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Things need change....
So need advice... quick background. Moved to where I live now in 2006. With parents. Was in a controlled relationship with an ex, who obviously I left. Started dating my current husband in 08. Married May 12. Before we married he would go out every once in a while with his friends for the night to drink and party. I know I should have voiced concerns before and I did. But it was once a month or less. Usually once every other month. We got married. His friend moved closer. He started going out every weekend. His friend lives up the road. I got angry one night bc he told me he would be home and didnt come home. He drove home DRUNK!!! I was beyond furious. We got in a HUGE fight a week or so later. I told him things needed to change bc I am only here because of him, my family has all moved and I'd love to be there. I told him I'm not happy he spends the nights away and that he should know to stop drinking so he can drive home at a reasonable time. He then flipped to the complete other side and said he wouldnt go anywhere bc it wasnt worth his marriage. I thought he actually got what I was saying and was caring about my feelings. Then this past weekend he went out. I told him I dont want to force him to change, I want him to WANT to be at home with me. He married me, he shouldn't have if he didnt want to be home with me.
Now I am at a loss, bc I can't live like this, I'm miserable when he's gone. Leaving him isn't going to make me happy but I can't be with someone who doesn't want to be at home with me. I really don't have many friends here and the few I do have are mostly unavailable. I would love to be with my parents, close by. I'm just at a loss. Everyone has an opinion on this and I am just not sure how long I can be with someone who wants to be gone every weekend.
Re: Things need change....
Voice your concerns without fighting. The first thing he needs to do is get his drinking under control; it's ok to go out and have a few drinks but not get drunk and especially don't drive drunk. I had to have a conversation similar to this with my husband a few years ago, we decided no more than one drink per hour and I still tell him how proud I am that he got his drinking under control (He used to black out and turn mean).
Tell him that coming home is non-negotiable!
Once you get that point across, then express your feelings. Tell him you feel lonely when he is away and you miss the attention he used to give. He doesn't have to stop going out all together. A boys night out is good... once a month. How about a date night? Or you both go out together with friends?
Sounds like you could also use a girls night out, don't stay at home being miserable when he's gone.
That's all you need to do --- you do not need marriage to an alcoholic.
He is also showing you loud and clear he wants to lead the life of a single guy. You need him like you need a chocolate teapot.
BTW, did you resolve this little sticking point?
I start thinking about how much money we didn't have and we wasted on a wedding that will probably fall apart because we have different views on things, ie. he thinks hanging out with a female friend who recently seperated from her husband without me is ok, and that spending multiple nights away at single guy friends houses is ok. I think I made a mistake in getting married, and moving out of my parents house, and in everything.
I suspect also he is sexually involved with this "friend" of his.
You've only been married since May. He's got a drinking problem? Then this is grounds for an annullment. See an attorney; as i said, marriage to a drunk is no marriage at all.
He had to be drinking way way too much before you got married; he had to be into this whole party without you and spend time with some other woman/guy friend before you got married.
His drinking heavily, the running around too too much with friends and other bullshit did NOT just all begin in May, after you were married.
All of this has been an ongoing problem.
You should have told him to get lost when the problem began. Why the heck do you want to marry somebody who isn't on the same page as you are and why do you want to marry somebody who has a drinking problem????
As you can see, your problem is now a permanent one.
And suppose he got into a motor vehicle accident while intoxicated and he harmed or killed himself and/or somebody else????
Show this lush the door and file for an annullment. I guarantee you that his drinking problem will only get worse with time.
I am curious to know how you thught this guy was so wonderful that you married him. He sounds like a prize turkey, in addition to being a drunk and just plain childish and shady....female friend he is spending waaay too much time with, eh?
Ugh.
Lose him. And do it now.
And get yourself to AlAnon. As of right NOW.
You need it for the enablement --- you are enabling him to drink all he likes.
You're miserable when he's gone???
Holy cow....what is it LIKE when he is WITH you?:(
He's pretty dern sh!tty in person: he leaves you on a shelf, you get to walk on eggs and stand under a sword of Damocles because you don't know how smashed he'll be when he comes home (when he finally does get home at all!!!) and wow, who knows where he really is, all those hours, and with WHO???
And oh yeah, there's a confrontation. He handles it NOT like an adult but a 6 year old kid.
So yr miserable when he's not there??? ha.:(
For once and for all, get rid of this turkey. He's a lush and just based on that, the ballgame is over.
1) Do you have children, or are Madison and Emory furbabies?
2) Why can't you go out with him and cut loose a little?
3) How long did he stay home with you before he spent this most recent night with his friends?
4) With an understanding that he has to come home (either sober or in a cab) how many nights a month are you comfortable with him being out with friends?
Personally, I go out with my various girlfriends quite frequently. Sometimes I crash where I am because I cannot drive and am too far away for a cab. One of the things I love most about my husband is that he lets me do these nights out with no guilt or inquisition. I love that he's that secure and self assure. I totally get being lonely if he's gone every weekend, but you might make your own friends/life so that he can hang out with the boys once a month. (All assuming there is no reason to suspect infidelity). It's important to maintain a little independence and self reliance.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
Go out with him and cut loose???
Honey, decent married men and happily married men do not spend entire nights away from their wives.Nor do they spend numerous evenings away from the wives, where they do not come home at all.
Nor do they come home drunk as hell,
NOR do decent men drink and drive and risk killing themselves or another person!
Haven't you read one word of what she said???
And if you click on her past posts, this bullshit with her middle schooler H has been going on for a long long time. Did you miss the part about the funky little friendship he has with this other woman -- and how he spends lots of time with this other woman?????
That "friendship" stinks on ice and so does the rest of this guy's behavior.
These 2 are also about 23 years of age: very very few male who are 23 are ready for a lifelong commitment called marriage -- and judging by the OP's posts, this turkey will never be ready for marriage. His age is against him and so is plain ole immaturity.
I'll give it to the OP straight up, no ice no nothing:
This marriage had no business happening.
I can't figure out why these 2 thought marriage was a good idea.
Look at his behavior -- and look at hers. She's clinging to this jerk; who knows why??? It's poor self esteem and enablement and a zillion other wrong reasons.
He's spelling it out loud and clear for her that he still wishes to be a single and footloose guy, doing what he pleases.
Both way too young to get married -- and this is what, her second boyfriend, dated him starting in 2008 at what, age 19???
This marriage was a mistake.
OP: say goodbye immediately just for the drinking factor. If you stay with this drunk, it'll say plenty about you -- and you're b!tching NOW that you and he have no money??? MOST of it is going to the barman and his alcoholic good times. So thanks to this lush you now have even less money.
ETA: It was suggested you get therapy, just for the unhealthy attachment you have to your parents --- and get therapy for the fact that you keep picking guys who put you in an unhealthy relationship. You were HOW old when you were in the "controlled" relationship --- 16 and 17 and 18????? Where were your parents when this bullshit was going on?
And yet according to a prior post, you have been "on your own" for several years. I questioned that back then and I still do now --- you are hardly independent. You are clingy and needy and probaboy can't make a decision on the most mundane things without anybody else.
I asked 4 questions in my previous post because the answers to those questions would have some bearing. If children are involved, especially twins, that changes everything. However, I think those are pets so I based my advice off of that.
As for #2, WHY can't she go and hang out with her H? Why is he going without her? Is she not invited, or does she not want to go? There is a HUGE difference, and I want to know if he is leaving her out, if she is pouting, or if there (likely) some reason in between.
You may not have thought the marriage SHOULD have happened, but it DID. As such, my approach would be to see if some sort of adult compromise is feasible.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
decent married men and happily married men do not spend entire nights away from their wives.Nor do they spend numerous evenings away from the wives, where they do not come home at all.
Nor do they come home drunk as hell,
NOR do decent men drink and drive and risk killing themselves or another person!
I completely agree with all of the above.
And if you click on her past posts, this bullshit with her middle schooler H has been going on for a long long time. Did you miss the part about the funky little friendship he has with this other woman -- and how he spends lots of time with this other woman?????
That "friendship" stinks on ice and so does the rest of this guy's behavior.
These 2 are also about 23 years of age: very very few male who are 23 are ready for a lifelong commitment called marriage -- and judging by the OP's posts, this turkey will never be ready for marriage. His age is against him and so is plain ole immaturity.
and this.........................
If you have only been married since May and are having this many issues, it's probably not ever going to be a healthy marriage. If you want it to work and he is willing I would suggest couples counseling. If he won't go then look at getting the marriage anulled. I don't know your whole history/previous posts but it sounds to me like you shouldn't have married the @ss in the first place. If he's acting like this after only a few months of marriage then chances are he'll never change. And I am willing to bet money he's screwing around on you when he's out all night.
Therapy.
You've got a myriad of issues --- and call a moratorium on dating for a very very long time. 3 years minimum would not be a bad idea.
I will also bet that you went from one bf to the other -- in itself, that's not a bad thing -- but you mentioned the bf you had before H was controlling. You needed to stop and take a time out of dating after that relationship ended.
And to be in such an unhealthy relationship at 16 and 17? Very bad.
In his own sh!tty way, your H is controlling: he's keeping you under a sword of Damocles making you wonder what he is up to next.
Do you need this? ANY of it?
I think not.
And the last thing you need is a drunk.
Team Mrs McC.
I'm a content, happily married woman and I occasionally go out with girlfriends. Sometimes I drink too much to drive home and sleep somewhere else. My husband doesn't mind. He does the same thing. No one is worried that anyone is being inappropriate. (And gasp I've even been known to catch a movie or have a few drinks with a male friend. Husband still doesn't mind because we are adults and we trust one another to be behave appropriately.) This has slowed down since we had a baby but I don't plan on never going out with my girlfriends ever again.
We also got married at 23 and 24 and we're in our 30s now and still happy together. Age and hobbies don't dictate whether or not a marriage is a mistake.
OP, it sounds like the situation you're describing is more severe. Driving home drunk is a huge issue that needs to be dealt with. I think you guys could benefit with some couples counseling so that you're able to communicate your feelings and needs with one another better.
I am sure that your guy friend is exactly that: a friend.
And that the entire thing is a genuine friendship and is on the up and up. I'll bet that he also comes to your home for social events, parties, holiday get togethers and the like and your H knows your male friend. He's probably friends with the guy too.
Don't get me wrong: a genuine friend of the opposite sex is okay. Nothing wrong with it. I've had several male friends and many male friends over the years; same thing: he came to our house for parties; a few were even at our wedding. As were my H's female friends. This was all on the level.
But when it starts to get funky and secretive and this "friend" is pretty much hidden away and your spouse is spending too much time with this "friend", that's where the problem begins.
Actually most of my male friends are ex-boyfriends. Now we're friends. But it still doesn't matter because my husband trusts me not to do anything that would risk our family. But I do agree that secret friends are not a good idea. Secret anything is not a good idea in a marriage.
All that is BOLDED....I totally agree!!
NO real man would come home waster ALL the time and for that matter drink and drive! It's horriffic to know that he even does that! To the PP who says she's a happily married woman who hangs out with her exes....good for you! I would never do anything like that out of respect to my FI! You seem so passive about her relationship with her husband and tell her to go out with him! Oh ya...very mature! Let's all go out Hun and get hammered every week!
Wake up!
OMG. End the marriage, move to FL with your parents and build a new life down there. You're too young and your relationship is way too jacked to continue to invest in this marriage. I know it seems like a lose-lose situation, but it's not. You leave, go live with/near your parents like you've been wanting to, and drop this f*cking LOSER. Ok? He's a total prick. I don't care how he is the other half of the time. This is INEXCUSABLE. Leaving every weekend, carrying on an emotional affair with this other chick, driving drunk. Yeah, he's a real gem. LOSE HIM!!!! And for the love of god, do it before you wind up pregnant - because babies don't fix f*cked up marriages and they don't turn d*ckheads into good men/fathers.
I still stand by everything I've previously said about your attachment to your Mom and Dad. I think it's unhealthy, especially when you chose to get married (even if you chose to marry an a$$hole). So, move to FL to be closer to your Mom and Dad, but get yourself into therapy, and start building a better life for YOU. Maintain HEALTHY relationships with your parents and EVENTUALLY good men.