Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Advice: Explaining why you don't want kids (ever)
Hubby and I have been together for four years, I'm 25 and he is 29 so people still assume we're going to have kids (since I have lots of time left I guess). It's really hard when people ask about it because we don't want children, it's something we've both known since we were children! I am so lucky to have found such a perfect match since most people seem to want kids, but every time someone asks when we're having kids I say "never", then they ask "why". Usually the people asking "why" are parents or want to be parents themselves, I don't want to insult them or make them feel like I am anti-parenting/anti-kids, but I feel like sometimes my explanation is taken that way. I am always careful to say something like, "well I love kids, but..." and then go into it, but parents seem VERY defensive anyway, which is frustrating since they are the ones asking me a very personal question - Advice? Anyone else out there dealing with it?
Re: Advice: Explaining why you don't want kids (ever)
I hate how people think that this is their business to ask this question. It's a very personal decision that is no one's business but your own.
I would just say that you love kids but they aren't for you and your H. I have a couple married friends that are in the same boat as you and they just say that kids aren't for them because they love to travel or they love to spend their time and money on themselves, etc. If you feel comfortable saying your reasoning go for it but I don't think it's completely necessary. I don't think it needs to be explained in depth because like I said it's not their business.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
No explanation is needed!!!
If they pester you, ask them how much they are giving you each month for child support since they want you to have one so much.
I usually respond with the following.
We don't care to have children, we refuse to raise a child that will waste my youth, poop, puke, and pee on us. We are not interested in raising a legacy in our name, that's why I have brothers and sisters who have kids.
I use all sorts of lines to stop people in their tracks, it fun to mess with people for being nosey.
The religious response is, "God told me after seeing how bad your children are that I should postpone having some of my own"
"I've got enough tax deductions that I don't have to chase around a house"
"I didn't buy nice stuff so that I could have children ruin my prize possessions."
My favorite to use is, "I like having ambitious sex with out finding a babysittter first."
I think the above explaination is all that is needed. Some people will become upset no matter what you say. If you explain why you don't want to have kids they may feel as if you're telling them that they made the wrong decision to have children even if they asked the question.
This
This is something I feel very strongly about. My husband and I also knew (from when we were children) that we never wanted to have kids.
I am anti-kids. I think they are pretty gross (yeah yeah, I know, I was a kid once blah blah blah). I'm so tired of hearing about friends who post every other Facebook status/picture about their kids. I even had one friend post about breastfeeding and pictures (yuck! No one wants to see that). So you know what I did? I posted pictures from my foster cat every other hour on Facebook and posted really annoying statuses about him like, "Oh! LOOK! He's eating!!!! How cute!" etc. It got the point across.
We get asked all the time as well, esp since we are newlyweds and I'm 28, he's 31. But we are also traveling around the world, living in cool places and working sweet jobs (like teaching scuba diving in Australia and then teaching snowboarding in New Zealand). A kid does not work into these plans!!
I love to offend people, so when they ask...I say, "I'm not giving up alcohol for 9 months and then some for some booger picking poop shooting wrinkly raisin!" Oh yeah, I love a good party so this response fits in with my personality.
Also, I believe that they are plenty of kids to adopt if people have the means to do it. So, the childless by choice people are actually helping curb the population growth (which is needed, I think).
I don't think you should worry about offending people since this is already an extremely offensive question.
I agree - don't explain. I thinmk the more you 'explain', the more you give them ground to try and convince you that you'll change your mind.
Heck, I'd just say "not anytime soon!" w/ a smile and change the topic. If someone said that to me, I really can't think what I'd say past that. "OH, but no really- WHEN????".
Most people will stop if you say that.
Just the less you give, they less they'll ask/push.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
And you need not answer nor have an explanation for any of these nosy and snooty out of line "we mean well" peeps.
I agree with all the above posters...
I will add though....by using the word never you are kind of asking for the "why". People who have opinions on things don't take well to absolutes, so actually saying 'we don't want kids' or 'we like kids we can send home to thier parents'...might actually end the conversation sooner....might not either depending who you are talking to, but the second you say never, someone whose opinionated is going to gung ho about proving to you why you cant say never.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
H and I are in the same situation. The part about this that bothers me the most is that I never hear people ask others who are already parents why they decided to have children. To me, it's the same thing, but for some reason, people think it's okay to ask all kinds of questions about why you don't want them.
The only thing I've found to work over the last few years is if you keep saying "Now just isn't the right time," or "If it happens, it happens," people eventually stop asking.
"So when are you having children?"
"We're not."
"But why? Children are glorious!"
"It's just not for us."
"Oh of course it is!"
"So, do you see that tornado last week?"
None of their business. Shut them down. Or just answer the when question with "Who knows?" and eventually you'll be old enough that people will stop asking. Although these days that might mean they'll ask until you're well into your 40s...
Thought this was a funny blog post about it so I thought I'd share: Baby Off Board
I am this way, too. It's funny how people never ever use the "but you were one once!" rationalization as a reason why everyone should love teenagers.
Its none of their business. You do not have to justify your anwser.
You could say, if someone pesters you, "Do you want to pay my student loans (or something similar) so I can have a child for you soon?" That should shut them up!
This may come off as harsh (and not directed at you but in general). But like marriage, having children isnt for everybody. We should only go down that road if we know for sure we want to pursue that goal.
As for me, I haven't dealt with it per se but that is because most people know I want children. I am just waiting for the day when I reach my mid thirties and people start asking me "where are the little [insert last name here]?" I know I might have difficulties getting pregnant (various reasons) and I must prepare myself to give different kind of anwsers.
Possible responses:
1) burst into tears and sob loudly
2) You can't store them in a closet when you need a drink or a good night's sleep
3) Child labor laws spoiled all the fun in parenting