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IDK what else to do...
I'm frustrated and I have no clue what else to do. BF and I have been together 2 years. He's 33, I'm 28. We had an awesome sex life to start, now there's hardly anything. He tells me he's stressed and depressed and that's why he doesn't want sex, he says he doesn't even want to masturbate, he's lost all desire and interest in anything related to sex. When we did do it for the first time in 3 weeks the other night he wasn't all there. It was like he was going through the motions but there was no intimacy or interest. It was almost like a chore. If we could afford therapy or had insurance we would go that route but we don't so I'm left to my own devices. Here's what I'm not understanding... We talked last night about some of this. He said even if he plays with himself it takes forever to *** so he doesn't do it that often and porn doesn't interest him anymore. I'm far from prude, I'm all for self lovin' and have no issues with porn as long as it doesn't interfere with your sex life. Problem is I think that's where we're at and I can't find any advice about what to do now. I've noticed a lot of porn on the computer lately. There are a few things that are confusing me about this.
1)How can you say you're not into sex at all and you don't even want to play with yourself yet you're looking at porn? Am I missing something here? My thought was maybe he's trying to see if he's still able to get it up or something...
2) I'm told it's not me, that he's still attracted to me but he's not wanting sex but it sure feels like it's something with me because he's obviously watching porn so something must be stirring inside...
3) How can we talk about all of this if he's not going to be open? I'm not angry or mad about the porn, I don't attack him or blame him when we talk about any of this. I'm also not "checking up" on him or looking for "evidence" or anything like that, just something I noticed so I don't want to make him feel like I don't trust him, it's not a trust issue.
4) I've been working out so I'm feeling sexy and wanting it more. I've lost 16 lbs and I'm still losing. I don't know if its that he's not feeling attractive since he's gained a few lbs or what... He says it's not that and I always tell him how sexy he is and try to show him.
These are just a few things that I'm struggling with. We've both heard that this can happen to men his age, some of my friends went through it with their DH's but they're not able to give me any advice or help. Everything I try to research says porn and masturbating are natural and healthy (totally agree) unless it interferes with your sex life. Ok but now what? I can't find anything on what to do next... Thoughts? Advice? TIA!
Re: IDK what else to do...
OK,..there's a real problem. The real question is; what KIND of problem?....WHY is he stressed?.....wht else is going on in his life that has destroyed his confidence and sexual ability? Various things can do this to a man,.....a work crisis,.....post trauma penomena,......psychological problems,......Physical illnesses of many types....theres a big list.
The porn in itself is not a divergent thing,....he may well have been trying to stimulate himself with the porn in desperation to try to function normally ....he would nt be the first or last man to do that!
A complete health check up should e the first thing, ...and then an analysis of his emotional life and problems by a good counselor. However, nobody can work out the difficulty unless there is more information given about his life.feelings......Good Luck!
He says it is not the weight, but stress. It could genuinely be either.
Working out not only helps you be healthy & maintain a healthy weight but it also helps with stress management. Why not suggest the two of you work out together??? Concentrate on the fact that physical activity helps with stress and to reduce it instead of focusing on the weight loss.
I also do think it's time to see a doctor. He could have a low testosterone problem or something physical that is causing this.
Not great, but it happens. Could be the relationship has run its course.
I personally would not want to further pursue a relationship with a guy who no longer has time for me in every department and that includes intimacy.
When a disconnect with sex starts, the relationship is generally on its way out.
If this is the case -- and I suspect it is --- cut your losses and bow out of the relationship first -- and find a guy who thinks you're hotter than a fuse.:)
Considering there's an engagement involved, it's particularly prudent for you to get to the bottom of this --- what you need to do is sit down and have a frank and open talk with him.
You need to ask him directly if he still plans on marrying you (golly, a January 1, 2015 date? that's way way over 2 years into the future....) and if he is, what he plans on doing about not anteing up sexually: precisely when does he plan on getting cracking and getting busy with you, on a level and with a frequency that satifies YOU?
Being a good partner means making sure your partner is happy in every department and that includes in the bedroom. It's all about making sure you are satifsied. You are NOT satisfied; he hasn't shown any action to improve what's happening.
Rectfy this problem and do it NOW.
You are not getting married to get yourself a roommate or a guy who just doesn't want to have sex due to whatever reason he's got up his sleeve. What you do command is honesty and openness -- and if he doesn't want to get married, well, sh!tty, yeah but better you find out now than have this issue drag on and on an on into the future. You deserve a lot more than that.
And if you thin this problem will vanish or diminish over time?
It's not going to.
And it sure won't evaporate completely once the I Dos are said. (ha -- as if you can wait over 2 years for that to happen).
PS: Considering you are divorced and not divorced all that very long, take your time with dating guys --- enjoy yourself and see what's out there. Trust me on this; I am divorced too --- take time to enjoy life and pursue the things you've always wanted to do.
You are with him 2 years and you were divorced in 2009? You moved way too quickly on this. What you needed to do: slow down. found yourself a boyfriend? GREAT! Have fun and take your time; in a case like this slowly and surely wins the race.
This is so hypoctrical!! He deserves to be happy too. BOTH partners should put each other first and make sure they are BOTH happy! I'm sure SO doesn't enjoy the fact that he is dis-interested in sex!!
Kellandragan: try to get to the root of the problem. What else has changed about SO? Work problems, any family trouble? Try to be there for him, and if things don't get better, try anti-depressants. GL.
Ask him to talk to his doctor. If he has been taking certain medications such as high blood pressure or high cholesterol medications along with the stress could majorly affect your sex life. Try foreplay: sexy messages, ask him to touch himself in front of you or vice versa. I wish you guys luck. www.naomisays.net
Naomi Says
How the heck is that hypocritical???
I am still willing to bet that this relationship is over. Why bother to stay around? The OP would be wasting her time.
exactly! anyone that thinks like this would never last in a marriage. during the course of marriage or any long term relationship sex will come and go. no reason to give up
You are not getting the point.
I am not talking about a guy who has periods of not wanting to get intimate. All of us go through that -- but the periods of this end. Then we're back to our passionate selves.
Passion wanes and waxes.
BUT it is not good when one partner simply refuses to ante up int he bedroom and continually refuses to get busy. Something's going on at that point.
I cannot fathom why somebody wold pursue a relationship with somebody who simply is no longer interested in sex.
This situation is not fixable.
Either it's over or the partner's getting his sexual fill from elsewhere/somebody else. At that point, cut your losses and go; you are only dating the person; you are not married to him.
A guy who says he doesn't even want to masturbate?
To the OP's boyfriend: Thanks for the laughs. I have never heard of a guy who never is in the mood to masturbate.;) Until now, that is.
I think you have the right idea as you mentioned before. I don't know why one poster seems to insist that your relationship is over- it doesn't sound that way to me and I wouldn't listen to that at all. You're not going through anything really strange. My husband has depression, and that (and stress) has definitely affected his sex drive over the course of our relationship. I also know what you mean about him "not being there". It's like that for us too, sometimes. You guys seem to be handling it well. You are open about it and want to deal with it together. Good for you. It's definitely fixable.
When we were going through that, we got my husband to see a doctor. Since you don't have insurance, see if you can find a doctor that has a sliding scale or if you can pay in installments. Also try to get your husband to do relaxation techniques and have healthy habits (it really helps). He should also talk to you as much as he can. Social support is really important during a time like this. I would also say that maybe you should bring up the porn thing. You don't have to be accusatory but since it confused you and he wasn't open about it, ask him what is going on so you don't have to wonder or feel insecure.
Good luck to you both, and just know that it can definitely get better!! It's nice to see that some people are still actually committed to sticking with it when the going gets rough :-)