Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Any advice would be great!
Give it to me bad, good, anything. Just need to vent a little bit and get some different advice. I have been a member here since prior to getting married, but, had to create a new name in case the husband finds this post.
Here's where we are at.
We got together in Sept. 2006, quickly got pregnant, found out I was pregnant in Feb. of 2007. Had our 1st son in Oct. 2007. Had our 2nd son in June of 2010. Just recently found out that he does not believe in God, I do. I want our children too. He is verbally abusive towards the kids, spanks them, yells at them, gets in their faces to yell. Our almost 5 year old says that he "dont like daddy", wont let the husband do anything for our son. His anger issues have been ongoing for the last 5 years.
This past week, I have said that either you get therapy and sign the waiver (so I can call the therapist and make sure he's going, not to check up on him), or we are done.
We are a prior military family and he's been to Agfanstian in 2010 as well. He is saying that he has PTSD (never diagnosed with it) . His anger issues have been since we have been together, when our oldest son was about a month old, he wouldn't stop crying, the husband punched a hole in the door because of it (husband's excuse was that "he was a new father") We had a dog as well, and he was very mean to the dog, enough for me to find a new home for the dog.
He is now going to therapy again (2nd time going) and swears he's going to change. Swears that he will be different, but, I have heard this all before.. It was almost every month that I would tell him that the yelling has to stop, he's not a drill sergeant towards the kids.
I'm just not sure where to draw the line and leave. I'm a stay at home mom, so he is the one with the income. I know that I have to prep myself and the kids just in case.
I'm just trying to figure out if anyone else has been in a verbally abusive relationship and the person has "changed".
I do love him, I don't love how he treats our kids.
It's confusing, I'm sure. I'm even confused myself. He's begging me to stay, and right now, I'm just prepping myself just in case.
Any advice would be great, helpful. Thank you so much ladies!!
Re: Any advice would be great!
This is tough. On one hand, he is a soldier, and a lot of soldiers have trouble returning to mainstream. In addition to insisting on counseling, you should reach out to see what kind of recovery systems the military would offer him. Even if he is out, he may still have retained some of the benefits. He may also benefit from parenting classes that may be held locally by hospitals, State Child Services, etc.
His #1 priority should be to get help for his issues. YOUR #1 priority should be the safety and wellbeing of your children. Since you see that he is not behaving properly (and apparently never has) I think you should see a legal separation from him. Live separatly until he either proves himself in recovery, or doesn't.
As to the religion thing, if it's important to you, then one of the tenants of reunification should be that while HE doesn't have to go to church, he cannot stand in the way of you raising the children with Faith. This includes verbally undermining what you're teaching them.
Best of luck to you!
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
Wow. Sorry to hear you are dealing with that. I'll snap at my kids some times, but always try to pull myself back because I know it's not the mother I want to be or the mother that they deserve. If he can't do that on his own or with your gentle guidance then he needs to be in therapy for his anger issues. I don't think I've ever suggested therapy to someone before, because I'm not entirely sold on it, but in this case I'd say that it was not only a condition, but THE condition of you and the kids staying with him.
Be clear to him that his anger toward the family is extreme and unfair to the kids. You know that he loves them and you know that he loves you but he needs to change how he reacts to things because it isn't how you want to be raising your family.
That he doesn't believe in God wouldn't be a big deal to me.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
My goodness....I'm sorry you're going through this. I really feel for your children. My parents were very angry people and were never meant to be parents. They would take their anger out on me, be verbally and physically abusive.
I understand he's a soldier (and that's a wonderful thing to be proud of), but you said he was like this when you started dating right? Was this before he signed up for the military?
If he is not willing to get help, you MUST and I mean you MUST take your children out of this environment. Take it from someone who has been through this. Everything they are experiencing right now will stay with them. I remember alot from when I was around 3 and 4 years of age and they are not all good memories. I couldn't imagine your poor children having to go through this all the time and it really breaks my heart.
Do something now....
YOU LEAVE.
And you take the kids.
This is fullstop and period. No questions asked and no 2 ways about it.
This very very easily can escalate into full on physical violence.
Take the kids and go when he is not home -- go to a women's shelter, your parents' house, a good friend's home --- anywhere but there.
This is a horrific atmosphere -- and a horrific example of a "Dad" and marriage --- for your kids to be exposed to. Get them out of there, and yourself also, before something else happens.
Wishing you luck.
Sell your wedding ring and ering if you need money. You have to have money of your own; safeguard your assets and make sure he can't get his hands on it.
He is also woefully immature: punched a well because he's a new father??? UNACCEPTABLE.
And that you have been tolerating this bullshit for 5 years is horrendous --- not acceptable either and for some reason you stayed with this creep anyway: I blame it on a zero self esteem and the fact that "gee there are kids so where would I go.....".
Get out now.
Therapy won't instill maturity into this guy --- just go, take the kids and start a new life without him.
The change in his belief in a higher being? That's meaningless compared to what's happening here -- and wow, you are putting more emphasis on that than the fact that he treats you and the kids horribly and uses verbal abuse in the bargain.
Why in the world would you have had a second chlid with this nightmare?
I will never, ever understand woman who procreate with aszholes.
The abuse and his anger problems was on going and she decided to squeeze out another chalupa???
Sis, you should have hit the road the second you saw where his anger problems were at. In fact, you should have run like hell.
It floors me how you tolerated his anger --- wow, you leave when you see any type of extreme anger display. Why did you stay? because there was a kiddo in the picture and you made your bed and now you lie in it???
Anger problems are a dealbreaker, the same as an addiction is and the same as adultery and infidelity is. There's no 2 ways about it: you leave.
Give serious thought to taking the kids and leaving as soon as you can -- do it when he is not home. Just GO.
How the EFF have you known this a-hole for six years and are only just now finding out he's an abusive atheist*. And WHY is there even a question of what you should do? Get a protection order and keep him the hell away from you and your kids.
*Please note: I'm not saying atheists are bad people by definition. But that's something OP really should have known about him a long time ago and parted ways if she intended to raise her kids in a faith.
And anybody who is mean to an animal or mistreats one deliberately already has a big big big problem. WOW --- why didn't you give his ass the boot the second you saw his problem with anger???
So I guess you think if he believes in God, all of this will go away and he'll be a model husband and father???
Whether or not he believes in God is the least of your problems right now.
The fact that you didn't take the kids and go when your 5-year-old started actually saying he "doesn't like Daddy" because he's always angry and yelling is staggering. Yes, he's a horrible father, but the fact that you're letting your kids stay in this toxic environment (and the oldest is more than aware of it) isn't exactly winning you Mother-of-the-Year.
Take the kids and leave. Yesterday. They don't deserve the damage you've already done to them by sticking around this long (I don't know about the youngest, but the 5-year-old is definitely going to remember this stuff). Go to a shelter, go stay with a friend, go stay with your parents, go anywhere else that isn't your house, and start busting your butt to give them a life that they actually do deserve.
If Daddy winds up somehow actually making progress with counseling, maybe in a few years he can get some kind of court-appointed visitation and you can progress from there. But for the time being, he shouldn't be anywhere near those kids, and the longer you stay in that house, the bigger disservice you are doing to them as a parent.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
All of this. Stay safe and get out!
Exactly! did you think more for the safety of the dog then you do for your kids????? Obviously not so get out NOW.
I'm sorry but I had to stop reading when you said he was abusing your children. Leave. Now. If you want to work on your marriage, fine. Do it with a counselor to mediate and away from your kids in a neutral location.
I know you love him but how will you feel when you look at your kid and he has a black eye? And if money is an issue, I'm sorry but I'd be a hooker to support my kid on my own before I would allow anyone to live in my home that abused him. Children deserve to feel safe and loved and your husband is not capable of providing that for your children right now. Their dad is not stepping up to the plate so they need their mom to do so.