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Am I the only one this happens to?
I have been married for about 10 months and it has been a rough 10 months. I thought it would be all bliss, but unfortunately it is not the case. For starters sex is non-existant. Months will pass without any intimacy. I have tried and tried talking to my H about this but nothing helps. I understand he is stressed in his job but it makes me feel inadequate. I have tried sitting him down and telling him how I feel and things that I need from him. But he won't even try. I am the only person that initiates sex and am constantly getting turned down.
Not only that but we are both very stubborn. So whenever we fight (even if I am right) he will never step down and admit it. So we fight a lot and I think most of it has to do with not getting to spend time together. Lately I have been trying not to yell so i just step out of the situation for awhile until I calm down and he gets mad at that. I feel like our marriage is headed in a bad direction.
I am glad that he is career oriented but I feel like his job is more important than I am. I try to get him to come home earlier just one day a week (by early i mean 4:30) and he won't even do that. It doesn't help that we are on opposite work schedules either. I am frustrated I have suggested counseling but he "already knows what they are going to say" so he really isn't in tune to that either.
And then I would like to start a family but he wants to wait. I am a little older than he is but it's like my input doesn't count. At the same time I don't really want to start a family with all of these issues either.
What can I do to make things better or what can I do to make him see the big picture.. I hate this. Any suggestions would be great.
Re: Am I the only one this happens to?
Not a lot to offer, but two things stood out to me. 1. What type of job does he have? Trying to leave work early is something that I would love to do but would find incredibly difficult and stressful to actually manage. If he has a high pressure job I wouldn't push that on him.
2. I can see why he would be upset when you "step out of the situation for awhile", because you are essentially shutting him out and walking away. I doubt you would like it if someone did it to you, but I get that your intentions are good with it. It sounds ridiculous, but we have a code word for that, "fortune cookie". It means I love you, everything's fine but I just need to cool off for a bit. So one of us says it, we go our separate ways for a bit and then can come back and discuss whatever the problem was rationally and securely.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
What was the frequency of your sex life before you were married?
I don't know what's at play here; there's no backstory --- if you give one, you'll get better input.
You need to sit down with him -- with him giving you no excuses or backing out -- and discuss your sparse sex life with him.
He owes it to you to work on this with you, as a team. Being married means being committed to making sure your partner is happy and that includes happiness on an intimate level.
What does he do for a living? And did he have long hours at work during your dating days and your engagement?
If there is no reason for him to work past closing hours, why is he staying?
I would not start a family until the problems that are causing discord -- and there are several --- are worked out and solved to your satisfaction. You'd be bringing a child into the fray and who needs to start a family where there is already rock discord?
For the argument value alone you and he need counseling --- to learn how to discuss and solve a confrontation without yelling and stubborness.
I'm w/ Mags. Were there no signs before you married this guy that there were communication issues? What do you have to gain by being stubborn and not admitting your part of the fault? You can run to your separate corners and lick your wounds or you can communicate with each other about what is going on w/ you (the other is not a mind reader) and hopefully become closer.
Are you seeing a therapist? It sounds like you both need to work on your communciation skills individually as well as with each other.
Ya I agree. There had to be some signs before the wedding.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
I have been married for 3 years at the end of this month - and I have been experiencing this situation on and off since the first couple of months after I got married. It is not always a constant of bad times, but I feel there has been more bad in the relationship after marriage than good.
I have the same issues of having sex with my H as you have stated, and I have had several conversations with him. I feel that having open communication with him is the best choice! I have expressed how I feel when he does not want to have sex with me, and I tell him how I feel when I try to "turn him on" and he just bats me away. Together, we have come to the conclusion that we aren't the greatest at turning each other on, because we are both very different with what we want before intimacy... (And to be honest, I haven't figured out what turns him on yet, although I have shared with him what works best for me!) Slowly, we are trying to work on that - we both make more conscious efforts of not saying no to each other, and to have sex more often... My suggestion is to talk this situation out - and to really let your H know how you feel when he turns you down, or you are not having sex!
Our communication is not the greatest either! There are high expectations from each of us, and as I try to let him know how I feel about it, he always feel like I am hounding him, or critiquing him. (He always compares me unconsciously to his Mom and what she has done for him and his family, and I'm a teacher so I am extremely picky about how I think things should be done. I am in charge at my school, so I am certainly a control freak - but try to not freak out when my H actually does favors for me, and doesn't do it as I would).
I always try to find a positive thing to share with him, and then share the negative, and I always let him know that I know I have issues too! Because, it takes two to tango!! Although I have not been to counseling yet, but it is something that I am constantly considering - because only being married 3 years, I'm not supposed to have this many issues!
A big thing that I want to mention, is that those people who are asking about before the marriage situations - my H was amazing before we got married!!! ON the sex issue, (I was a virgin), but he tried to "fool around" constantly...any time we were together! Also, we easily communicated about whatever came to mind. I was able to talk to him about anything (and after we got married, it has become increasingly hard to talk to him) He has repeatedly (after marriage) told me that my stories bore him, and that I give too many details when talking to him (which has not changed...our first date, I talked his ear off...and the second date, and third date, etc.)
SO - everything became a lot harder after we got married....it was as if he thought he didn't have to try anymore. I know that things DO change a little after marriage, like the men stop trying to impress so much - BUT - in my situation, and the original situation presented here - this is too much!! I am constantly feeling like my H takes me and our relationship for granted, so I try to make him see that as often as I am feeling it. But again, it is a very hard balance, because I want my husband to know what a good guy he is (because he truly is wonderful), but how he is not giving me what I need to be secure in the relationship. I will say that I have tried to make him feel bad, and put him down - trying to shock him into the idea that I won't be hanging around forever if things don't change...but it doesn't get me very far!
I have been wanting kids for a while as well (I'm 29) - but have been waiting because I know that it's not the right time to start a family if things aren't good between us.
The most important thing to think about is to decide if you really love the guy. I love my H with all of my heart, so I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix "us" - and we are taking it step by step and day by day. I'm sorry I wasn't much help. I really wanted you to know that you are not alone, and it is nice to see that I am not alone...but counseling is a really good idea if both of you are interested. If not, going to counseling alone could start the ball rolling with strengthening your relationship. By talking to someone (who doesn't already know the situation), you could figure out what you are really hoping for, and how to go about it. I have discovered that I really have to be willing to change back to what I was when we first got married...b/c through all of the stress in the last 3 years, I have become a person I'm not happy with. Make sure you are sharing your thoughts with him in a non-threatening way (in a positive light as well, so your H doesn't feel like he is just being put down!).