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On the fence about having kids
This is an AE; I'm a regular on one of TK boards, but I don't want anyone knowing about this yet.
H and I just got married 2 months ago, after being together together for 5 years. We have always planned on having children - I've always said 2-3, he says 1-2. We figured we'd see how the first one goes, and decide from there.
I'd never really considered not having kids to be an option, and I always thought I wanted them. Now I'm not so sure. I'm graduating in December with my masters (I'm 30, he's 32). The plan has always been that I graduate, get a job, and then we start TTC within a year. Now that's getting close, and I'm second guessing if I really want this.
I've spent a lot of time lately with friends who have small children...and it just seems like so much WORK. I know you have to put someone else's needs above your own, and frankly I don't know if I'm willing to do that. I'm excited to finally have disposible income, buy a nice house, go on trips and do fun things with my H..and I don't see that happening with kids. I dont have that burning desire for children anymore. My friends with babies, they are defined by being mothers, and I want to be more than that. I just don't see how it's possible.
I'm not completely convinced, , but I really think I could be happy never having children. I've NEVER considered this before, until the last few days. I guess I'm just confused. I haven't talked to H about this yet, because I'm still sorting my feelings out. I don't want him to feel like I've deceived him, because up until now I really was completely sure I wanted children.
What do I do? Should I sit on it awhile and see if my feelings change? If I talk to H about it right now, what do I say? Please help.
Re: On the fence about having kids
There's nothing wrong with second-guessing such a big decision. Kids aren't something that you can decide after you have them that you don't want them.
My personal advice is to push back your plans to have children. You are 30, not 40. You have plenty of time to spend a few years enjoying your disposable income and living the adult life without children. Your current plan sounds quite ambitious - just out of school and jumping into children. Take a breath. It's awesome to finally graduate and enjoy the pay off from all your hard work! Don't rush from one big thing to the next because you feel like you should.
Both my husband and I are 32. We both agreed that we'd talk about children at 33 - still under the advanced maternal age but young enough to deal with any conception problems that might crop up. We have the same mentality as your husband: let's have one and see what happens.
You've got time to think on this. Take it.
I fully agree with joy- you have time. To graduate, get a job, then TTC w/in a year.... that is a LOT. I absolutely would want to hold off on TTC too. At a minimum, talk to your DH about that.
As for your concerns about being defined by being a mom... a few thoughts -
First, when your baby is a BABY, they are kind of all encompassing. Especially your first. It's ALL new and it's a huge learning curve, and, well.... wow. It's truly a huge life-style change.
But past that, and as DS started to get older - I've knew I'd never be a "I AM A MOMMY" kind of person, or that I'd let my child define me. I make a very conscious choice to still be an independant adult. I left DS for the first time for a weekend when he was 6 months old, DH and I will make plans that don't include DS, I have girls night, I go to book club. Etc etc etc.
And when I do see my friends (most of which are also moms), I'm actually amazed at how little we talk about our kids! even when our kids are there! I mean, we do talk about them some, but most of our conversation is about a lot of other things. Work, what books we're reading, when we're going on vacation - you name it, we talk about it.
I don't know how to explain it, but I think 'being defined by being a mom' is kind of a choice a lot of women make. Somehow, I've found friends who DIDN'T make that choice!
This sounds like I never spend time w/ my DS, which is far from the truth. My day to day life is very much about him. Most weekends are spent doing familiy things. but- we'll also get together w/ friends and their kids so that we can ALL socialize, and (again), we'll also do things occasionally w/o DS.
I've found a balance - and you can too. Now, granted, if your friends want to be "mommies", it may be hard to break them of that. It might be time to branch out a little and see if you can find some new friends who may not make that same choice.
ALSO - cripes, as DS gets older, he becomes more and more fun. Babies are HARD. Very hard. They are 100% dependant on you. Having a boy now (not a baby) who can walk, dress himself, go to the potty, and who I can have conversations with - it's really FUN. It's fun to watch him grow, learn, start new adventures. It really is just a lot of fun. (Although it's always "work" too.... we have our challenges too.
)
All that being said - there is also nothing wrong w/ NOT wanting to have kids. We had a long struggle to have DS and I knew that if it didn't work for us, we were going ot be o.k. There ARE a lot of advantages to not having kids! There are also advantages to just having one kid (which is us- one and done).
Take some time and really think about this and reflect. Good luck, and definitely talk to your DH about this. Again, at a minimum that you want to hold off on the timeline.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
Give this time; perhaps this is just one of those phases where you're out to lunch/on the fence about having kids.
Wait and see on this --- don't say anything at all to your H about this.
If time goes on -- say a year -- and you still feel the same way, then maybe it's time to discuss the topic of kids with the H.
2 months into a marriage is a bit too soon to TTC --- your marriage needs legs; I'd say 2 years is a good time to start TTC.
I was you about 6 years ago. Fast forward to the present and my husband and I are 34. The last 6 years of married life have been the best years of my life. We don't have kids yet.
We have travelled everywhere, drive nice cars, have a nice house. I am able to volunteer with dog rescues in my free time. We spend our money on ourselves and our friends and family, go out on a whim, it's so nice. We are also the last of our friends NOT to have kids.
I have to say, I'm not sure I will ever have them. But my husband and I both feel that if it ever did happen, it wouldn't be the "end of the world" for us as we enjoyed being married and doing all of those things. We would have no regrets. (Although I'm not trading in my convertible for a minivan!)
Enjoy being married and the freedom for a few years then revisit the whole kids thing again. Don't pressure yourself to have kids just because you are married. Good luck!
I really understand where you're coming from. I've had a similar issue the past week or so...questioning if I want kids or not. It was NEVER a question before. After I found out we only get 6 weeks paid maternity leave (when I thought it was 12), it made me stop and think...(not all that rationally, I suppose), why the heck do I want to birth a child, bond with it for 6 weeks, then give it up to someone else to raise (daycare, school, etc). I realize *we* would still be the parents, and raising the child, but the thought of spending soooo much money to never see my child is sickening me since this thought.
We were just married a couple of months ago too (I'm guessing you've seen me on the TK board!) so I'm just going to give it some time. DH did not seem to care one way or the other about having children, until I started questioning it. I'd said "why do you care, you don't want them anyway." Then he told me "I will regret if we don't have at least one someday, so it will happen one way or another", knowing I still actually do want children, I'm just going through a phase. Honestly, that helped a little. Knowing he really is on board with kids, he just doesn't want them quite yet.
Hang in there! You still have time. You might change your mind after graduation, or a couple of years of traveling/living your life as the two of you
What Joy said.
You don't have to make a decision today. You may change your mind. My husband and I decided not to have kids. Neither of us has a burning desire to have one and never have. We just have to be extra nice to our nieces and nephews so SOMEONE will come visit us in the nursing home!