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Sharing feelings.
My husband seems to have issues sharing his feelings with me. This isn't just a guy thing, I know what that's like and I understand that. But the issue is more that when I try to have a conversation with him he doesn't put anything into it except for an "Ok" the conversation end and I'm pissed because the issue isn't resolved.
We have had a lot of things in our life change drastically in the last year. We talked recently about the issue of him not talking openly with me, because I was always yelling at him, often in front of our friends and apparently they think there's something up my butt. The problem for me is that I feel he is avoiding the reality of the situation of being a husband and father because he didn't want that just yet (we had plans for 4 or 5 years down the road).
But stuff happens and we had a kid earlier than we wanted to. I feel like I have matured a lot (I feel 10 years older than I am at times) due to having our daughter and getting married but that he is still stuck at 21, hanging out with friends and gaming all day.
We are young (both 21) we have been together for almost 2 years, and have been married publicly ( to our friends and family's knowledge) for a month (we got legally married 9 months ago) we also have a daughter that is 6 months old.
I have two jobs and I go to school full-time, I've opened up to him about how I feel like a bad mother because I'm never home to take care of our daughter or to keep things in our room clean(we live with my mom and dad). He works 4 days a week at his job. (our jobs are all part time and minimum wage). He has had a few opportunities for better paying jobs but hasn't really made an effort to get them.
He told me that he would love for me to stay at home if he could let me but that he feels that I was pushing him into something he didn't want to do (a new and better paying job) and that it was unfair for me to expect him to be gone all day at work and for me to get to stay at home with our daughter. (Lemme tell ya sahm's don't have it easy they work 24/7)
He's a great guy who had a hard life growing up, I think he has problems believing that I'm going to stay faithful to him and that we will stay a family (His mother has been married and divorced 8 times she cheated on all of her husbands and has drug/alcohol problems, he lived with her till he was 18. I have never met her and he hasn't spoken to her in 3+ years)
I want to see his side of things but I just don't get it.
Any ideas for how to get him to actually talk to me about things instead of brushing things off as not a big deal?
(Sorry this was so long I just wanted there to be as many details as possible)
Re: Sharing feelings.
Well, the things that are a big deal are things that talking won't solve. He's a father when he wasn't ready to be, and he doesn't make a lot of money.
I'm caught by you saying that he's "stuck at 21" when in reality, you both are 21. He's acting his age, and much as you like to think otherwise, you're acting yours. Boys show immaturity by reveling in their youth, while girls tend to show immaturity by taking on the trappings of adulthood and pretending to be years ahead of their peers. You're both right about on schedule. What isn't on schedule is the marriage and kid.
I wish you both luck, but honestly, this is likely to get worse before it gets better, if it does indeed get better.
I'm wondering how exactly the problems would get fixed then? If you don't talk about what the problems are how are you going to fix them? I know that just talking about it won't fix the problem you have to actually DO something, but if you can't talk about it you're pretty unlikely to do it.
Hello:)
I'm glad you came here and I hope people will reply so you can get a little insight. I do agree with "Return Of".... He is acting his age, but with the situation at hand, this does not make it okay. It's unacceptable. Some men that are married with a kid at the age of 21 do step up completely (I'm not taking away from them) but majority will act exactly like your husband. What's done is done, and you two have a child together. I wont harp on the fact that happened, I'll commend you for doing your best to grow up and take care of your child. I'm 26 and have seen a couple of my friends in this EXACT situation. I know you have tried before, but you must try again. Let him know you aren't happy and that you would like a little relief. You work two jobs and go to school? And he only works part time 4 days a week? That's not okay. Even if he were to get a better job (which he should!) this doesn't mean you should stop working completely. You could still have at least one part time job & always stay in school. From what you said, you are still in your parents home, so I'm sure you can use all the money you can get and SAVE SAVE SAVE. Try your best to not yell at him. I'm sure this is an extremely overwhelming time for both of you, he's showing you he doesn't want to deal with it but not listening and not talking. Have a heartfelt conversation about how you BOTH feel. You have a 6 month old, probably not a lot of $, that's a lot of stress. Praise him for what he does do right. And have a "stick together attitude" while talking, like you guys can make it work and have the family you both want. He needs to be pro- active and you need to find an encouraging way to say that.
I'm being light on him, due to his age and what he's been through. But that can only last so long. I have a friend that had two kids and was married by 21. She's now 25 and still married to the same immature guy that will never grow up. So don't wait that long for results.
Some guys with his type of background don't seem to have a lot of motivation or drive because nobody showed them love or encouragement their entire life. I feel for a person like that, it's very sad. However, one of these days he won't be able to blame his past anymore. He has a family now, he has to be a man. If you don't see a change in the near future, I highly suggest you go to a marriage counselor.
Good luck to you!
So, you got married secretly and then publicly? How does that work?
Look. Clearly you are aware that you've made some mistakes and that the life you have carved out for yourself is far from ideal, but things can be improved.
You've made some adult decisions and now you have some adult consequences that you have to take control of. You, your husband and your daughter live with your parents. You don't need to stop working to be able to keep your room clean. It's not that hard. Clean your room. Your comment about stay at home mothers working 24/7 really irks me. Especially as you have a room to take care of, not a house. Not sure why you would think that it is fair for him to work ridiculous hours at minimum wage to fund your dreams of being a stay at home mom in your parents' house.
You and he need to set some clear goals and timelines. If neither of you can stick to them then it might be a good indicator that you aren't a good fit together.
You both need to work your way up and out of minimum wage part time jobs. This can be done in many ways. Pursuing further education is one (a very good one), or busting your arse and working your way up from the bottom is another. I did things backasswards as well and didn't go to university in my 20's. But with a heck of a lot of hard work and sacrifices I'm doing just fine. I say you both, because being a stay at home parent is a luxury. One that right now, you can't afford.
I assume that you aren't paying rent or bills. So you should be able to save quite a bit for a deposit on a small studio or 1 bedroom apartment. Make getting out of your parent's house, getting full time jobs and planning for the future a priority, with set timescales. Like, out of your parent's house in 4 months. Full time jobs in 2, etc.
Right now your husband (and yourself) are still living like teenagers, so how can you expect him to suddenly transform into a mature partner?
Also, belittling him in front of his friends is not helping your cause, no matter how angry you are. You wouldn't react well if he yelled at you in front of your friends. Arguments or disagreements should be private. Keeping that in mind might help in the short term.
Best of luck. You've got a lot against you right now, but it's not impossible to turn things around.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
You have to change the way that you are talking to him. He sounds unhappy. You sound unhappy. From his answers of OK and then ending a conversation it sounds as though you are doing all the talking, making all the decisions and he has just checked out.
Put it to him differently. Instead of telling him that you are unhappy with how you two are living and saying "what about you?" - he may just agree with you to end the fight. Instead, sit him down and ask him "are you happy with how we are living?" if he says yeah, ask him why? What part makes him happy? If he says no, ask him to explain, or break it down into what parts make him unhappy. Then work together to discuss how you could change it and form a plan. Don't jump in there with all of your brilliant ideas - work through it WITH him.
And bit by bit. Identify a problem, discuss, make changes, enjoy lack of that problem. Identify next problem, discuss, make changes, enjoy lack of that problem. People shut down if you throw everything at them at once.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
You can't solve the fatherhood problem. The kid is here, and he's only 21 and not ready. You can talk and talk and talk, and these two facts will still be true. It's an unsolvable problem at this time.
As far as the money issue, well, that's unlikely to be solvable, too. He's young, and can't possibly have much in the way of job experience or credentials, not compared with the other potential employees out there. Again, you can talk about it, but the facts remain as is for now.
Not everyone deals with stressors by talking them to death. Some people feel better when they talk about what is bothering them, even if nothing really changes, and that's fine, but it's neither the only way nor the best way. Other people find that talking about problems does nothing but make their jaws tired and make them more irritable and annoyed with the situation. This is clearly the kind of person your husband is, and there's nothing wrong with that. Leave him be, and for heaven's sake, stop airing your dirty laundry in front of your friends.
I totally agree with this 110%!
I used to be like him when I was in my early 20's! I didn't like talking about my feelings. We didn't do that in my home, so basically I would answer with an "Ok" or "Alright." Eventually I grew up (like your DH will do one day maybe) and learnt how to comunicate better. Give him a break and stop hassling him.
Plus I totally agree....fighting in front of friends is rude and ignorant. Not only are you making you DH uncomfortable but also your friends who might not stay your friends for too long (IF I was in their shoes I wouldn't want to have a friend who fought in front of me all the time)!
This! GL
luvjme
Thank you for being kind and optimistic (while still being realistic)
It seems quite a few people here don't like to be nice. I liked your advice very much. Thank you!
Well what happened was that one of my jobs was related to my church and my then fiance moved in with me and my parents while I was pregnant. The pastor of the church found out that he was moving in and called me to tell me that basically I was on probation until we got married and that if we continued to live together without being married that I would no longer be considered a member of the church and therefore would no longer have that job. SOOO we went to the county and got our marriage licence, my parents the pastor and two of our friends (the witnesses) knew that we got married no one else. Then later we basically had a vow renewal ceremony that looked and felt like a "real" wedding.
That's how that works.
I never said I wanted to stay at my parents house...I feel trapped living there. Like we'll never get out. I know that isn't true. Did you miss the part where I work two jobs and go to school full time? Or the part where all my husband does is sit on his butt and play on his Xbox or computer while I'm gone? Maybe THAT'S why it's so hard to keep the room clean. I defintely don't want to not work ever again but I think that working only one job and finally finishing school seems pretty fair.
My whole issue with working is that pretty much no matter where I work 1/4 to 1/2 of my paycheck every month will go to paying a babysitter or daycare because all of my family still have lives and have to work to pay their bills too. So why should I work my butt off just to pay a babysitter when I could just watch the kid myself? My husband and I try as hard as we can to make it so that we don't have to use a sitter but sometimes it just doesn't work, like right now she goes to the sitter two days a week while I'm at school and he and my parents are all at work. that's $200 a month we pay out just for two days. what happens when we both work full-time? yeah we make more money but then we pay out more to the sitter. Seems a little counter productive if you ask me.