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Last couple that is "childfree"
Kind of a lurker on this board, I guess Im just looking for someone who is in a similar situation...or advice.
My husband and I are both 34, don't have kids. LOVE our life together and are about 95% sure that we will not ever have kids.
All of our friends have kids now or are pregnant. Never bothered me really, I was always there for them, went to their baby showers, offered to babysit, bought their kids nice things. Always tried to stay in contact, however one by one we slowly drifted apart, for I guess obvious reasons, we didnt have much in common at that point anymore.
Not long ago, our closest couple friends became pregnant with their first child. I have remained in close contact, have been supportive, even went to the 3d ultrasound with them. As the pregnancy goes on, they too are starting to drift away despite my efforts to stay in touch.
I guess Im just venting, but Im finding myself becoming sad and depressed that I may be losing these people as friends too. Now my H and I are the odd ones out.
I really just miss my friends. I guess life changes and you have to adapt but it just makes me sad. On top of that, I worry every day that I am making the right decision by not having kids and it haunts me.
Has anyone else ever been in this situation? Im trying to branch out and make new friends, but its just not the same. Does it change? Am I silly to feel this way? Bleh,
Thanks for reading.
Re: Last couple that is "childfree"
My husband and I have two kids and are able to stay in touch with friends. And it's hard because I have other priorities. But not impossible. It's moments like this that determine your true friendships. One of my best friends and her fiance are pretty sure they don't want them. Well more like half sure. They kind of each go back and forth on it. Anyways my husband and I see them often and on weeks that we don't see them then we do phone calls multiple times a week.
Either way if you feel that your friendship is changing for the worse then be a good change in it. If you want to see her then reach out...don't try and wait for her to reach for you. If it is **never** reciprocated or she blows you off all the time then that is when you call it quits.
I'm really blessed to have a great group of friends who are childfree by choice or have grown children.
We may have a child next year. At this point we're both on the fence about it and if we do I worry about finding children with friends!
Us too! I'm 26 and H is 33. Neither of us really have any interest in children. We are like 95% sure it's never going to happen. I feel like I'm the only one of our friends who doesn't have baby fever. I look at my friends/relatives with kids and I just think no way, this is not for us. I'm so glad I discovered this board. I used to feel like I had missed out on some important gene that made me not want to have kids since I am one of the only people I know!
I get where you are coming from, for sure. My friends and I are all approaching 30 faster than I'd like (and some have even made it there), most of us are married/engaged...and for most of them, I know kids are on the horizon. I just get sad thinking about how things are going to change when everyone has kids. I know it's selfish, but whatever - I think it's a common thought for people who either aren't ready to be parents or never want to be parents when everyone else around them are.
H and I aren't sure if we ever want to have kids. It doesn't help that our first semi-close friends who are a couple, just had their first baby this year, and have terrible "new parent syndrome" as my boss calls it. You know, very overprotective of the baby when compared to your average parent, act like they are the only people in the world to know what it's like to have a child, general superiority complex when comparing themselves to non-parents...I honestly don't think my close friends would act like this couple, but it just puts a bad spin on the whole idea of it to me.
Making new friends is very hard... Of my three best friends from high school, I'm the only one without children, and have been for at least 8 years. Of course all three of my friends got pregnant within a year of graduating (it's a mid-western thing). I've tried to keep in contact, but we've drifted. I friend-ed them all on face book and read their posts, look at pictures of their kids, say nice things in the comments. But I haven't seen any of them in person for years. It doesn't help that 2 of the 3 live several states away, but still, even when they come back to visit we're not priority.
I've tried making new friends, through college and work, but you're right. It's never the same, and I haven't been able to make any new 'best' friends. And couple friends... nearly impossible.
I don't have a solution, but know that your not alone.
You definitely aren't alone. My husband and I have been married for 7 years this month, and are still on the fence about children. Most of our friends have at least one child, and are working on number two or already have two. I didn't have too many close girlfriends to start with, but I can definitely say I have drifted from those who now have kids. It doesn't help that I moved away from our hometown, and most of them still live there, or have decided to move elsewhere. Distance and the differences in our in lives definitely doesn't help.
There are a few who I still talk with regularly, and things always pick up right where they left off. We are able to talk about things other than children, or parenting. Of course, we do talk about the kids, but it is never awkward or uncomfortable even though most of the time, I don't really have anything to add. But I do have a few friends who I have struggled to even find things to talk about anymore. We just don't have that much in common anymore. It doesn't mean I don't love them as friends, things are just different.
I don't really have anything to add other than to let you know that you aren't alone. As evidenced by the posts, it looks like there are many of us in similar boats.
I'm new to this board and wanted to chime in on this because I feel that I can relate from two different aspects.
We just got married and in the past 3-4 years most of our friends have gotten married and are pregnant or trying. I guess, I don't have that "feeling". I am also quickly approaching 30 and I don't have a desire for childrne at all. I know that we eventually will have 1 child. My husband really loves kids and he wants them, and I am not totally opposed to the idea- but i am not there" yet".
I don't know what its like to have that "driving" feeling to be a mom. I look at kids and i think they are cute and i am like oh how nice-but I am never like "I WANT ONE"
Anyway- we've already realized people are drifting away so we hae made an active effort to "meet up" with friends. Every few months we invite people over to catch up outside of larger social gatherings (ie, not at a wedding or shower or reunion) more of a small intimiate group. We invite children, but typically they leave them with a sitter. Sometimes we do it on an "off night" like a tuesday night when no much else is going on, or on a Sunday afternoon and people can bring the kids and hang out.
I wanted to mention, my parents have two friends that never had children. Shew as always career oriented and they had raised her younger sister when they were first married( who was a teenager) for a few years. anyway, over the years my parents and their friends drifted apart. They would meet up once or twice a year at parties and in passing, but over the years they all drifted apart.
A few years ago these couples all reconnected. The parents now have grown children and have things in"Common" again. My mom says its nice to be back with her "old" friends that they had since they were growing up and that she does feel bad they drifted apart but everyone seems to know that its inevitable when there are kids involved and everyone is so busy.
The best advice I can give is to make a special time or cut out a time to do an activity with them. And in the mean time keep pursuing your own interests and meeting other people. Also, i would be open to say...meeting your friends at their sons soccer game, or something like that. It doesn't always have to be on your terms...