My mom is being so needy!

stacey1508

I got married a few months ago, and it seems like over the last month or so my mother has become really needy.  We live on opposite sides of the country, so we don't see each other very often...but it's been like that for years.  We have a good relationship and talk regularly, but that doesn't seem to be enough for her anymore.  She calls me every couple of days and seems to expect to talk forever.  Even when she knows I'm busy or will be out of town, she still emails or texts me frequently.  I try to be available, but I feel like it's gotten to the point where she's not giving me any space.  It's frustrating because I feel like I'm trying to start my new life with my husband and I just can't be available to her all the time.  Most of the time when she calls, she doesn't even have anything to say.  I still make a point of talking to her about once a week for at least an hour or more, but then she will still ask me to call her a few days later or ask me why I haven't called.  Both my husband and I were sick this week and I talked to her a few days ago despite that (runny nose, cough and all).  Despite that, she still asked me why I haven't called today!  She is really sensitive, and I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I need some space.  I'm not sure why there's been this increased clinginess because nothing has really changed.  I just don't know how to handle this without hurting her feelings.  Any insight??

rakle99

Even though you've lived so far away from her for years, now that you're married, she may be going through 'empty nest syndrome', or may be afraid that she's losing you. In addition, you may not realize it, but as you focus more on your husband and your new life together (and rightly so!), you may be spending less time with other areas in your life. Both of those combined may cause you to be feeling more pressured from your mom, and your mom too feel more abandoned.

Maybe sending your mom a nice card, thanking her for all her support, telling her that you miss her, etc, and say something like "I know it may seem like I'm preoccupied with other things. I appreciate your patience while I continue to adjust to my new life, etc". Then you won't seem confrontational. 

JemmaWRX

Sounds like my ILs!  Personally, I think you should be frank with her.  Try to make it a conversation like, "Mom, I've noticed recently you seem more dependent on me.  Can I ask what's going on?"  See what she says, express an understanding, but set some clear boundaries.  "Mom, I'm sorry you feel this way, but unfortunately I can't be available for you every time you need me."  Maybe even give her some suggestions to keep herself occupied/get her mind off of you.  Good luck!

Wahoo

Would it be convenient to have a set time each week to call?  That way, you can say "mom, I'll discuss this on Sunday night when I phone you."  That way, you can phone HER (and make her feel more wanted) and hopefully she will back off for the rest of the week. 

Your mom sounds like she has too much time on her hands.  Maybe encourage her to get a hobby so that she is productive, or volunteer opportunities to fill that void in her life. 

Also, you don't HAVE to be available for her every time she calls.  If she didn't know for certain that each time she phoned she'd get a 1 hour phone conversation (vs. a "mom, I can't talk to you right now, I'll phone you back later htis week), maybe she'd call less.

toothpastechica

I agree with all the previous posts....weddings do wierd things (sometimes good sometimes not so good) to people...in particularily family members. It souds like she may be afriad of losing you (emotionally - whereas before might have just been the distance) since you now have someone new to depend on. Set some clear boundries and/or limit your phone conversations...."Hey mom, just to let you know I only have 5 more minutes to talk" usually works, and if it doesn't then just be firm "Hey so I have to go now, I'll talk to you (insert when works for YOU: no laters, no soon, a specific time/date). Bye" The nice thing about the phone is you have complete power to say bye and hang up....its not like trying to kick her out of your house or something.

shunee123

aww I feel for you yes it is hard to balance the two but after while she will get used to it. I think she is going through empty nest syndrome..does she have someone at home ?

cndycne2005

My mom was (and still is to a degree) the same way.  There's no real way to handle it without hurting her feelings except to just not answer the phone every time she calls.  My mom was getting excessive (every other day, somtimes even once a day) and we don't even live across the country.  If fact, DH and I only live about 10 minutes away from her.  I tried to nicely tell her that she need not call so often which I think probably hurt her feelings a little bit, and she got the message for a little while and then started up again.  So, I just don't answer the phone every time she calls anymore.  If she asked about it, I'd just say I was busy.  Not rudely, but I did say it.  She got better for a while again, but now my husband just left for the Army so the phone calls are starting up again.  I know it's because she cares, but I just don't like talking on the phone (never have) and don't like the feeling of being bombarded all the time, so again, I just don't answer every time.  Try it - your mom will eventually get the message.

Kristin789

I feel sorry for your mom.

She raised you and then you moved as far away as possible while staying in the same country.

Now you are married, which means that you really aren't coming back no matter how much she hopes, and which means that you are really grown up now and don't "need" your mother.

Your mother is just now realizing that her number one purpose in life - raising you - is over.  Really over.  And you are so very far away that the two of you will never again have any kind of opportunity to have a family dinner every Sunday and the other things that she remembers from when she first got married and that she knows that her friends' daughters do now because they live in town.

So she is trying to deal with this and trying to connect with you over the phone about small things.  Things that maybe you are thinking about too, even though you live far way.

But you don't realize any of this and don't appreciate any of this.  You post on TheNest, complaining about how your mother is bothering you, which excites other selfish Nesters to suggest strategies on how to get your mother to call less and bother you less.

I feel sorry for your mom.

ReturnOfKuus

I would be shocked if her friends' daughters have weekly dinners with their parents after they're grown.

Kristin, can I borrow your time machine?  I always wanted to go back in time and see firsthand what your era looked like.