a lawyer to file a motion just the filing fee. If in question call your local court house they can and will help with this information.
This is my suggestion too. Buy 3 outfits that can be mixed-matched from the consignment shop. Buy a new pair of sneakers, a pack of socks, and a pack of underwear at Wal-Mart. Subtract what you spend from next week's CS payment.
Also, I'd ask around the neighborhood, work, or friends and find someone with a son a few years older who has a bunch of hand-me-downs.
Ditto, also, that someone (your DH) needs to step in and take responsibility for this child's education and welfare. Your DH needs to pursue everything the school can do for this child. This is just tragic.
This child needs a hero, yet he's being thought of as an inconvenient monthly expense and a hassle. Seriously. You may never say it to this child in words, but I'm guessing that he knows where he stands with you and his dad. And with his mom and her new baby-daddy, for that matter. Ugh.