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newlyweds and already arguing - need advice/ LONG ;(
We have been married a little under a week and are already having arguments..... is that normal?
We have known each other 5 years, lived together for over 2 and before marriage our arguments were small and very spaced out.
Now it seems to me that he is unsatisfied so often. Our recent arguments are about what I do when he is at work. He thinks I just sit and do nothing.I am going to school part time and have been studying and doing hw, cooking, cleaning, and applying/interviewing for a new jobs since I was recently let go (days before the wedding) of the job where we both worked at together. He says I don't need to find a new job right now because he makes enough and that I should drop by his work more often (but of course that's uncomfortable for me because I was just let go! he says i need to get over that already).
He has been working A LOT (70 hours a week) for the past few months so I feel for him and we skype often......but when he comes home he nags over little things- like "dinner tastes good, but what about the laundry- why didnt you start it earlier in the day so it could be finished by night time? next time do it early." or "oh you cleaned the kitchen? good job but you should have cleaned it before we started eating, not after- next time do it before"
ALSO he wants to talk with his family about our arguments because its only been a few days and we shouldn't be arguing this much. I think this is highly inappropriate and have repeatedly asked him not to. Does anyone else agree or am i being controlling? I have always heard that you shouldn't run and tell your family about an argument because they will always remember the bad parts over the good parts..... plus this is between us, right?
Re: newlyweds and already arguing - need advice/ LONG ;(
Hey!
My DH and I got married about 2 months ago. We went through a period of arguing too. I thought it wasn't normal either, but now that we have stopped arguing I am seeing that maybe it was just adjusting. Something about being married changes everything. I was in a very similar situation as you. I knew my DH since sophomore year in high school (8 years ago) and we ere engaged for 3 1/2 years and lived together for 2 years before marriage, and we never really fought. I will confess I ran to my mom during a couple of our fights (after marriage) and I realized what a bad idea that was (no matter how close I am to my mom) because it just makes things worse bringing other people into your argument. It sounds like he may have some traditional expectations of your marriage, and his expectations are a little too high. You are doing what you can considering all the school & job hunting. I know what he is saying is frustrating, I would be PO'd myself if my hubby was criticizing my cleaning efforts. But I have been trying this new thing, and its working out great. Every time he says something like 'You should have started the laundry sooner.' Try to take a silent deep breath (not a large sigh lol) and tell yourself all the reasons your love him, and calmly say something like,'hunny, I really had to get an essay done this morning so I only had time to start the laundry now. I am trying my best.' Having patience is really hard sometimes, but it usually reaps better results. Don't let yourself boil over, no matter how far he tries to take it. Likelihood is he will eventually calm down too, and you will start to 'listen' to each other, not 'hear' each other yelling at one another. After you guys can communicate in a way that's not arguing, then you should chat about what was really bugging you guys. You want to enjoy the beginning of your marriage and enjoy each other. Don't waste time being mad, life's too short!
Hang in there!
Thanx for your advice klanni! I will definitely try to breathe a little instead of getting so offended/defensive with him right off the bat...
I think you are right- its just adjusting. right now I am just thinking "oh god- people say everything changes after marriage- is this my new husband, is this his new attitude/personality/mood for the rest of our marriage?!". When in reality, its just an fight that will pass.
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Please don't worry!! Marriage is a huge change even if you have been together for a long time. Considering he is working 70 hours a week I am sure there is a huge ball of stress built up in him and who can he vent to? You! So you are probably getting all that built up anxiety and stress thrown at you in a harsh way.
Every married couple have their battles. For almost our first year of marriage my DH and I used to battle over the dumbest things! I finally brought it up to him and asked him what triggered him to get angry and I explained what set me off.
I highly recommend you talk it out using a safe word so when one of you starts to heat up the safe word it called and they have to stop. I agree with you though, this is between you two not you and his family.
GOOD LUCK!!
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~Started acupuncture in May 2014~
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Unless the way you clean house is not getting things clean and/or done on time tell him if he wants it done a different way he can do it himself. Seriously. I do most of the housework because H works more than I do. All he ever says is thank you, I appreciate the work you do for us. A few times early in our marriage he legitimately had an easier way to do a few housework things and I switched to his way because it makes things faster and less work. He always framed suggestions nicely with a if you want to do it your way that's fine, here's how I do it and I think it'll be easier for you. Not in a you're not measuring up way that your H seems to be with you.
So your H thinks you sit around and do nothing all day?
All the schooling, job hunting and house cleaning are nothing? He sounds like an a$$hole.
The next time your H asks you to go to his work laugh and tell him no. OMG. No one goes back to their work when they were let go or fired. How embarrassing.
Your H wants to talk to his parents about your private arguments?! Was he dropped on his head as a child? Is he 8 years old? In a marriage you solve problems together with the aid of a Dr or counselor if needed. Not your mom, dad, siblings or BFF. Period.
Did you two attend premarital counseling? H and I found it very helpful. Or maybe just a quiet time to sit down and chat together. That way you two can get on the same page. GL. I hope your H is just stressed out and not a real a$$hole.
Don't worry! Marriage is such an adjustment. Sometimes, people don't know how big, especially if you live together first. It's a mental adjustment for both of you. You'll settle in, and I'm sure you'll be fine! You're probably a little sensitive about what it is that you do every day, too, with the layoff being so recent. Explain to him how you're feeling and try not to be so defensive. I'm sure he doesn't mean anything by it.
One more quick thing, you need to sit down with him and explain that he can't be running to his family every time you argue. It's not just that you don't want him to. You two got married because you want to be a team. You have to work through this stuff together. Talking to a friend/family member about an issue every once in a while is one thing, but he can't be running to them with every little argument, especially a few days into marriage.
If you've already lived together for two years, marriage shouldn't be this big of an adjustment. It seems like your husband has done a complete 180, and no, that isn't normal. You shouldn't have to explain every minute of every day to him to prove that you aren't being a waste of oxygen, and the suggestion that you should is really insulting. I get that maybe he is stressed out by being the sole breadwinner after you lost your job, but taking it out on you is not the right way to handle it. I would be very concerned if I were you.
And no, of course he shouldn't be running to his family with all of this. They are always going to take his side, even when he's the one who is in the wrong. If you talk to anyone about this, it needs to be a professional counselor.
i agree with renegade. marriage is only a huge change if you let it be. and it sounds like your H is letting it be. Of course there is some adjustment that needs to be made for both people, but if you've already been living together, i'm assuming you had been sharing bills, duties, the space, etc. the only thing that really changed were rings on your fingers and now there is a marriage certificate.
Don't stress over it- I think this is somewhat normal. I'm going through something similar, and we have been married almost two months. It's almost like the stress from the wedding caused me to bottle up some other emotions? I don't really know, but I know I've blown up at him more often than I used to in the past two months. I know part of it is that I miss my family and do not know for sure the next time I will see a lot of them (I moved from Indiana to Massachusetts just over two years ago and I got to go back a lot this past year to plan the wedding.) Plus, I've been working some extra hours...the 6 day weeks really take a toll on me. I've never been great with handling stress behind closed doors. DH is amazing though and never takes anything personally. I am always sure to apologize to him and talk to him about what was really bothering me.
Just hang in there. I'm hoping it will all settle down. It has helped getting back into a routine after the wedding. It's calmed down a lot the past two weeks. Honestly, I always feel like I need something to look forward to in my life, outside of the daily grind. I think that has helped- I know I will see my sister next weekend. Two weeks after that we are taking a trip to see her in NH (which excites me since DH has never been to her place), and then my parents are making a trip out for Thanksgiving. It sounds like you just need to talk with your DH and maybe find out if there is a root cause for this. Like I said, getting back into a routine will also help. He should just be thankful things are getting done, who cares what order! I hope that is something you can point out to him...like, pick your battles! lol