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Need to get my thoughts in order
I am 29 years old and my fiance is 37, we are getting married in two months. People have already started asking 'the' question about having children and I find myself thinking about this nearly on a daily basis:
On the one hand, I think I would like to have children, normally when poeple ask I tell them that I would like to have them but not for another 5 years (it's been another five years for about five years though and the time keeps increasing), however, when I picture my future, there are no children, I am petrified of the thought of being pregnant, I am scared of pain and don't think I could ever give birth. I cannot stand being around noisy children or hearing children crying, it makes me agitated. This makes me sound really heartless, but I'm not, I love my two nieces and nephew to death and would do anything for them, but I find myself considering the possibility of never having children.
I want to discuss this with my fiance, but I have no idea how to broach the topic, I'm not even entirely sure I know his view on the matter, whenever people have asking he has always replied that it is my decision, but I want to talk to him about this before we get married since this is his potential family we are talking about.
I guess I don't really have a question, I just need to organise my thoughts and find out where exactly I stand on this topic, I am not 100% ruling out never have children, I might change my mind one day but I am mindful of the fact that my fiance is getting older and I know he doesn't want to be an older father.
Sorry for this weird tangent, I just don't know where to start searching for the answers I want/need...
Re: Need to get my thoughts in order
Try something along this line ... "Hey hon. So and So was joking about us starting a family the other day and I didn't quite know what to tell him/her. What do you say when people mention it to you?"
That should open the communication a bit. What if he's a never ever? Will it change your mind since you're on the fence?
Ugh, I could of written your post word for word!
My husband and I married under the agreement that we wouldn't have kids. We are both almost 35. We are the last of our friends that are childless.
Now that Im older and all of our friends have kids, I find myself wondering if Im making the right decision. I wake up and go to bed thinking about this, and my biggest fear is I will regret NOT having them. I wish someone had a magic book that could tell me what to do.
There are days where I think, well maybe one child. But then Ill go out without a care, and just have to worry about myself, or plan my next caribbean vacation, and think , no way I cant give this up.
I wasnt much help, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your thoughts. I brought it up with my husband and he tells me its my decision and he wouldnt care either way, which isnt much help. But you should talk to your future husband about it and not be afraid to bring it up to him. Maybe he will help with your doubts. Good luck!
You can always make one decision and then change your mind. Just because being BNOTB works for you now, that doesn't mean you have to stay locked into it forever. Circumstances change. People grow and adapt.
It may be right for you later in life whereas it's not now.
Fresh wound here..i posted earlier on this board.
My bf has discussed this with me....oh an hour ago and I have made the bed in the spare room drinking wine silly.
I just found out my career is goign to take off today and my bf wants to leave me cause I do not want the same things in life. It is like a wham whammo all in the same day! YES!
You need to be on the same page. It was unfortunately a break for me.
Devestated at the moment because I love him :-(
@boxofdelights - I am so sorry, thank you for your advice.
I now I need to speak with my fiance, if for no other reason than to see what he thinks, I cannot and should not be making these decisions on my own.
Thank you all for your advice, it has given me much to think about and I know I will feel better once I have spoken with him about this.
Thanks again.
this is where pre-marital counselling comes into play...to have facilitated discussions about the potential 'deal breakers' BEFORE you get married. Theres some things that they talk about about in pre-marital counselling that we would have never discussed or would have assumed we had the same thoughts about had it not been brought up by a 3rd party....
I strongly suggest pre-marital counselling.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
I realized shortly after posting this that this could be taken out of context.
What I mean is when you talk with your fiance, you have more than two options (make babies or never have children) to discuss. You have lots of choices like fostering, mentoring (big brother/big sister), or adoption. Talk about all your options.
Thank you all again, I am planning on sitting down with my fiance tonight and talking to him about it, and suggesting that we do premarital counselling so that we both know what we are going into and that we are going into this on the same page and have each other's backs.
I feel much less clueless now, and have a bit courage to bring it up with FI instead of internalising everything.
I totally get the fear of childbirth and the fear of annoying crying kids and the fear of being tied down. It doesn't necessarily mean you're never going to have kids.
Have kids when you want to. And if that time doesn't come that's okay too. You don't need to have kids. You also don't need to make your mind up right now. But you should be honest with your partner about how you feel. If your fiance is really, really intent on having lots of kids, talk to him about it. If your fiance hasn't told you about whether or not he wants kids or is wishywashy on it, talk to him about it. Actually, just talk to him about it. You don't need to have your mind made up when you talk to him. He can be a part of your process too.
Hi charbakes - I am glad I am not the only one, every time I mention it people automatically respond with 'But you forget it as soon as you see your baby'
So I am glad I am not the only person who fears it.
I spoke to my FI last night about it, as I suspected, he is on the fence about it too, and has the same worries as me (regarding his age, my comfort etc.) There is also a lot we want to do...before children so we have decided that we will talk about it again in two years to see where we are at in our lives together and whether we are ready or not, to start a family.
A part of me doesn't want to say a definite no to have kids (or kid) I think at some point I will seriously consider it, but now is not that time, another part of me feels like if I don't have them, I am giving up something that others would do anything for.
My sister and my best friend are unable to have children and they get horribly offended when I tell them that I don't know if I will have them, they think that because my reproductive system works perfectly fine, that I should just have babies and be happy that I can.
It must be difficult for them to not be able to conceive when they want to but that does not excuse them saying things like that to you. Children are human beings! It would be selfish to create a new life just because you can. The only people who should have children are people who are ready to PARENT!