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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Love & waiting....
I love my Husband with all my heart. To make it short, he made "just a friend" and I would always ask him to limit the friendship so there a no other intentions from this other person I do not know. It would cause many arguements. After constantly arguing & going through with trying to get to know this friend- it was confessed that my husband had feelings for his friend. The friendship ended...for just a short time until I found out they were still talking. Then was promised no more talking & found out the opposite again. I felt horrible to the point where I just wanted to leave. But our family is important to me. He is important to me. This other person cannot be out of our lives because they work with each other. I have got to the point where I am dealing with them now just talking at work. I feel he has changed but I know he still loves me. We are at a point where he wants space & doesnt know why...or just doesnt tell me his true reason. I am just at a point of waiting to see what happens. I am hoping his love for me gets back to where it was or somehow even better. I am trying to be strong & give him his space even though I want more quality time. He is different but still the same great guy... if that makes any sense, which is why I am still hopeful. Do you feel out of LOVE I am doing the right thing?
Re: Love & waiting....
Honestly, if my husband had an affair (physical or emotional) with a coworker and then I found out he was lying to me about it again later, I'd tell him to find a new job. Our marriage is more important than either of our jobs. And this is coming from someone who can't afford to live on one of our salaries alone.
I think individual and couples counseling could go a long way. He can figure out what he wants and what was lacking that led him to this other person initially. You can figure out what you need from him and whether or not you can rebuild your trust in him. And together you could decide if you can be happy again or if you want to end it.
Good luck!
I think that you are doing the right thing. You married him, and you vowed that you would be together for better or for worse. I would just continue to love him and pray for him. No matter what he does (unless he abuses you or something like that), you need to be the wife that God called you to be. I would suggest you get the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. You need to fight for this marriage, and figure out why your husband feels the need to venture outside of you, his wife, for an emotional connection with another woman. Maybe there is something that you can improve on. However, you can't make him stay, if he eventually wants out, let him go, and move on with your life. Many women have experienced this, and recovered from it (and remarried). I hope that everything works out for you! I really do!
-KA
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I am so sorry that you're going through that. I know it must be awful.
I think that counseling is a great idea, if he's willing. The reality is that unless he changes jobs, this temptation will still be there. Temptations are everywhere, though. You two have to make sure that the bond and promise between you is big enough to outweigh those temptations.
Counseling may be a long-term plan, but you might want to consider a trip for just the two of you as a sort of restart. Go away together, with minimal distractions to reconnect as a couple. Laugh, have sex, and both of you spend some time remembering what it is you love about the other.
I hope this helps, and I hope things get better for you.
If he does not want to go to counseling then I think he has already made his decision. He knows you will do nothing but wait while he does whatever he pleases. I think you should continue with counseling and figure out why you are ok with this. If he wanted his family to work out he would put forth the effort, he is not.
By giving him space, is he living somewhere else? Or are you just not asking questions while he gets the benefits of a married man (you taking care of the house, children and sex).
In the meantime you should get your financial and legal paperwork in order, check bank statements, run credit checks on both of you, etc. I am not saying that to be an alarmist but if he has checked out then it is best to be prepared in case.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Space is given at home, we live together. Unfortunately it feels more like housemates for the moment. Like you mentioned, it's more of that I stopped constantly asking for answers (why the space?, etc..) He says he doesnt know. He can't explain it. I know it is unfair for me to go through... so why am I? I guess it's just the strong love I have for him. I am hopeful for our family.
When we did talk he mentioned he still loves me & wants to be with me. Of course I know it's a lil different now. He feels horrible for hurting me & wants to fix himself I guess to work through this. I am not in denial, I know what I am doing. With my counseling sessions I came to the decision of giving him the space. It may seem stupid but everyone makes mistakes & this is our first problem out of all our years being together. Am I stupid for being hopeful? I am not saying I will wait forever & deal with him being distant. If nothing changes for the better of course I know I have to make the decision of moving on.
He doesn't know he can't explain it.
I think he's full of sh!t.
Gee, can he explain why the inappropriate friendship with this other lady? (notice my sarcasm)
I think he needs to go. When they pull this kind of card, something is up. THis stinks on ice and I don't like the sound of it. Sorry for your troubles.
Yes it's a woman. From what I know now they are still friends but only at work. The friendship is different now cause they are not as close. I am hoping this is honestly the truth. I did lose my trust but trying to regain it back. Of course the progress is going slowly because of "space".
OK, I know! He's being a total jerk. Then other times he's the wonderful man I married, Look, I am not trying to make excuses for him but just saying I want to give him a chance to fix things. We've had a wonderful marriage I am trying to give him his opportunity to admit his faults & make it up to me, But, how long should this "space" be allowed? I know eventually I will not allow it to continue on.
Well yeah, because he hasn't lied to you before about her. Well, except for all those times that he did. But I'm sure those were just one-time flukes. Well, except it was more than one time. Uh, you just hang in there, girl! Everything will work out fine!
Let's be real- what you're doing is giving him time to choose between you & her and right now you're letting him have both of you. I am really sorry you're going through this, but why are you giving him this much power and letting him treat you so horribly? I don't care if he's super nice to you at times, as long as she is in the picture he is being awful to you.
He married you. If he can't tell you with 100% certainty that he chooses you and will do whatever it takes to earn your trust and forgiveness it's time to toss his lying cheating @ss out.
Is no one seeing why I want to give him a chance? Give him time to fix us if he really desires to? I It's not like other relationship stories I've read on here where the person always had trust issues with their significant other, always had someone trying to ruin their relationship, etc... This is our first problem. One problem & I'm supposed to be like F it & just move on? Is one mistake enough for you to just say forget everything we worked on as a couple, a family, & what we've become all these years together?
Giving him a chance is not the same thing as giving him all of the power in your relationship. Giving him a chance is telling him to make an effort at counseling and give your marriage a real shot. To save a marriage he has to want to do that, clearly he does not.
Your marriage will not survive in the long term. Say he picks you and in 2 years someone else peaks his interest, then he needs another break to "find himself" while you play wife and mother. You are just enabling his behavior.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
If your trust issues with him didn't start after the first time you caught him lying to you about the other woman, when did they start? After the second time, or the third time...?
If my husband had an emotional affair, wouldn't cut off contact, wouldn't go to counseling, and wouldn't talk through it with me, yes we would be done. Because his actions would be telling me he had no intention of changing and no intention of actually working on the relationship. What are either of you doing to work on the marriage other than you praying he will see the light and him pretending nothing is happening and continuing contact with the friend who is more than a friend?
I'd also note; our friends wife could have written exactly what you wrote. He was sleeping with the other woman the entire time, just wasn't ready to tell his wife. I don't think she knew they were sleeping together until a few months after he said he wanted a divorce and even then he only owned up to sleeping with the OW once.
There is more to this story and your husbands behavior.
Some of these responses have me rolling my eyes. I am never one to advocate divorce as the first option, but please, see this for what it is.
1. He has developed a relationship with someone that makes you uncomfortable.
2. He has continued this relationship despite asked repeatedly to stop AND he's kept it a secret from you until you've found out otherwise.
3. He's asked for space and he won't tell you why.
4. He flat out refuses to respect you by keeping up this other relationship.
I think he's doing more than talking, and if he's not, he's certainly thinking about it. And girlfriend at work is milking it. Chances are she'll drop him like a hot potato if he suddenly becomes "available" so he's testing the waters first. Trying to keep stringing you along while he sees how into it the other lady will be.
Protect yourself, stop making excuses for him, and accept the fact that he's a cheating, manipulative liar.