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I know I shouldn't feel bad, but... (SIL issues)
I have a sister-in-law who was (and is) NOT happy to share my husband. We lived in the same house as her for 2 and a half miserable years, including through our engagement, and even through the wedding. It is only in the past couple of months that we've been able to afford to move out on our own. It was very difficult to live in a house where everything that went wrong was blamed on me (and I do mean EVERYTHING), and with a boyfriend/fiance/husband that didn't want to get between his sister and me. It really sucked, but I eventually stood up for myself and told him that it wasn't fair for her to walk all over me, and that if he wanted our relationship to last, he needed to tell her to back off. Needless to say, she wasn't happy after that conversation. At our wedding, she didn't say anything to me the entire time, and only said one word to my husband (He thanked her for coming to the wedding, she responded "yea," and walked away).
I feel bad because before me, they had been really close. He is 6 years older than her, and he was the main father figure in her life for a long time (their parents split up when she was 2 or 3, and she had a falling out with her dad when he remarried). Through the process of us moving in together, getting engaged, and then getting married, they've talked less and less. And now when they talk, more than likely they're fighting about me.
Even their mom has stepped in on my behalf! Nobody can figure out why my SIL hates me so much. I can count on one hand the number of conversations I've had with her over the past two and half years, and still have fingers (plural) left over. I've tried being nice, I've tried ignoring her, I've tried avoiding her, and still the nicest thing she's said to me is... well actually come to think of it, she's never said anything nice to me. At this point, I've given up trying to get to know her, and I've given up hoping that someday we can be friends.
But I don't want my husband to have to give up his sister. Since we've moved out, I really hoped that they would reconnect, or something. But so far, nothing. Their only communications have been about switching over the cable to her name, and getting her on her own car insurance, and things like that.
Should I encourage my husband to try to reconnect with his sister, even though she hates me so much? And if so, how do I go about doing it? I don't want family holidays to be hell. How do I go about showing her I'm not a threat, and convince her to play nice?
Re: I know I shouldn't feel bad, but... (SIL issues)
This means YOU come first. His sister should not have even very remotely figured into the equation at all.
You've got a world of troubles....you do not have a SIL problem, you have an H problem.
I strongly suggest counseling stat -- he needs to learn how to put you first and how to be a team with you, and to blazes with his sis, his this or his that: YOU come first.
When he said I Do, he also took a vow that went "forsaking all others." Yep, this means you come first no matter what.
And when you marry you form a new family: it is you and your H. THAT is the family.
Not his sis, or his parents, or anybody else: you and he.
Why in heck did you even marry if you and he were not self sufficient??? If you and he were not financially secure enough to afford your own place, then you should have waited until you were. You don't get married to move into anybody's home --- and as you can see, living with anybody is NOT a good idea. It's a fairly sh!tty idea, at that.
This is all effed up.
WHY is he financially responsible for a full grown adult woman who is supposed to be taking care of herself???
Please don't tell me this is cultural. Because if it is, you have a world of trouble that's even worse.
what he needs to do -- and in this order:
1- Tell his sister to go pound sand -- and that means TODAY. He is to tell her that her nastiness has just cost her a relationship with you and him... and then he needs to cut her off completely.
2-Cut her off as in no more communication, at all, ever...
3-And he needs to financially cut her off.
He need not tell her. Let HER figure it out for herself when the pipeline with his money in it is all dried up and gone.
Let her ass go get A JOB and make money to support herself. Tough sh!t and tough darts on her if she doesn't like it.
4- You also need to get counseling together. If he won't go, consider this problem a permanent one and find yourself a guy who is a MAN, not a candy apple who is under his sister's skirts for good.
you didn't get married to be a fifth wheel or to come in last. You got married to be a full and equal partner and you got married to have a full grown man as a husband, and one who is fully devoted to you and puts you first.
And if he won't go to conseling and he decides to let things stay the way they are, give serious thought to divorcing this little chump. Because nothing will ever change.
The marriage dynamic here?
Nonexistant.
A man who cannot stand up for his wife is no man at all. He is not fit to be married. Let him go back to his parents' house and live the life he IS leading right now.
When you saw what kind of man he was not -- and he permitted his sister to treat you like crap and never defended you -- you should have very kindly bidden this candy apple adieu. This is a boychild, not a full grown man.
Well first, before we got married, we were actually living in a house owned by his mom and step-dad (who live out of state). We didn't get a say in who else lived there with us, and we'd been trying for a while to move out. A month and a half before the wedding, I got laid off, and the same week, his job cut his hours drastically. It wasn't until I got another job, and he picked up a second job, that we have been able to move out. We moved out 2 months ago, and we only got married 3 months ago.
As for how my husband has been handling it - like I said, once I told him he needed to back me up (this was before the wedding, btw), he did. He told his sister to back off, and to stop picking on me and blaming everything on me. That has pretty much been the end of their relationship.
Like I said, the only conversations they've really had since then, and since the marriage have been about switching things like cable over to her name, since we don't live in that house anymore.
We were in NO WAY supporting her. She was simply on the same insurance policy as us (which, now that we're married, I want her to be separate for legal reasons), and the cable bill was in our name while we lived there. She paid for her portions of those, they were just in his name before.
he should not have had to be told to back you up. Geez, that's a given.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
I don't see this as an H problem, you asked him to stand up for you & he did. This relationship between your H & his sister was going to change one day. He got married in a serious relationship first so she needs to deal. Stop beating yourself up, this isn't really about you. This is about a dynamic between them that shifted & changed.
I'm sure she is looking at you as the enemy & that isn't fair, but its the way it is. TBH I would do as a PP said & stay out of it. You have to focus on your life & marriage & allow your H to worry about SIL. They may or may not fix it but you can't.
SIL sounds like she has Daddy issues & needs therapy.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Time is your friend in this situation.
I'm guessing you and your H are fairly young and that your SIL is very young. Right now her big brother finding you and getting married seems like a betrayal to her. She has to come around to the realization that: 1) he has a right to find a wife and form a new family with that wife, and 2) that she doesn't need her brother's undivided loyalty to be happy.
There is probably nothing you can do to help her with this realization. She just has to grow into it. And if nothing gets in the way of that growth, she will eventually get there. She may never be buddy-buddy with you, but she will probably be less hostile with you and more understanding of her brother. However, there are many things you can do that will encourage her to stay angry and never get to this position. So your best bet is to do nothing. Don't harp on this with your H, and don't bring it up to other family members, especially your MIL. Be polite but keep your distance from your SIL.
It's up to your H to figure out how to best handle his sister while she's going through this growth process. The best way may be for him to have a little distance from her right now. In the meantime, you don't have to feel guilty about being the cause of the distance in their relationship. And you don't have to worry about fixing this.
you've been married for 3 months and not living with her for 2. why has it been at least 8 weeks that you've left her on some insurance that she's not supposed to be on?!
to me it sounds like you and dh are dragging your feet on a lot of things.
did you help with household finances? pay equal rent? grocery shop?
Uhm...but it IS a DH problem. He shouldnt be told to do something that is both proper and full of common sense. You ALWAYS stick up for someone (even non -family members) who is being blamed for something he/she did not do. That is what good people do, not wimpy overly emeshed people.
The rent wasn't set the same way as, say, an apartment or anything. Each room had a set amount of rent, so you paid the rent for the room you were in (the smaller bedrooms were $500/month, and the masters were more).
Everyone did their own separate grocery shopping, labelled their refrigerator foods, and had their own cabinet for dried goods.
Because their parents owned the place, they paid for all of the household stuff (i.e. they replaced the lawnmower when the old one broke).
The only reason we're "dragging our feet" splitting her off of our car insurance (she pays her portion of it), is because our insurance rep has screwed up the billing and what not SEVERAL times over the past 2 years, and we need to go in and see her in person to make sure it gets done right. If my bill ends up going to my SIL, and hers comes here, she'll have a fit. But with our new crazy work schedules (like I said, hubby is working two part time jobs, and I'm working different hours than him), we haven't been able to go talk to her yet.
Because it's car insurance, we COULD leave her on it. But I don't want to. Now that we're married and on own, I want us to be completely separate from her. If she defaults on her payment, I don't want them to come to us looking for money. In my opinion, she needs to sink or swim on her own. She's 23 (almost 24) and should have figured out how to allot her paychecks by now, considering she is getting a huge break on rent from their mom.