DD?

WendyGR

Did I dream up a post from someone who was giving money to her mom and hiding it from her DH, or was it DD'd? I didn't see it on the Relationships board either.

alithebride

you didn't dream it. DD.

alithebride

09-03-2012 at 1:41 PM

Nici1357 Joined on 08-15-2007 1 Posts 21 Points Mom expects me to give her money Sorry may get long.  My dad passed away a year ago and mom was always the stay at home mom. I took over helping her pay the bills and keeping track of money, she never had to worry because dad always did it. Now she gets a limited amount a month and is not use to that amount. I am the oldest and 2 other siblings are in early 20s still living at home but have jobs and an 18 year old in high school. I have tried telling my mom to set a budget and ask them to pitch in before she runs out of money, they had in savings account and to learn to live on her new income. My husband and I just bought a house and have student loans to pay back. Husband has issues with what the other 2 that live at home do with their money(they both party a lot and take weekened trips all over, which is ok they are young and I did that)  but I told him its none of our business and we have to stay out. However now its to the point my mother is asking me for money and Im not talking a few hundred dollars she needs more. I told her I would help her the best I could but I do not want husband to know, it will only cause a big fight for us. I have a savings account I put money in every week.  I understand why he does not want me to help because she is not asking the others to pitch in at all. But it still is my mother. She has also been giving my uncle a few hundred a month because he fell and broke his foot and messed up his unemployment so he has no money and his girlfriend only makes minumim wage so they are struggling. I have repeateadly told her she cant afford to do it. She started doing babysitting on the side to help bring in some extra money but still not enough. I have told her we will add up all the minumin payments she needs to make before she gets the monthly check and I will pay those. She said she doesnt understand why I cant give her more she will pay it back when the check comes, but it will continue ever month then. I feel as if I shouldnt have to constantly worry about her money and our money. When I tried talking to her about making the kids pay even 50 a month to help with bills she said we never made you pay to live her, correct I understand but that was when dad was around and the money was there, but she does not understand that. I have never lied to my husband but this will only cause a really big fight and I will be put in the middle because each of them thinks they are right and will not understand the others side. My take on it is to help her with what is needed on the bills but she has to make the other kids living at home start helping to pay at least something. I feel as like I am being taken advantage of and getting the guilt trip, by always telling me how good I had it, but times change and now the others need to step up some and help out. Am I wrong in my thinking? Not sure what to do?

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09-03-2012 at 2:03 PM

ldmessing Joined on 02-10-2001 Metro Atlanta, Ga (Marietta) 268 Posts 2,793 Points What a shame it is that your father didn't have enough life insurance to take care of his family, but that doesn't mean you should be expected to.  Your mother needs to get a job, if she has a child stillin high school she is certainly not too old to go to work..

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09-03-2012 at 3:02 PM

PnkBride Joined on 01-14-2005 1,193 Posts 3,749 Points Your mom needs to get a job. ASAP! Do not give her money behind your husbands back. If he finds out, you may end up living with your mom.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~ Elizabeth Stone  "Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown

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09-03-2012 at 3:52 PM

WendyGR Joined on 09-20-2005 Grand Rapids, MI 5,454 Posts 5,587 Points 1. DO NOT GIVE HER MONEY. Especially behind your husband's back. That is a bad, bad idea. 2. Tell her the bank of daughter #1 is now closed because you can't afford it. Sorry, there will be no more money. End of story. 3. Help her come up with a budget; perhaps you could have your younger siblings involved too. Hopefully that will help her realize the situation and stop giving money to your uncle. She is enabling him, just as you have been enabling her. It's a bad spiral to get into and in the long run it is more harmful than helpful to provide handouts.

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09-03-2012 at 5:18 PM

alithebrid... Joined on 08-27-2004 Huntington, Long Island 15,951 Posts 26,561 Points Stop immediately. Do not involve yourself at all in any part of bills etcwith her. She now needs to learn without you enabling her.

Our annual December trip to Mexico!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:  My food blog: www.sparksfromthekitchen.com

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TarponMonoxide

Here are more marriage dynamics that are as nonexistant as the unicorn, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and the Tooth Fairy.

Her H should be livid that his wife is handing money over to her mother.

OP: your mother's financial debacle is NOT your concern. She needs to sell the house; if not that, she most definitely needs to learn how to budget and cut back on expenses that can be cut down on.

Getting an addtional part time job would help, too.

As of now, end any money given to your mother. This is not your concern: this is HER problem and not yours.

Get yourself to a counselor; you need to learn that you and your H are THE FAMILY. Your first alliance is TO HIM. Not your mom. gl.