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How to deal w/ impossible parents/in-laws?
Ok, I've posted about my ILs a handful of times. Bear with me, this is long...
Me and my husband got married about a week and a half ago. The night of our wedding and the day after, his parents wouldn't leave us alone. They came out to eat with us and some friends the night of the wedding, they followed us to the venue the day after when we went to pick up some remaining items. Then, that same night, his Dad called him, called me, then texted him "You must give me a call." (If you remember my prior post, his old man has a habit of send cryptic messages, implying a major emergency has taken place, when in reality its all nonsense).
Before we say our final goodbyes, my husband says "I will talk to you when we get home from our honeymoon." Meaning, don't call us! Throughout the honeymoon, I sent a few emails with updates, and to simply stay in touch. His Dad knew we were scheduled to have a private, candlelit dinner one night, and called our room as we were getting ready to head out. Conversation didn't last terribly long, maybe 15 mins, but still... leave us alone, we're on our honeymoon. (Before anyone asks, did my husband handle it approrpriately? No. His line of reasoning was "I don't want to get into an argument before a romantic dinner." Understandable, yes, but I still told him I expected more.)
We get home last night and go to their house to pick up our dog (they watched her) and give them their souveniers/gifts. The whole time, his Dad is monopolizing the conversation talking about "Well, when I went to Jamaica, I did this..." We couldn't get a word in edgewise. It was annoying because we were jazzed about what we just experienced and came to tell them about it, and didn't really get much of an opportunity to talk about it.
Now, I have to add, we are on the second leg of our honeymoon, heading to the beach tomorrow. Today, his Mom calls him and leaves a nasty voicemail saying "Tomorrow is your Pop-Pop's birthday, you better call him. I don't care that you're on your honeymoon, I don't care what you're doing, you better make time to call him." My husband immediately called her back and told her to stop treating him like a child, that he is a grown man, responsible for maintaining his relationship with his grandparents. Here's the rub... she responds with "I'm an awful parent. Parents make mistakes sometimes. I knew I shouldn't have done that." Emotional manipulation at its best. She has a bad habit of doing this... she makes a mistake, you call her out, and she tries to play you. And you CAN NOT get through to her.
Bottom line, we're both royally pissed both and not sure how to handle. Three times now, they've managed to create distress during what's supposed to be a relaxing, stress-free time, that's about US, not THEM. In the past, he's tried explaining that they treat him like a child. That he's a grown man that needs his own time without their interference. And it's gottehn him nowhere. The incessant phone calls continued, along with the cryptic text messages, the nasty voicemails, the guilt trips. Since that never worked, he more recently has been playing it differently, not addressing things as they come, letting it go, etc. But it's been intensifying since the engagement/wedding. I don't think they want to accept he's an adult and married and starting a family of his own (he's an only child).
So, how do we handle this? Should he have a sit-down with them? Address issues as they come? I think he's been hesitant to do this because 1 - it gets him absolutely nowhere and 2 - it has gone array in the past (big arguments, not speaking for weeks, etc). I've explained to him that he needs to give them consequences for negative actions... but what? I personally don't think any of this warrents threatening to end the relationship. So what else can we do in terms of consequences? HOW DO WE DEAL WITH IMPOSSIBLE PARENTS/ILs???
Re: How to deal w/ impossible parents/in-laws?
No, they don't get the hint. That's the problem. He will ignore phone calls for days on end, and his Dad will continue to call, text, then his Mom will start in. Then they call me. It just doesn't stop. When they finally do talk, when my husband actually has the time, he gets "Did you get my calls? Did you read my text? Hear my voicemails?" Goes on and on. When we see them in person they've said to me "It would be nice if he answered our calls." So, there in lies the problem. They DO NOT get the hint. Whether you blatantly ignore them OR try to address it. It never stops. We're at our wits end. And it's getting worse. Both of them (his parents) play off each other and get one another all riled up. They have this strange attachment to my husband and can't seem to accept he's a man. He's nearly 30 years old and they want him to be an intregal part in their lives - his Dad wants to talk to him about every detail of every single day that passes. It's a role my husband simply can't play because they are too needy, too dysfunctional. My post may not do it justice but this is the last 10+ years of his life. And now it's wriggling into my life since we share our lives. If you need more examples, say the word, I got years worth....
Time for the "Come to Jesus" talk.
Both of you sit down with both parents and tell them that you are establishing rules about phone calls. Agree together beforehand on what is reasonable and acceptable. (be flexible if one of you need more time than the other)
If they call and it's not an emergency, kindly say that it's not a good time to talk and you will return their call at _____ (acceptable time)
Not necessary to be mean, just very firm. Eventually they will get it.
If days doesn't work, you ignore for weeks. It's obvious from what you describe that giving them an inch means they not going to let up any time soon. You sit down with them, tell them you love then and appreciate them but that you want time and space to start your lives. Tell them you'll talk to them once a week (or whatever you agree is reasonable) but that, aside from that, you won't be answering their messages unless there is an emergency. Then you stick to it.
When they say "did you get our calls / texts / emails"?
You respond "yes, we did. We chose to ignore them. You call too often and it's annoying."
Will his feelings be hurt? Yes, but you will have to be direct. As in "hit him over the head" direct.
If I were you, I would not take any of their calls. You are not their daughter, it's not your obligation to deal with them. In the future, if your H starts talking to his parents, go on doing whatever you planned without waiting (go to the car, start dinner without him, etc.).
I would also stop using them as pet babysitters.
Yes, it's annoying and strange behavior, but I think you are taking some of this too personally. They came with you to dinner on their only son's wedding night. That doesn't seem an outrageous thing to me.
They called your hotel in Jamaica right before your romantic candlelit dinner that they knew you were having - first off, why are you telling them that say, Wednesday at 7pm Jamaica time we are having a candle lit dinner. Why are you giving them that sort of detail? So you give them that ridiculous amount of detail and then are surprised when they call right before you were due to leave for dinner. Stop giving them that much detail.
As for them calling you at the hotel - your answer should have been "is everything okay? Is there an emergency? No? Okay, we're on our way out the door, we will talk to you when we get back." Then hang up.
You get texts from them all day? Don't respond.They ask why you didn't respond? You figured you would speak to them later and it slipped your mind. They constantly call? Don't answer.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Agreed, I am not their daughter. But they don't see it that way. They see me now and their son's wife, his second half, their new patsy. They never used to call me until the few months leading up to the wedding. Now, whenever they can't get a hold of my husband, they call me. Normally I'd say this is acceptable (a handful of times my Mom has called my husband when she can't reach me, but it's always for something important). His parents on the other hand, they know he ignores their calls. So to call me when he doesn't want to speak with them, that puts me in a really crappy position, right? Like now the onus is on me too. I don't want that, I don't want to be too heavily involved in this relationship and all its dysfunction. I'm happy to be a participant in trying to fix things, i.e. setting boundaries, expectations, helping to explain my husband's point of view. But they don't seem to want to hear it. They want what they want, when they want it. And if they have to use me to get it, they will. It's manipulative and I don't like being treated that way.
i'm not sure why you expected them to suddenly realize how over bearing they are just becuase it was your wedding and HM. if you really didn't want them to go to dinner with you you should've said so!!! otherwise how will they know?! we tell people time and time again on here-marriage doesn't fix issues-it magnifies them. here is the proof.
so dont answer the phone when they call you. let it go to voice mail. why on earth you gave them 15 minutes to talk when you were in a hurry going out to dinner is beyond me. the PP said it right-you should've said exactly what she wrote. why did you bother emailing them when you told them to leave you alone?
to me it seems like DH tells them one thing and then a lot of the time does the opposite-that dinner call is my example.
if they text you something seemingly urgent ask them 'what is this about, is someone hurt?' if the answer is no you can respond 'i will call you tomorrow then'. i understand wanting to mae sure everyone is ok but you also have to speak to them when it's convenient for YOU.
I would be annoyed too. When I went off to college, my parents called me non-stop, sent me AIM's (remember those? god I feel old) and emails. If I didn't reply it was a huge deal. They would send me messages at 9pm saying "go to bed" if I was online. So I blocked them. My mom went through her usual guilt trip of "oh so and so asks me how you are and I have no idea because you blocked me." OH WELL. It's ok for parents to have their feelings hurt. Set boundaries and stick to it. I am totally un-phased by guilt trips at this point in my life. If they call/text just say "Hey we will call on Friday and catch up about the week" and set a routine that you talk on the phone on Fridays and be done with it. I would have turned off my phone during the honeymoon and not emailed them at all knowing how they are but you can't turn back time.
To add - my parents still *remind* me about every birthday and how I have to call, send a card, etc. My dad reminded me it was their anniversary 3 times last week and to "call mom". When I didn't call by 4pm I got another reminder. Oh well, you can't change people but you can change how you respond to them.
I honestly have no advice other than what some of the other PP's have said....that really does suck that you have to deal with this, and ultimately, it needs to be your H to put his foot down and decide if he is your H first, or their son. If not, it's going to affect your marriage and get worse once things like having children come into the mix. There needs to be serious consequences to their behavior or they are never going to leave you guys alone. Do not let them bully you guys into being at their beck and call whenever/whereever....really - you need to put your foot down.
I actually had a friend recommend reading this book called Toxic Inlaws....I know, the title sounds a lot worse than it actually is, but I picked it up and really found some helpful advice and insight to my inlaws behavior. There was a whole section about inlaws like yours - I forget what category they would fall under, but I would recommend you picking up and that both of you read it so you can use some of the strategies laid out in there. That, and take the advice these ladies are giving you here....GL
My MIL did this to me. Can't get ahold of H she would call, text or email. I ended it by not responding. Not telling H about it. Stop feeding into it & rewarding them, cut off the new person they think they have. Also, no information to them on anything. They ask a question redirect them to something off topic. They get upset simply say, sorry don't and will not answer that. Good Luck.
I know you're having a really rough time, but I'm not sure if you're willing to take advice (opposed to defending your side on every comment made on here - example, bolding your answer inside someone's response). That being said, here is what I have to say to you.
When I studied family systems, I learned about this spectrum. Picture them on one end of a line and you two on the other end. There is a distance you feel comfortable maintaining. There is a distance they feel comfortable maintaining. As you increase this "distance" they will move toward you on this line to keep the distance the safe amount they need, which may appear to be this annoying/nagging behavior. (Ex: I call my mom all the time and she likes it sometimes but sometimes complains she's busy. If I stop calling her, she eventually calls me asking where I am and why I haven't called. It's funny, actually.)
I agree with PP's who have suggested establishing clear boundaries. It may be harder for this with their son (he is their only child and maybe someday you will have children and see where they are coming from), but he or you can convey that you're not really a phone person or you're a private person and you need a certain degree of separation. They are his parents though, and they do want to be involved in his life, so I wouldn't cut them cold turkey. I would just try to establish a relationship that you can maintain. Marriage is compromise and unfortunately you can't just cut them out of his life. Agree that you will call once a week or see them every whenever... I think you're going to have to give them something to make them happy. They do have a son, he is married now, but he isn't dead.
Amen! You are absolutely right. I definitely need to adjust my expectations here. And yes, we also need to speak up. It's easier said than done though... it would be really hard to hang up them, tell them to leave us alone, etc. But if that's what we gotta do, then so be it. Wish us luck with that!!
Thanks ladies for all the sound advice.
Me or them? I told him that. I said "You have the choice of upsetting them or upsetting me, your wife. Sorry, but these are the cards you were dealt and you have to deal." We got a game plan for the rest of our honeymoon week (phones off!). And if sh!t hits the fan when we get back and he calls them, he's going to deal with it.
I will absolutely pick up that book. Because as much as they are the problem, I know I have a problem too in that I need to learn how manage this. Instead of getting pissed, I need to learn how to cope, how to communicate with them, how to move on, etc. I hang onto this sh!t far too long and that's my fault.
Thanks again!
I like your analogy of the spectrum. And I would never cut them out or insist my husband end the relationship. I said none of this warrants that, and I wholeheartedly believe that. The issue is that, you give them an inch, they want a mile. If I move up a centimeter on the spectrum, they move up a foot. Example, emailing them a handful of times throughout the honeymoon. I figured, that's the best way to communicate - it appeases them in wanting to be involved, it keeps the lines of communcation open. But clearly it wasn't enough. He called our room, he even asked "Didn't you get my responses to your emails? Because you never emailed me back." When my husband talked to his Dad that night, his Dad asked "Why is my DIL emailing me? Why aren't you?" When we saw them the night we got home, his Dad made a comment that "It seems strange to me to hear more from my DIL than my own son." Despite the fact that we had explained several times, we only had one device that was able to make emails... it happened to be my ipod with my email. Not good enough. That's the rub. We try to make them happy, try to satisfy them, try to appease them, and it does us no good. The alternative would have been to go incommunicado, and I now realize that's the route I should have taken. Which would have been a different conversation when we got home, I'm sure... "Why weren't you able to check in? Why didn't you call?" Dollars to donuts, we would have recieved more than one phone call that would have ultimately led to an argument had I NOT emailed. So that's our problem. It's not that they want to be involved, want to talk to their son... that I don't mind, how could I? The problem is that it's never good enough.
Yea, it's a bit tricky because the last thing you really want to do is bust out the 'me or them' card unless it really comes to the point where your H just does whatever mommy and daddy tell him blah blah....if it is annoying him too though - he definitely needs to put his foot down and stop being a pushover with them. It's not unreasonable for a parent to want to talk to their child, yes, but calling a ridiculous amount of times then giving you guys the 3rd degree is a bit excessive. My inlaws do that to us too sometimes - my MIL will also call me when she can't reach my H. The worst is when it happens after we've had a late night out and don't want to be bothered with anyone, so neither one of us pick up the phone. lol
And YES - for goodness sakes turn off your phones!!!! When we were on our honeymoon, we did not even look at our phones or go near a computer for email...you guys should be busy doing other things and not even thinking about anything/anyone else
You say they don't get the hint, but I'm wondering how long you really are going w/ ignoring them before you cave because you feel guilty.
And honestly- it's l9ike a child. They pretty much know "if we just keep calling for week, they'll cave".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yep, you and Kuus are totally right. Lesson learned on my part. I thought I was doing the right thing, I certainly had good intentions, but clearly it didnt work out. Needless to say, this was an education.
My husband will ingore them for days, he usually calls on Sundays. Whenever they call me because they've tried him, I don't answer... ever. I've answered on other occassions and have a fine conversation for the most part. Until I get, "can you please make sure H calls us? Just remind him for me." I recently responded - "Husband's a big boy, he makes his own decisions." So we're making progress, I've got the ball rolling on putting my foot down. But we still have some work to do.
Thanks for the insight and the kick in the ass, I needed it!
In fairness though, when I go on vacation, particularly overseas, I will just shoot my family a quick email to let them know we made it ok, but beyond that, they don't hear from me again until I return. My honeymoon though....no one heard a peep from us the entire time we were gone and no one bothered us while we were gone either.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10