Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Not sure what to do
This might not be the biggest problem but it is a problem that is causing fights every other day or every week and making me depressed and its very stressful to live through it.
I used to live at a different state back at home where I have my family and everyone I know, however, after meeting my husband and I met online years ago , we knew that one of us will be moving to make this work out. Years later we got engaged and started planning for the wedding and I discussed the issue with him that I would prefer staying here around my family because I am very close with my mom and sisters and just dont see it happening. However, he had a better stable job at the time and made more sense for me to move. However, he told me few times back then that he wouldn't move and that if I dont want to keep going with the relationship then we will break up. I thought that was a bit harsh but I went with it as we had things planned for the wedding already.
Year later of being married , I deal with being home sick and hating where I live. I have no one here besides him. I see his family here and there. On Holidays his family get together and all but they are either sitting at separate rooms and talking about things that I dont know and I always feel left out They either talk about old days and memories and I just sit there for hours with the girls doing and saying nothing except eat and just sit there. While my husband hanging out with his cousins and other guys.
I told him that there is no way that I will be starting a family without my mom being near me in the future. I also just get depressed and cant handle things when I get in those moods and it usually ends with us fighting over it. His sister always mentions and reminds me that what I did was huge and that she would never be able to do that and leave her family. I dont understand why I had to do that...
Whenever I get to talk to him about it , he gets upset and tells me that this wont work out and I can go back home but that would be it for us. He never even mentioned to try to move there even before we got married he was so against it.
I need to know what to do here, because I know if I can live here for another 2-3 years , I know for a fact I dont want to be here forever.
Re: Not sure what to do
I hate to say this but this sounds bad. It's big problem when you guys are communicating through ultimatums. He said you can move to be near him or you can break up. You said you can move by your family or you won't have children.
You guys need to get yourselves into marriage counseling ASAP. You both seem unhappy and you need to figure out if it's fixable. But it sounds like he may not want to fix it. In which case, I would cut my losses and get out before there are kids in the middle of this mess.
Good luck!
Agreed. I don't understand why you went so far as marriage with each other when you knew that location was going to be such a huge issue. If my husband or I were adamant about living in a particular location or near particular people we wouldn't have stayed together through the dating stages.
I also agree that speaking to each other in ultimatums isn't healthy or productive.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
It doesn't sound like he is willing to compromise much, and that is a key element to making a marriage work. I am sure when you got married you were in love, but sometimes love isn't enough. When you are miserable in other aspects of your life, and you are missing your whole family and friends, I don't see how you can be fully happy. My thought is, you only live once. Make the most of your time here. You don't want to be miserable forever....good thing you are waiting on starting a family til you figure this out. Maybe if you can, spend some time back at home....take a month or more, spend it with your family, and see how you feel about being away from your husband. Can you imagine living without him? Are you more fulfilled back at home?
It sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do. Good luck.
You knew this coming in...why did you marry him if he was honest about not moving and you knew you didnt want to move?
You have two options: 1) Move home and divorce 2) Accept that marrying him meant moving away from family (like you already knew as he made it clear) and make the best of it. Sounds like the basis of your issues is boredom and lonelyness...both of which are issues that you CAN do something about NOW in your current location. So if you want to make the relationship last....maybe start trying to connect more to people in your new area, you mention you talk to his sister - do you think she would be willing to go out for coffee with just you? or shopping or any of those things you would be doing with your friends or family back home anyways...she sounds like she could be a good source of friendship if you let her. Also get involved in the community, join a gym or take a class or volunteer somewhere to get to meet people there that you can start forming a new social circle AND filling your time where you are instead of being bored at home wishing you were somewhere else.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
I couldn't agree more with this. He was completely forthright with you. You chose to ignore it or not believe him. You made a choice to marry him.
You need to find some friends. I'm in a new place, too. My husband and I married and moved across the country from everyone I know and love. That's the choice I made, so I've tried to get out in the community and meet people. That's just what you have to do. It doesn't mean you won't miss your family. You will. But you'll be with the man you love.
Volunteer, make friends with his sister, take a class, join a team (sports, political, etc.). I know it's lonely, but you can make a new place work for you. Good luck!
This is a very difficult situation for any person. I'm sorry to say it but your husband sounds very controlling and stubborn. You two are trying to corner each other with ultimatums. This is not how a relationship works.
You two need to seek counseling and if he refuses counseling then maybe go for a few sessions alone and see how the therapist responds to your situation. I personally would not be able to be in the position that you are in. One of you will always resent the other for one reason or another. You resent him for making you move and he will resent you for not giving him children.
If there still love between you two? Do you get along? Have things in common? Any man who truly loves his wife would want his wife to be happy and she would want the same for him. But if neither one is willing to compromise then there is going to be no happiness.
TTC 19 months ~Started RE in March 2014~
DH was not ready for IUI so we waited
~Started acupuncture in May 2014~
~~BFP 7/6/14~~~EDD 3/14/15~~It's a girl!!~~
Perhaps a midpoint between your home state and his; sure, this is long after the horse left the barn --- and find a town or city that is similar in structure and background to where you are from.
Your biggest problem:
he has NO clue how to compromise.
If he is this pissy and close minded about where to live, what happens when it's time for kids or to buy a home of your own or some other major decision needs to be made?
The marriage dynamic is nonexistent here: Compromise and communication is where this is at and neither exists. He won't discuss the topic openly and rationally with you and compromise? he doesn't know what that is.
I'm not sure I see the husband as being the problem here. He's not being controlling, he's expecting her to stick with the deal they made - that he was happy in his job and wouldn't move/leave it. He gave her an out in the beginning, and she chose to move and be with him.
OP, nowhere in your post did I see anything about your job(do you like it? Can you find one that makes you happier?), making friends, or getting involved in the community.
You have the choice of putting your big girl panties on and choosing to make yourself happy, or admitting you made a mistake and divorcing your husband. You thought at one point he was worth leaving for, so I suspect the answer lies in filling your life with things that make you happy and not focusing so much on what you think you are missing.