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Ugh...Not again! Friend problem
So, I did it again and now I find myself dealing with a friend who doesn't know (or doesn't want to know) that he's being really clingy to me and that it's really annoying me and my husband. What I "did again" was I stuck my nose into a friend's business when I probably shouldn't have. I didn't think I was doing a bad thing but then again I never do and this kind of thing always happens. I just thought that's what friends do--when they notice a friend of theirs is really down, they say "I'm sorry you're upset. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I'll listen."
I've known this guy for four years now--we went to college together and he and his girlfriend have always been nice to me. I've never talked to him much but he always gives me hugs when I come to visit and does talk a little to catch up on what I've been doing (what I'm trying to get at is that he's never been anything but kind to me). About a few weeks ago, I saw a status update of his on fb that kind of worried me. I've never known him to be a dramatic guy (he hardly ever goes on facebook) but the post he put sounded like he was very confused on where to go next and was willing to put himself in harm's way to find a solution. I decided to ask him about it and it turns out that he and his now ex-girlfriend were having some similar problems my husband and I had when we reached our two year mark. We talked about it and I asked him questions to see if he was feeling some of the things my husband had felt and gave him some advice on how to handle the situation. He couldn't stop thanking me because apparently I'm the only one who would actually talk to him about this instead of telling him to "dump that b**** because she wasn't worth it". It felt really good to know that my advice had actually helped him feel better and gave him a little insight on what could be wrong.
But...
Now this guy has become extremely clingy and it's starting to scare me. He messages me almost every day nearing midnight and it's always to talk about how nervous he is to talk to his ex, how things are going with them, etc. I've told him straight out that I don't feel comfortable talking with him so often because it's gotten so bad that I talk to him more than my own husband! But instead of taking it as "Ok, I'll back off a little" he's taken it as "Ok, I'll talk more about myself first and then talk about my relationship problems". I know what to do and yet I don't. I feel like I'm just getting exactly what I asked for by sticking my nose into other people's business but isn't that what friend's do? I don't have a problem with talking to him but it's really gotten out of hand--I shouldn't be talking to any guy for almost two to four hours a day (at least an hour or two on the phone and the rest through text) unless it's my husband or a really close friend. Plus my husband has already said he's extremely uncomfortable with this guy talking to me--it's annoying and it's getting in the way of our time together.
Re: Ugh...Not again! Friend problem
I think the problem is that we try to help others out and the ones that barely get helped out latch on to something when they do get him. My boyfriend was trying to be that for his ex (from a distance, he never saw her in person)...but it got to the point where she was posting on his facebook "I miss you" and "when are you going to come see me." I never had a problem (too much) with them talking, but she was WAY too clingy (even if it wasn't physical, he hasn't seen her since we've been dating...over a year).
Also, this guy won't message you every night if you don't message him back. Get off of facebook and do some stuff for yourself
(that's a lesson I need to learn also!!)
"when they do get him"
supposed to be...
"when they do get help"
First, I don't think you did anything wrong reaching out to this friend. I would have done the same for any of my friends (super close or not).
Now, if I were in your shoes: I would stop replying to his messages. Yes, it seems mean, but you've got to cut the communication somewhere. It is ok to talk to him from time to time (like maybe twice a week, not 2-4 hours a day), so you're not completely blowing him off. (IMO, talking to a friend doesn't become an issue until it starts affecting you, your husband, or both). He will eventually get that it is a bit excessive. If he doesn't and says something like "why are you ignoring me?" Then that is your opportunity to explain that "you care about what is going on with him, but you have things in your life as well that needs to be handled." You don't have to explain what it is (just time with your H) that needs to be handled. With that being said, I would make sure to check in with him from time to time if he completely stops messaging you since you said he said something to the extent that he would put himself in harm's way...
Hope that helps and GOOD LUCK!
Update: I forgot to mention that I stopped replying to his messages about a week ago but he's STILL messaging me! He's even commenting on the pictures I post on other people's walls!