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Is this normal?
My husband and I have been married for just over 2 months. I love him so much, but lately I don't want sex. At all. This has been going on for almost a month. If he tries to make a move on me, I'll just sort of brush it off and take care of him in other ways. Some nights I'm too tired (physically or mentally) so I just let him have sex with me. He hasn't noticed my disinterest, or if he has he hasn't said anything about it.
I've never particularly liked sex. He doesn't seem to care if I have an orgasm or enjoy myself. There is little to no foreplay. I guess he really thinks if he's ready to go then so am I.
I think I'm just tired of sex only being for him. Every time we do it, all I feel is resentment. He's all happy and wants to cuddle and kiss, and I just want to roll over and go to sleep. I'm just sick of it, I wish sex didn't exist. I don't know what to do. I don't want our relationship to suffer because of this.
Re: Is this normal?
I don't think I'd like sex either if my husband didn't care if I had an orgasm or if I was enjoying myself. You say you don't want your relationship to suffer because of this, but if you don't address this issue together, eventually it will. It sounds like this has been an issue with your and your husband since before you were married - has he always been focused only on his pleasure? And have you ever spoken to him about it? If not, it's time you do, and if you have, it sound like you may need to talk again.
It also sounds like you're not very vocal about your needs/likes. Maybe he thinks you are enjoying yourself because you haven't said anything. You could try calmly explain to him that while he may just be ready to go, that you, like many women, need a little foreplay to get in the mood. Tell him you love it or it feels so good when he _________. Maybe you can take the reigns one night and show him what you'd like.
Or when he's done, you can always just say, yay, now it's my turn!
Do something that makes you feel sexy. Get a tan, buy some lingerie, wax, take some sexy photos, watch a porno!
He probably has noticed your disinterest and that may make him feel like there's no point in pleasing you (men are simple like that)
Make an effort to make yourself happy before expecting him to. If there is something you want him to do, tell him or show him. Be specific.
That is exactly it. Sex can not only be not enjoyable without foreplay but it can actually be painful for women. This is not normal, but it's not uncommon either. You need to tell him what you want/need to get into the mood. I think men like a littler direction, and should want to satisfy their wife.
You need to figure out what you like in the bedroom. Maybe try reading some racy books or check online for inspiration? I was surprised how much love scenes in books can turn you on. Then as un-romantic as it is, you need to spell it out for your man that you need foreplay. I bet if you tell him you don't enjoy sex and that he is not pleasing you (in a way that won't damage his self-esteem, of course) he will be more eager to please. Men are oblivious about sex most the time, when they are ready to go, they think 'ok go'. He might even think you are orgasming and thinks he's doing it right! If you tell him what he is doing isn't working, he most likely going to be a great student and want to learn! Also, if my man does do something I like, I tell him right there, right then. I guarantee if you say, 'i love it when you...' he is likely to repeat that action.
Do you not like sex because it is painful? Or do you not feel much at all? I know most women can't O with sex, only oral. So that could be the problem. If it's only been a month though, try to think about what has changed. Does he want sex more, so you are noticing your disinterest more? Or is there something you are really stressed about? Did he do something else that makes you feel resentful/angry? Talk to your hubby and tell him completely openly how you are feeling. Have a test drive one night where you focus on foreplay for a long time, and then end with sex. And don't have sex until you know you are turned on or have already O'd. See if that makes it better for you.
Sex should feel good and make you happy, not feel down. If you think its a major issue, and it continues like this, it could be something to talk to your gyno about. She may be able to help you if you have a hormonal imbalance or some other medical issue that is effecting your libido.
Good luck!
All of this. I know there are times when I am not in the mood because I am just not in the mood, but there have been times when it because I don't feel given enough attention, or like its more for him then it is for me, because sometimes it does kinda hurt...
I got really emotional about it one night because I felt guilty that as a newlywed I didnt want sex, that I wasnt having fun, and that H wasnt getting 'any'....H was so shocked that I had never brought any of my concerns up with him before, and since has put more effort into forplay, and I feel more empowered to say "hey honey, it kinda hurts do you mind if we don't tonight?" Also telling him exactally what I want in the moment helps a lot!
I think a lot of us have this idea that guys are just supposed to get what we want...when we never tell them! Thats not a fair standard, especially when its something that signficant to your relationship...which a healthy sex life is! So talk to him about what you want...what can help you get in the mood...and look up online or elsewhere of tips and things YOU can do to help yourself get in the mood...don't leave it ALL up to him!
My Blog:Through My Eyes
I was lurking and figured I'd throw my $0.02. I've been married a little over 2 years. I was on a BCP that pretty much killed any desire I had, so I didn't really care if we had sex ever again.
Once I was off the BCP.... It was totally different.
Also.... you really need to figure out what turns you on. Read a sexy series (like Diana Gabaldon's Outlander), masturbate... and report back to your husband. He needs to know.
Even if you don't feel sexy at the time, if you start acting sexy and horny it might even help you get in the mood.
It's normal to be tired and not into it sometimes. You don't need to have sex every night of the week or even once a week (your hormones play a huge part in how easy it is to get aroused). IMHO cuddling and affection is probably more important than sex.
Talk. To. Him.
He's not a mindreader. You have to tell him how you feel and what you want.
So..have you ever actually expressed that you would like him to care if you orgasm and if you two did foreplay? And I am not talking about express with your body language and him picking up on it. I am talking about you sitting him down and saying " It is extremely hard for me to enjoy sex because we don't do foreplay and I never get off"
Communication is key. Guys are not mind readers and you should never expect them to just know things.
He's never cared if you had an orgasm???
My goodness. WHY did you marry this inconsiderate slug???
Making sure you are satisfied and happy covers all territories -- the bedroom included. If he cannot ensure you are happy sexually, wow, what do you need him for???
You need to sit down with him and have a frank and open talk about your sex life.
He needs to slow down and he needs to take his time. I am guessing that he is sexually inexperienced and that he's been mostly masturbating. Ha -- if you've got a fist and some lube, what do you need foreplay FOR???
What I suggest:
A frank talk -- that you and he need to start making your sex life happy and healthy and satisfiying to the both of you.
You probably have never had an orgasm: masturbate, masturbate, masturbate.Find out the whys and wherefores of what makes you orgasm. And then show HIM.
So you just let him jump on, have at it, dump his load and that's it???
How the heck is this satisfying for anybody, or healthy, for that matter??
Oye....
The horse is long long out of the barn on this one. Once you found out that he wasn't into making sure you were sexually satisfied, you should have moved on -- and got yourself a guy who thinks you are hot as hell.
I suggest, in addition to masturbation for you and a frank talk with your H, sex manuals --- and marriage counseling.
You and he need to learn how to COMMUNICATE.
Judging by your post, i see that neither you nor he know how to communicate.
Let us know what happens. Don't let this problem go and don't let it fester. As you can see, the topic is already loaded and ready to explode; sex, like religion and money, are the 3 biggies a couple will vehemently argue over.
And I agree with the other "outside" factors: BCPs, certain meds, possible underlying conditions like a thyroid problem or a hormone deficiency. Get yourself a complete checkup; it very well could be that BCPs are the culprit; switch over to a non hormonal birth control method. That problem will be fixed....
But there is still the problem that you are having with the H: he needs to hold up his end of the bargain on this one.