Trouble in Paradise
amh0208
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
just venting but any advise is welcome
I really think I just need to vent alittle bit, I am so incredibly over my marriage, my husband, everything. We are in so much debt its redic but he can some how affored to buy massive ammounts of beer and weed, whcih is a whole other issue besides the money . I just found out that I have pcos and possibly Cushings and he has not asked me one time about this at all,no how do you feel about this are you OK nothing, but if I ever get angry he asks me if I've taken my medicine, which just pisses me off even more. I have asked him hundreds of times to drink and smoke less, but he wont even really answer me, he just says he is stressed. conversation over. We fight about everything, he wont help me do anything at all, everything from doing dishes to giving dogs thier meds and letting out to go to the bathroom at night is my responsibility bc he "never thinks about it". Then when the topic of children comes up (which we both want) and I say that I'm not going to be having kids with a man who still hot boxes his car and cant be bothered to let dogs out at night, he gets mad and tells me I'm being ridiculous. I am 28 years old and I feel like I live in a frat house and I kind of can't take it anymore. We were together through college and he was not like this, we both were "partiers" in high school and I thought we both kind of just grew out of it but apparently it was just me. I just don't really know what happened and I guess I just needed to get it out, I feel like who ever else I try to talk to about this either has an opinion already or doesn't want to get involved. So if anyone actually read this despite the probably numerous spelling and grammar errors and probably hard to follow-ness, feel free to give me any advise I'm at my wits end.
Re: just venting but any advise is welcome
Why are you still with him?
I'm not sure what advice you're looking for beyond DTMFA, because that's exactly what I'd do.
Yea, I would hate to tell someone to get a divorce, but your H sounds like an immature loser and you deserve better. And yes, while you guys are still young, you are not that young where he should still be acting like this. Having a beer once in a while is one thing, but drinking smoking weed and constant partying/being irresponsible is unacceptable and disrespectful. Do not have children with this man too because it's not going to make things better or make your H magically grow up.
If you are really wanting to save this marriage - then counseling for both of you together - although I do not think counseling will help. I had a friend who just got divorced from her H for the same bs and he refused counseling....well, he went to one session, said it was a load of crap and didn't go back. Cut your losses and get out now before you waste any more time with this guy.
but he can some how affored to buy massive ammounts of beer and weed, whcih is a whole other issue besides the money
"He" can some how afford massive beer and pot???
SHikeys....this is also YOUR money!!! When you get married, any moneys that are acquired by each party are now an "OUR" money thing!!!
Do not stand for this bullshit one second longer.
He needs AA (and maybe rehab; a doc needs to make that choice) and you need to read him the riot act about his massive beer drinking and say goodbye to him.
Life with a drunk is no life at all.
This is not normal imbibing. Normal imbibing is maybe a beer or 2 after work, a few days a week.
The massive beer imbibing is the biggest problem of them all.
If he will not see the light on this, I'd fairly much tell him to hit the road. And get yourself to AlAnon whether or not you stay with this slug --- since you're/were married to somebody who drinks far too much, you need a support group like AlAnon.
Not to mention he is inconsiderate, doesn't care about you or your health, is lazy, confrontational, has spent you into lawdy know what kind of debt --- and I am willing to bet quite a lot of that debt went toward the barman and the dope peddler.
What you need to do:
Show this guy the door and do not delay.
The rest of what is happening? Chickenfeed compared to the fact he's got a drinking problem and a problem with pot.
Without delay:
Run a credit check on yourself and on him -- and have a look at every single credit card statement for cards that he gets his mitts on -- see what charges are there and if you do not see a fanilar charge, call the number of the service and ask what service they provide.
Safe guard your assets -- an addict will bankrupt you.
And when all's ready, file. You don't need a drunk, you do not need a weedhead and you sure don't need an inconsiderate slug who cares nothing about you. This relationship was over months ago.
Sorry for your troubles.
He will NOT drink and smoke less.
Only he can be the one to realize the boozing and the massive pot smoking needs to go and only then will he get help for his problem.
My best friend just recently left a guy who acted just like your husband (exactly!!)
She was 30. She is a completely different person now, full of happiness and met a great guy. Don't waste your time. She told me its the best decision she ever made.
You and he are at 2 different sides of the coin. And his side of the coin says that he doesn't even care to be married and that he doesn't care if he throws away his savings, his life, his health and his marriage on an addiction.
He's got 2 lovers: Pot and booze. You're outnumbered. Please do yourself a favor: get rid of this piece of drunken deadweight. Do as I have strongly suggested: finances in a row, run a credit check on you and on him and safeguard every asset you've got. And then file and get out. Enough is enough and he'll drag you down with his addiction and bankrupt your savings and your self esteem in the bargain.
You will also need to see a bankruptcy attorney. This is why I am telling you to keep your assets and money safe. I do not know how much debt there is or how it was acquired (I still say a lot of it went toward beer and pot) but you need to know where you stand on this issue. This is why you need a bankruptcy attorney, in addition to a divorce attorney.
Enough is enough.
Do not tell him you plan to file. Just very quietly contact the attorneys you need --- and then when all's said and done in that department, bid this drunk adieu.
He's woefully immture also. As you said, you partied in high school. Yeah, well somebody needs to tell your H that it isn't 2002 anymore. Pity he didn't get the newsflash, or his calendar is stuck in a time warp or something.:(
ETA: Stress and less than ideal living conditions are poison to autoimmune and chronic diseases. You need him like you need a chocolate teapot.
THANK YOU for realizing you don't need to birth this man's offspring. Kudos to you!
I don't think I have any advice though. Your husband is a lazy burnout. You might suggest counseling to help, but really I think you just need to take a look at your life and decide whether it is what you want for the rest of your life. If not, get out now and start making a better one for yourself.
Good luck!
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
Oh honey, huge hugs from me. I've got Sarcoidosis and the steroids brought on Cushings. It's freaking horrible, but it can improve. I'm fortunate that my husband is very supportive (and near militant with my health!) but I couldn't imagine going through this without some serious support from my spouse.
My personal opinion is that you are only 28, cut your losses, divorce this guy, chalk it up to a "starter marriage" and move on with your life. It's not worth it, and even if things do improve, how much improvement is really realistic here?
The guy smokes weed (doesn't bother me, but the amount would). Hotboxing your car is something we did as teenagers, not now. He drinks a lot (that would bother me for sure), won't help with the house or the dog and generally sounds like kind of an ass. He may well be a very nice, kind hearted and funny guy with lots of great qualities, but these ones are severe enough to negate the good ones.
As for the cushings - just keep reminding yourself that it doesn't have to be permanent and that your friends and family love you for who you are, not how you look and feel.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Ummm...ya I don't have much advice either. Your h is a useless sack of you know what. I'm sure you are aware that you must get rid of him, let alone have children with him. His brain cells are so dead he can't do anything. What would he do with a child? Forget it needs it's diaper changed, feed him or god forbid it needs meds for some reason and he forgets???
Man.......
Ummm...ya I don't have much advice either. Your h is a useless sack of you know what. I'm sure you are aware that you must get rid of him, let alone have children with him. His brain cells are so dead he can't do anything. What would he do with a child? Forget it needs it's diaper changed, feed him or god forbid it needs meds for some reason and he forgets???
Man.......
This is a scary thought in itself.
I knew of a case where a guy we knew dropped lots and lots of acid --- they theorize that it killed his short term memory.
And drinking a lot and smoking to excess, I am surem can do funky things to your memory and your brains.
You know what to do....trust your gutt....it is SOOOOO right! Good luck and get out there and BE HAPPY!!!